Baby, You've Got Me Under Your Spell
by SophieSchmidt
Summary: 18 year old James Diamond is the king of highschool, but when he meets Dr. Logan Mitchells step son; 16 year old cute, shy, Kendall - his life will change forever. Can an in the closet senior give his heart to a junior who worships the ground he walks on?
1. A Chance Encounter

**A/N: Hi! :)**

**PLEASE READ: This is the continuation from the "D" story in my ABC Kames OneShot Series! :) I recieved such positive feedback and I really wanted to continue it for you guys. **

**I'm posting the first chapter here too, I know some of you have probably read it all ready, but just in case someone hasn't read my oneshots and can't be bothered going to read it there... even though you should read my oneshots anyway! haha. **

**But yes if you've been following my other fic you can just skip the first chapter and go on to the second! **

**I'll just copy and paste the notes and summary I had for this story from my oneshot fic: I was pondering thousands of different "D" letters and then suddenly I thought "What about D for Doctors? James totally goes to see Dr. Logan Mitchell, who then has a step son called Kendall..." And a star was born! So yes COMPLETELY alternate universe. Also, Logan is married to Momma Knight... say what?**

**In terms of the Kames relationship, it moves very fast I know, but it's a one-shot and I just can't help but write them being completely head over heels anyway.**

**Also, because I did my research and I'm awesome I actually used some Google magic and discovered Breck High School is the largest private high school in the Minneapolis area, and yes the hockey team has won three back to back state championships :D Not captained by James Diamond but still.. And I'm not from America so I'm not too sure how the schooling system works? So yeah please let me know if I screwed up their ages and what year they're in..**

**Is that it... oh no! Sarah! I just had to put in Sarah.. fucking Sarah... Rushers get me :P **

**So yes please enjoy this! :)**

* * *

**Baby, You've Got Me Under Your Spell (D is for Doctors) **

"So what seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked, studying me from head to toe with a quizzical expression.

He was pretty hot, well for a doctor, and for an old guy. When I say old he was probably only in his late 30's or something but still, I'm 18 so I shouldn't be thinking such things... But he was freaking hot ok? He had dark chocolate hair with matching eyes, nicely complimenting his creamy pale skin. Dr. Logan Mitchell... I found it weird that I was so attracted to my Doctor. I've always thought other guys were hot, but I guess I've never really acted on it. James Diamond the captain of the hockey team isn't some faggot, I also have a girlfriend, Sarah, which may or may not impact on the whole "gay" situation. But damn... yeah I could definitely explore my gay side with Dr. Mitchell.

"Mr Diamond?" He asked, breaking me out of my current fantasy which involved something along the lines of him having me bent over the surgical table.

"Oh um yeah, I think I may have done something to my rib at hockey training. It's not that bad but my Mum insisted I get it checked out" I rambled in one breath.

"You boys and your hockey!" He laughed, standing from his seat. "My son plays too; he's had more broken bones than I can remember. Now stand up and I'll take a look"

I followed his orders and stood to face him. As I suspected he was almost a foot shorter than me... Maybe I could be the one bending him over and...

"If you'll just lift up your shirt" he said, raising one eyebrow at what was probably a sultry look on my face.

His wish was my command as I raised my shirt to reveal a black and blue ribcage; however I thought he would probably be more impressed with my washboard abs.

I wasn't sure if I was imagining it but yeah his eyes totally just bludged out of his head for a second there. Unfortunately though it seemed the good Doctor had more self control than I would ever have.

"May I?" He asked hesitantly, holding out a hand and looking up at me to convey he wanted to touch my ribs.

Part of me wished he would just touch me and lose control and we would just have to have sex right here and right now. I couldn't help but shudder as his hands connected with my skin.

"Sorry cold hands" he chuckled and rubbed them together quickly before placing them back on my body.

His hands weren't cold at all; they were more like fire to my skin.

I winced slightly as he touched a particularly tender spot but didn't want to draw too much attention to it; I couldn't have him thinking I was weak.

"Well" he said, taking a step back and returning to his chair, motioning for me to do the same "I think one of your ribs is broken, so I'm going to send you off for x-rays"

"Ugh great" I moaned "That's just what I need right in the middle of hockey season, I'm the captain!"

"It would be much worse if you had a broken leg or arm. Relatively speaking a cracked rib is on the same wave length as a sprained ankle or a torn muscle. It's not fun for a few weeks but you'll be better in no time" he said with a smile that was only slightly reassuring.

"Hey Dad I just - oh sorry!" Said a voice from behind me.

I turned around to see one of the most beautiful human beings I think I'd ever seen. He was perfection, when you look in the dictionary for the definition of perfect, it's this guy. He had said "Dad" which obviously putting two and two together meant Dr Mitchell was his father, which was weird because they couldn't look more different. This boy was tall, lean and wearing a green plaid shirt with a pair of grey, skinny jeans – not my personal style but he definitely made it work. He had beautiful sandy blonde hair to match his crazy eyebrows. Even the eyebrows were perfect in an unconventional way. He had striking green eyes that danced with sun and warmth; I wanted to lose myself in them. He was smiling; a perfect crooked smile with a slight gap in his two front teeth, and a smile which made me feel like I was floating. Is it true? Can you really fall in love at first sight?

"Kendall! What have I told you about interrupting me when I have patients?"

"Oh um sorry Dad, sorry" he said, cheeks flushing a bright red and looking at his toes.

So Kendall was this beautiful creatures name. It suited him. He was just too perfect. There was a tiny part of me that recognised him, but surely I'd remember seeing such perfection.

"I'm so sorry Mr Diamond" Dr. Mitchell saying, flashing me an apologetic smile before returning his glare to his son.

I couldn't find my voice so I merely nodded as if it were no big deal, in fact Kendall could stay as long as he wanted as far as I was concerned.

"What is it? You wouldn't come down here if it's not important"

Kendall was incredibly shy and embarrassed; it was so cute and endearing. I just wanted to give him a cuddle... And maybe a kiss... Maybe...

"Were going out for dinner remember? I wasn't sure you still had patients"

"Right, of course. Well Mr Diamond is my last one for the day, so just wait for me in the waiting room ok Kendall?"

With no final words and one last look into those emerald eyes he left, shutting the door behind him swiftly.

"I'm so sorry about that. That's my son Kendall, the one who plays hockey"

Of course he plays hockey, my dream man has to play hockey. I tried to do the math in my brain, sure Dr Mitchell wasn't young but he wasn't exactly old enough to have a teenage son. I couldn't help but ask,

"You look very different" I mused, trying not to make it sound like I was being nosy.

He simply laughed "Kendall's not my biological son. He's not a Mitchell either, he's Kendall Knight. I married his mother when he was only a baby, so even though I'm his step Dad I see him as my own son and he sees me as his true Father"

"Ah ok" I replied, trying not to make it look like I was freaking out over hot their family was, his wife/Kendall's Mum was probably a babe.

"Also, I hope you wouldn't think I was so old I would have a 16 year old son" He chuckled.

So this gorgeous Kendall Knight was 16... Two years younger than me. Well that was a little awkward if I was going to be honest. Didn't make him any less amazing though and yet there was still something oddly familiar about him.

"You said he played hockey didn't you? Does he play in the junior hockey team at Breck by any chance?"

"Yes! He's the captain actually. I knew I recognised your name. James Diamond, the famous captain of the Breck Senior boys' team that lead them to three consecutive State Championship wins!"

So I had a 30 something year old fan boy? Who was my doctor...? Yeah I could dig that.

"Kendall is in love with you! Well I mean..." He was almost embarrassed now, and possibly trying to recover what he just said as he probably noticed my raised eyebrow.

So I had a 30 something year old fan boy who was my Doctor and his 16 year old God of a step son? Yeah I could totally dig that.

"I just mean you're his idol, because firstly well the team is amazing and when you graduate he wants to take your place as senior captain"

He had me raising my eyebrow again. So my 16 year old lover boy wanted to replace me on the team? Yeah he would have to work pretty hard for that. One does not simply replace James Diamond, no matter how hot they are; but then I'm hot too so I guess that point is void. I'm also cocky it seems, but right now irrelevant.

"Well that's nice of him. And yeah the captain of the junior team usually just jumps on up, well I did anyway. I haven't seen the junior team play much though to be honest..."

It was true; I'd never really thought I actually needed to watch the teams bellow me because well my team was awesome and they were just some kids. I'm realising now that one of those "kids" is becoming the love of my life more and more by the minute. The love of my life? Yeah that's a new one. I thought I'd decided I wasn't gay... maybe just Kendall-sexual; or the whole Knight/Mitchell family sexual. I also have to keep reminding myself that I have a girlfriend, whom I am supposed to love. But whatever, I'm the captain of the hockey team and she's captain of the field hockey team so really we're a perfect match. She's hot, I'm hot and that's how these things go. Fucking Sarah... sometimes I was sick of her and her big ass mouth, always telling me how to dress, who to talk to, where to go, basically how to live, maybe I should dump her? But then again I shall repeat... she's hot. I'm also realising that Kendall and I could never be together, he's two years younger and a GUY for God's sake.

"You should, they're actually pretty good" Dr. Mitchell said with a small smile, it was obvious how proud he was of his son.

"Yeah I'll go to some of their games whilst my ribs busted and I can't be playing myself" I said with a laugh.

"I know this might be embarrassing for you" He said nervously "But do you reckon I could introduce you? I'm pretty sure he's your biggest fan"

"Of course!" I replied with a big smile, anything for a fan... an incredibly beautiful, amazing, sexy, gorgeous fan.

"He will hate me but love me at the same time I reckon" Dr. Mitchell said, unable to stop himself from laughing "But yes in terms of your rib, go get some x-rays and come see me again when you get your results and we will see if there's something that will make it heal a bit faster and reduce the pain a bit, sound good?"

"Well no it doesn't sound good, I would rather not have a broken rib at all!" I said, trying to sound all pissed but it was hard to be serious around Dr. Mitchell, he was too sweet.

"So, um, shall I just go say hi to Kendall or?" I asked awkwardly, now standing as he did.

"Oh yes! He will love it. I'll be out in a moment I just need to pack my things up for the day. And thanks for coming to see me Mr. Diamond" He said with a big smile and extended his hand.

"Please call me James, Dr. Mitchell" I said as I grasped his hand firmly for a shake.

"And it's Logan" He replied with a quick wink.

Before I rounded the corner to the waiting room I took a deep breath. What would I say? Would I act all cool and treat him like the junior he is, or actually be nice? It was a hard call. Part of me wanted to be the sweetest I could be, make him love me too and we could be happy... but then the other part of me knew I had a reputation to uphold.

"Hi, Kendall?" I asked hesitantly as I entered the room to see him texting on his phone.

Upon seeing me his phone flew out of his hands and landed halfway across the room. He made a move to get it but I was closer so being the gentlemen I was I stepped forward to pick it up. My eyes couldn't help but wander down and have a little look. The first thing I noticed because it was in capitals and bold letters on the screen of a text message was: **JAMES DIAMOND IS HERE!**

Instantly feeling awkward but insanely curious at the same time I quickly looked up and handed his phone over to him. I tried to not make it look as if I had been reading his message but my face probably gave it away.

"Thanks" he mumbled, unable to look me in the eye.

"No worries. So um this is probably embarrassing but your Dad wanted to introduce me, apparently you're my biggest fan" I said with a smile and a wink.

He whipped his head up in shock, all colour draining from his face. Yeah Daddy Doctor was going to be in trouble.

"Oh, um, I, oh" He stuttered. God damn it he was so adorable. "Hi! It's nice to meet you James" He said finally, extending his hand for me to shake it.

I'm trying not to be clichéd ok but seriously, when our skin connected there was a spark, surely he could feel it too.

"You too Kendall" I said, smiling back and probably holding on to his hand for a little longer than I should.

"Um so anyway" Kendall said awkwardly, finally releasing himself from my grip "Dad probably made it sound creepier than it was, it's just I play for the junior team at Breck, and the senior team is like our idols man"

"Oh I know, I recognised you when you came in, but I couldn't think from where straight away. The teams pretty good though, and they got a good captain to replace me" I couldn't help but smirk as I said that.

"I could never be like you!" He gushed "You're seriously the best hockey player ever; you could play for the NHL if you wanted"

"Hardly!" I scoffed "I just have a good team that's all. And right now I won't be playing for a while; according to your Dad I've broken my rib"

The complete look of shock and concern that flashed across his features touched me right to the core of my heart, this guy didn't even really know me and he was showing more concern in two seconds than either of my parents, any of my friends or especially Sarah had shown me.

"No way! That really sucks. And you have the game against Apollo this week don't you?"

"Ugh yeah I had almost forgotten" _You're making me forget. _I wanted to add on to the end of that sentence.

"I'm so sorry James" He said, his green eyes now piercing into the depths of my soul as he placed a hand upon my shoulder.

The urge to grab the front of his jacket and pull him in for a kiss was reaching a breaking point. _Stay strong Diamond, don't let this 16 year old compromise everything you are._

"Thanks" I said with a small smile. "So who were you texting?"

I couldn't help myself; I was dying to know why he was texting about me. I felt slightly bad because I felt like we were making some headway and I had slowly been getting him out of that shy shell but I obviously just crushed all that.

"You saw that huh?" His cheeks now a bright red. "I mean as my Dad said, I'm your number one fan" He said with an embarrassed chuckle. "But yeah all you guys on the senior team are awesome, I was texting my friend Carlos who's also on the junior team. We watch all your games and you're pretty much a celebrity at Breck"

"Really?" I asked, genuinely surprised. I knew I was popular but apparently I was a teenage celebrity. Awesome.

"This is so embarrassing. You probably think I'm a freak"

"No I don't" I said quickly and taking a small step towards him "I think it's sweet"

Was James Diamond, the most popular guy at Breck High flirting with Kendall Knight, the nobody junior?

"I can't believe I've never seen you at school before" I mused, absentmindedly beginning to play with a zip on his jacket.

"If I was you, I wouldn't notice me either" He said. I couldn't tell if he was either creeped out by or loving my flirtation.

"Do you want to have dinner with me? Like tonight?" I asked suddenly. I didn't know what I was doing; I just couldn't help myself around this guy.

"What?" He replied with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

"You know, you... me... food"

"I'm going out for dinner with my parents"

"Oh that's right, that's too bad" I said, still running the zip on his jacket slowly up and down, I instantly stopped however when I heard footsteps approach from behind.

"Dad, is it ok if I miss family dinner and hang out with James tonight?" Kendall asked, stepping around me to face his father.

"I don't see why not" Logan said as I turned around to face him. "Do you need a lift anywhere?"

"No, I drive" I said smiling; hopefully trying to convey I was a safe and trustworthy driver who wouldn't kill his son.

"Ok, well don't be home too late. James can I talk to you for a second?" He asked hesitantly.

"Um sure, Kendall do you want to wait out at the car? It's the black Jeep" I said turning to face Kendall who was death staring his Dad.

"Sure" he mumbled, turning quickly on his heel to leave the reception.

"I don't know what you're doing but please be nice to him" Logan said in a rush.

"Of course I'll be nice, what else would I be doing?" I asked, genuinely confused as to what he was trying to get at.

"I don't know it's just you've found out that he basically worships the ground you walk on and it's just, I don't even know what he would want from you. I've never thought about it before really but... anyway please don't lead him on or anything"

"Woah woah woah" I said, throwing up my arms defensively "I'm not trying to lay the moves on your son!" Partially a lie but whatever...

"As long as he knows that" Logan replied with a sympathetic smile before turning to talk to his receptionist at the front desk.

I felt semi bad now. Also was Logan implying his son was probably gay? I didn't really know. I also didn't know really know what I was doing when I asked him out... to hang. Yes I was only asking him to hang out, not asking him on a date.

It was totally a date though. I took him to my favourite Italian restaurant down by the river. We sat on the deck outside overlooking the water with a single candle on the table, softly illuminating his beautiful face. We looked into each other's eyes as we spoke about all our likes, our dislikes, our passions, our desires, our fears and what we loved most in this world. What I loved most in the world was slowly becoming him more and more by the second.

"I have to admit something to you" He said with a sigh after our meals were long since finished and time was running out on this perfect night.

"What is it?" I replied, fighting the urge to reach out and hold his hand that was placed gently on the table.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of love you"

_Excuse me?_

"Don't look so shocked" he said with a chuckle "I would have thought it was pretty obvious. Just sitting with you here now... it's sending my heart into over drive. I don't even think I'm gay; it's just something about you James. I've always thought you were amazing, in a hockey, popular guy sort of way, but seeing this whole other side to you is... it's incredible. I don't expect anything from you, I know you're just being nice and probably showing me some pity for being such a stalker but I just thought you should know"

Again I was faced with that dilemma. Do I tell him I pretty much feel the same way after this short amount of time? Or do I be the asshole everyone expects me to be? He didn't really give me a chance to talk though.

"I'm only saying this because I know after tonight we will probably never talk again. I don't even know why you took me out in the first place. I know you didn't mean for it to be a date but whatever it is, it's the greatest most amazing 'thing' I've ever been on"

I certainly couldn't argue with him on that. I'd been on a lot of dates in my time, _a lot_ of dates, and none of them compared to this.

"Even if it was a date or whatever I know the likelihood of anything working out is a million to one. I mean look at you, you're James Diamond, captain of the hockey team with a stunning girlfriend, and you own the school. And then there's me, no one like you could ever take me seriously; I'm only 16 for Christ sake. And then there's-"

"Stop talking" I said suddenly, finding myself getting more and more anxious with each word he spoke.

He didn't argue with me, thankfully. I paid our bill, no qualms over who would pay (yeah it was totally a date) and motioned for him to follow me out of the restaurant.

I didn't know what to do or what to say to Kendall and it was freaking me out. What would I do now? Just take him home and pretend nothing ever happened? As he neared my car though I did something I didn't think I would be doing, I was acting on impulse or maybe some divine intervention was contributing but I fisted his jacket and shoved him into the side of my car. We were shrouded in complete darkness, hidden from prying eyes and as I looked at his face I could tell he was probably panicking over whether or not I was going to beat him up, it was quite the opposite however.

I brought my lips to his, quick and hard. For a second he was stunned, but it didn't take long for his lips to kiss back with matched hunger and desire. It was magic, complete and utter magic. I didn't know kissing could be like this; sure it had always been fun with Sarah and other girls, but never at a level of this intensity and passion. His hands snaked around my neck and gripped my hair which had me moaning into his mouth instantly. Our tongues briefly battled for dominance but it was soon becoming clear I was the dominant one in this whole situation we had going. His mouth was so sweet on my tongue and I wanted to explore every inch of it. My groin was also starting to tell me other things I wanted to explore...

"James" He breathed hot and heavy against my lips "Do you want to come back to my house?"

My brain could barely comprehend thought, so I merely mumbled some incoherent words that I hope sounded like a yes. I realised though that I would have to drive, therefore we would have to stop making out for a bit; damn.

I finally managed to pull myself away from him, placing one or two final kisses to his neck before regrettably moving around to the driver's side of the car.

We didn't talk for the drive, apart from him giving brief directions to his house such as "turn here" or "left ahead". Talking was unnecessary though, no words needing to be shared as our joined hands on the gear shift was all I needed.

"Wow" I whispered when we pulled up outside his house. Actually mansion was probably a more appropriate term. "Nice house"

"Thanks" He muttered, as if he were embarrassed by his wealth.

So Kendall Knight wasn't really a "nobody" he was a hot, hockey captain, millionaire God. Surely he had to be popular at school?

"Before you ask, Mum's a neurosurgeon, kind of makes a lot of money and as you know Dad's a doctor"

"Wow" I repeated.

"Like you can talk though" He said with a slight chuckle.

It didn't surprise me he knew I was wealthy; everyone knew who my Mum was. My Mum was the founder and CEO of "Brooke Diamond Cosmetics" a billion dollar company which had her labelled as "the Estee Lauder of the Mid West" – but yeah our money was from cosmetics... not as impressive as saving people's lives.

"Yeah yeah whatever" I said whilst rolling my eyes and climbing out of the car.

"So um are your parents going to be home?" I asked awkwardly.

"Yeah but its fine, I'll quickly go say hi and then when we can go to my room"

"This is so weird, not even a few hours ago I had a doctor's appointment with your Dad!" I groaned as he laced his fingers with mine, squeezing tightly in reassurance.

"It's fine. What did he say to you though before we left the doctors surgery? I've been dying to know"

"Oh that" I said with a sigh "Basically he said "I don't know what your intentions are with my son, but please be kind to him, you're his idol" something like that"

"Oh my god" he groaned "he's so embarrassing!"

"He's just protective. And I think he was a bit confused, I don't know if he thinks you're gay or?"

I figured we better get the awkward talk out of the way now before we were in the confines of Kendall's room where talking was going to be the last thing on my mind.

"To be honest, I don't even know if I'm gay. But then when you kissed me... I can't be completely straight. There's also many other things I want to do with you tonight that definitely wouldn't be classified as straight" He said with a wink, leaning over to kiss me softly.

His quick kiss had my brain spinning again, we hadn't even entered the house yet and I was already consumed with lust.

"What about you though? What are you doing?" He asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're probably the straightest person I know. No one would ever think you're gay, James Diamond into guys? No way"

"Hockey captains have their secrets" I said mysteriously with what I hoped was a twinkle in my eye.

"Tell me about it" He muttered, I kept forgetting he was the captain of the junior team.

"You're so young" I said suddenly, quickly stopping us before we reached the front door.

"I'm 16, not that young"

"Yeah and I'm 18... I'm a senior and you're a junior"

"So?"

"So... this is so wrong"

"No no no, don't you dare James Diamond" He said as he placed both his hands on the side of my face, bringing our faces so close they were mere inches apart.

"When you kissed me, did it feel like you were kissing someone who is "so young"? When we talked at dinner, completely and utterly baring our souls to one another; did it seem like you were talking to a child?"

"No" I sighed.

"Exactly. So shut the fuck up and come on" He said, quickly closing the gap between our lips before pulling away.

I was silently dreading seeing Dr. Mitchell again, especially since it wouldn't take much for him to put two and two together when he saw Kendall and I. Hopefully he wouldn't want to have another little chat, or worse still; tell me to leave.

I followed Kendall quietly through the enormous house, trying to distract myself with how awesome it was. However no amount of fancy leather couches, stunning pieces of art work or shiny marble floors could distract me from the nerves that were festering in the pit of my stomach. Sure, I was nervous to face Kendall's parents, but I was also slightly nervous as to what Kendall and I were about to do. It's not that I have any lack of experience when it comes to the bedroom, it's just that's with girls... with a guy I really had no clue what I would be doing.

Kendall released my hand with one final squeeze as we rounded the large hallway into an incredibly, open, beautiful living room.

"Hey Mum, Dad" Kendall said, drawing the twos attention away from the large plasma screen on the wall.

"Oh hi honey" Said the woman, who I naturally assumed was Mrs. Knight, or Mrs Mitchell I suppose.

I was right in my suspicions, she was extremely attractive. She had long, thick auburn hair which framed her gorgeous pale skin beautifully. I saw Kendall's eyes mirrored in her own, not only in colour but in warmth and kindness. She gave me a dazzling smile, revealing pearly white teeth that lit up like the sun. Doctor Mitchell was a very lucky man.

"Who's this?" She asked kindly, standing and walking over to where we stood.

"Hi, I'm James Diamond, it's lovely to meet you Mrs Mitchell" I said with what I hopped was an equally as dazzling smile on my face.

"It's Jennifer" She replied with a loving smile, hugging me quickly and kissing me on the cheek.

Yep it was official, I loved Kendall's family.

"This is my husband, Logan" She said, gesturing to him to stand and join us.

"I know, I mean um he's my doctor" I said awkwardly.

"Oh well isn't that funny!" She chimed, putting her arm around Logan's waist.

Logan didn't exactly look unapprovingly of me being there, more confused I guessed.

"Now I take it this is the guy who was good enough that you would skip family dinner?" Jennifer said with a laugh, turning to face her son "How come we've never met before?"

"James is a senior; he's the hockey captain at Breck" Kendall replied with a sheepish grin.

"Oh I know" Jennifer said smiling "How many games have you dragged us to Kendall? Millions?"

She had Kendall blushing at that, it was cute.

"Um but yeah he was at Dad's surgery this afternoon and we met and got along instantly, kind of helps when you both love hockey"

"Well it's always nice to make new friends! Are you hanging out here for a bit James?" She asked me.

I had no idea how to respond; luckily Kendall jumped in and saved me.

"Yeah, if that's ok? I promise it won't be too late, seeing as school is tomorrow and what not"

"Of course it's fine sweetie. I might not still be up when you leave James, I have surgery early tomorrow morning, so if I don't see you it was lovely to meet you and hopefully you'll be over more"

"I hope so too" I said with a smile, meaning I wanted to see her again but also meaning I wanted to be here with Kendall... like a lot.

"Well have fun, and James?" Said Logan, and causing my heart to start pounding out of my chest.

"Yes?" I said nervously.

"Remember to be careful with that rib"

Yeah he knew, there was no denying the double meaning behind his words.

"I will, thanks" I mumbled, now wishing I was anywhere but this room.

"Ok, well night!" Kendall said, grabbing my elbow and dragging me out of the room, leaving Jennifer smiling happily at me and Logan sighing softly.

"He knows" I mumbled to Kendall as I followed him up the large marble staircase to the second floor.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on Kendall! "Be care with that rib" he knows what we're going to do in your room"

"As long as he doesn't stop us, it's all good" Kendall said with a smile, finally stopping outside one of the many doors on the upper floor.

His bedroom was a typical teenage boys bedroom. Clothes all over the floor, posters of bands and hockey players scattering the walls and a large TV on the wall which was above a shelf containing what looked like 100's of DVDs and Video Games. I also noticed he had Guitar Hero set up in the corner, alongside a real guitar; I was so going to challenge him to a game at some point, James Diamond is the king of Guitar Hero.

Before I had much more time to look around his room however I found myself getting shoved rather aggressively up against the door Kendall had just shut.

"Rib!" I yelped quickly before he kissed me, very much aware of the sharp pain radiating through my chest.

"I'm so sorry I forgot" He said frantically, eyes clouded with concern.

"It's fine" I said smiling "Just go easy on me"

"Ok, but I'm not injured so you don't have to go easy on me"

"Damn you're sexy" I moaned, grabbing him by the buckle of his belt and pulling him towards me.

None of the previous fire or passion from our first kiss was lost as our lips connected once more and now especially that we were alone and there was a bed mere feet away it made things a whole lot better.

"Hey Kendall?" I asked as I now began to undo the belt on his jeans.

"Yeah?" He breathed as he started to practically suck on my neck, surely to leave a nice bruise in the morning, marking me his.

"Have you ever, like, done anything with a guy before?"

"No, have you?"

"Never"

At least we were in agreement on that, which made me feel slightly better. We could explore this new, wonderful world together.

We had now moved over to his bed, both of us extremely eager for what was to come and the clothes couldn't be flying off fast enough. Kendall was straddling me, but being careful to not be too forceful... damn my stupid rib. After ripping off my shirt he paused slightly when he saw my bruised rib cage, but then he leaned down and began to softly place light, butterfly kissed across the worst spots. This much sweetness was almost becoming too much.

"I love you" I blurted out.

Crap... what are you doing James Diamond?

It was way too soon to be saying something like that, but I just couldn't help it. No one had ever made me feel like Kendall did. Damn him.

"I guess I love you too" He sighed.

"...You guess?"

"Well you know I'm just so young! How can a 16 year old love?" He said with a big dramatic sigh.

I pushed him off me and flipped him over so I was the one now in control.

"You're such an ass" I chuckled, bringing my mouth down on his.

It was perfect, words can't even describe. At first it was slow, and slightly painful, well more so for him, I guess it was painful for me because of my rib, but it was easy to ignore. As I looked into his eyes I knew he trusted me with everything he was and that was all it took to send my heart into overdrive.

I'd had sex with quite a few girls, and since dating Sarah sex was a weekly thing in my life, but this was so different. Not only was it full of love and trust, it was also highly fuelled with such a raw passion and incredible... what's the right word to describe it... it was fucking hot. Just thinking about it again now, his rock hard torso glistening with sweat, the feel of his abs against my palm, his length against my hand... how tight he was around my...yeah it was enough to have me feeling all hot and bothered.

We lay together for awhile afterwards, not talking much, just enjoying each other's company and the feel of his heavy breaths against my chest as I cradled him in my arms.

"I don't want to go" I whispered into the crook of his neck.

"Then don't" He replied, pulling me closer to his body.

"I don't think your parents would like it too much if I stayed over"

"I'm sure it will be fine, I have guy friends stay over all the time"

"Oh do you now?"

"Shut up" He chuckled, turning his head to kiss me softly. "But yes you should stay; I don't think I ever want to leave your arms"

"And I never want to let you go"

"Good, were in agreement"

I couldn't help but smile against his back.

"How did this is even happen?" I mused.

"What do you mean?"

"It all went so fast. I went to your Dad for a simple doctor's appointment, met you; cute, embarrassed, shy you, and now here we are?"

"I know, it's crazy. I feel closer to you than I have to anyone my entire life, and yet at the same time I barely know you"

"Mmm. Maybe we should have taken it slower" I said with a chuckle.

"No way, this is fine" He replied with the same sense of humour.

"Can I ask you a favour though?"

"Anything"

I felt like a bastard for what I was about to ask him, I just hoped he would feel the same way.

"Can we not tell anyone?"

I braced myself for his response, would he hate me? I don't think I could deal with that.

"I understand. As I said at dinner, I don't expect anything from you." There was slight bitterness in his voice which stung a little bit.

"You do understand though don't you? You know how hard it would be at school if people found out about us? The rumours, the bullying, the slander... it would be horrendous. I don't think we could handle it"

"I could handle it. I just don't think you could"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I fly under the radar, my friends support me and would be happy whatever I do. But you? Yeah you're in the public eye too much. James Diamond fucking the 16 year old hockey captain? Doesn't sound good does it"

"I know you're right, I'm not going to argue with you" I said with a large sigh "But, would it be too much to ask... well would I be asking too much if I said I didn't want this to stop? I still want to see you"

"Same. But it's going to be hard."

"Why?"

"Well firstly, if you're just going to ignore me at school then booty call me at night I think that might kill me. And what will equally kill me is seeing you make out with Sarah in front of my face. You realise you've cheated on her, right?"

"Yeah I hadn't forgotten that." I said with a groan.

I felt bad, honestly I did, but not bad enough it would make me regret what I had found with Kendall.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Ugh James, so how are we going to make this work?"

"Well, firstly I'm not going to ignore you at school, I promise. And secondly, Sarah's a bitch, so I'll dump her"

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. Even if we're a secret I don't want to be with anyone else. As far as I'm concerned, I'm off the market... and so are you"

"Ha, you think the ladies are lining up to date Kendall Knight?"

"Seriously? Yes. Why wouldn't they be?"

"I don't know... I guess it's just I've never really noticed girls. I have a lot of girl friends, as in friends that are girls, and I've dated here and there but nothing that has ever stuck you know?"

"I can't believe you've never thought you were gay" I chuckled, placing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

"And I can't believe how in the closet you are!" He replied.

"It's true. I guess I've been hiding from it for awhile now. I was thinking this earlier today actually, I've always appreciated other guy's looks, like understood how a guy is attractive but I've never wanted to act on it, not until I met you... Or well..."

"What?" he asked suddenly "Who else made you realise?"

"Don't punch me"

"I won't"

"You will"

"You're so infuriating, who was it? Someone at school?"

"Not exactly..."

"James!"

"Fine! It... It was your Dad"

Yeah... I didn't think he would have much of a response to that. In fact I was pretty sure he'd hit me, I would hit me.

"So... you want to have sex with my Dad?" He said slowly.

"No! No it's not that, he just sort of opened my eyes to the possibilities... you're Dad's pretty hot"

"And you're pretty disgusting!"

"Oh come on! Surely it must be fate or something. I usually go to a different Doctor but it was such a last minute appointment he was booked, so Mum said "Open the phone book and just pick one"' – my finger landed on Dr. Logan Mitchell... and here we are. Someone in the universe was obviously intending for us to meet and also opening my eyes to my love of guys, in preparation for you"

"My goodness James, that has to be the gayest thing I've ever heard"

"Seriously? You're telling me, that you don't think we were meant to meet each other today? I could have gone to any doctor but I chose your Dad?"

"You know, we probably would have met at some point, we do both play hockey at the same school"

"Shut up. You're ruining my amazing moment of fate I've discovered"

"Did I say before that I loved you?" He said with a chuckle turning his body around so we were now facing each other, legs intertwined and faces mere inches apart.

"I think you did. Did I say I loved you too?"

"I might need to hear it again"

"Kendall Knight" I said, placing a kiss to his forehead.

"I" Nose.

"Love" Cheek.

"You" Lips.

What turned into a light kiss became increasingly deeper with each passing second, I knew if I didn't stop now I never would.

"I really should go" I said regrettably, pulling away.

"Fine" He said with an exasperated sigh.

Getting my clothes back on probably took longer than it normal would; especially seeing as every time I put another item of clothing back on Kendall would pout so naturally I would have to give him a kiss to soothe his soul.

Seeing as it was pretty late I didn't want him to worry about having to get his clothes back on to show me out, although any extra minute I got with him would've been amazing.

"Now, remember, what are you going to do tomorrow?" He asked, wrapping his arms around my waist as I stood in front of his bedroom door.

"I'm going to pick you up and take you to school, probably also squeezing in a quick hand job in the parking lot, because you're a horn dog."

"Aaaand?"

"And I'm not going to ignore you once we're at school, in fact I will sit with you and your buddy Carlos at lunch."

"Really? Awesome. And one more thing?"

"I'm going to break up with Sarah"

"Good" he said smiling, rising slightly on his toes so he could kiss me gently.

"I'm so happy I broke my rib Kendall"

"Me too, in a weird way"

"Love you"

"I love you too, now get out of here" He said, with one last quick, but passionate kiss.

It was past midnight by the time I stepped out of Kendall's room, so much for his promises of not staying up too late. I was really wishing that both his parents had gone to sleep, I really wouldn't be able to face one of them now, especially with my hair all messed up and what was probably a handful of hickeys across my neck. However, it seemed I wasn't going to be so lucky.

"James?" Came the voice of Logan.

Damn it. I was so close to the front door.

He came out of what I assumed was his study, looking me up and down and quickly figuring out the whole situation in front of him.

"Bit late isn't it?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Um yeah sorry, we were just um"

He simply raised a hand to silence me "It's fine James. I know what you were doing and it's ok."

"Really?"

"Yes and no. All I want is for Kendall to be happy, and I'm not prejudice as to who can provide that for him. And that's exactly why I say this next point; please don't break his heart"

"I won't" I replied, no lie in my words.

"You'll soon learn that Kendall doesn't do anything half assed, he throws everything he has to give in to something. Especially when it comes to love. He will give his whole heart to you; he's an incredible human being"

"I know" I said, with what probably looked like a big stupid grin on my face.

"This is just so unbelievable. How did this even happen?"

"I guess... well I guess when love is meant to happen it just happens"

"That's true. Love is a very complicated thing, yet when it's there, it makes everything so simple"

"I hope so"

"And so do I. Just please James, don't break his heart"

"I promise"

"Thank you. I guess I'll be seeing you a lot more then?"

"Hopefully. Good night Mr. Mitchell"

"It's Logan, remember?"

And with one last smile I was gone.


	2. You'll Be The Death Of Me

**A/N: So here is the beginning on the continuation! I hope you like it :) **

**Not much to say in terms of the story except you've be warned for smut! And that it's from Kendall's P.O.V this chapter. **

**In unrelated things, but things I really must share, how good was Backstage Rush! ;) Also, and possibly the most exciting thing ever...**

**JAMES MASLOW REPLIED TO ME ON TWITTER THE OTHER DAY! kjsn gfkjsngkdgs still fangirling over it. **

**Just thinking about now sends my body into spasms of excitement! :D**

**Yes anyway... had to get that off my chest! haha. Read now.**

**Much love. xx**

* * *

**Kendall Knight P.O.V**

It's not that James Diamond picking me up in his Jeep before school was weird per say... it was more unfreaking believable. I had barely slept the night before, how could I? I had just had the most amazing night of my entire life and sleeping would merely make me lose those memories for a few brief hours. There were about a million things running through my brain all at the same time, maybe the most important question in there was: Why me? Why did James Diamond choose me when he could have anyone he wanted? I guess you could also ask why I was so easy to accept him, but hello? Its James Diamond... have I said his name enough already? As I lay awake in bed I could still smell him on my sheets, a sort of musky, manly scent, with a slight hint of Cuda man spray – it was sexy. The only thing stopping me from not spending all day in bed was the fact I was actually going to be able to smell him in person... yeah that doesn't sound weird at all.

_*Beep*_

**Be ready in 30. Don't wear a tricky belt. Love, J.**

I smirked a little bit as I read his text message, he'd promised me some before school "activities" and clearly he wanted easy access.

**We shall see... Miss you. K.**

I'm not usually this lame, I promise, there's just something about James that turns me into a big sap of feminine goo.

_*Beep* _

**You're SO gay... Miss you too.**

I let out a small sigh and a smile, he was right, I was being so gay. It's strange because this isn't usually how I roll; Kendall Knight is smooth, cool... he's got swag, but now with James around it's like I can't help but be all romantic.

I thought I would die of embarrassment when I met him yesterday. When I waltzed into Dad's surgery and saw him there... wow words don't begin to cover it. My heart was caught in my throat, palms sweaty and there seemed to be some butterfly cage fight going on in my stomach. Everyone knew who James Diamond was, seriously everyone, he was the absolute king of Breck High School. Everyone loved him, it was kind of hard not to really, especially when he was a God on the ice, incredibly wealthy and it also helped that he was perceived to actually be a pretty nice guy. It also helped that because of all this he had girls swooning wherever he went, which made things quite funny now I think about it. He never actually admitted he was gay, I never heard him say it last night, more just a lot of cryptic things like "Hockey captains have secrets" and "I've always thought guys were attractive" but never actually a full blown "I like guys, I'm gay" sort of statement. In saying all this though... last night was... well I hardly think you could deny the fact he was into guys.

Speaking of last night, I couldn't help but wince slightly as I rolled out of bed. I would have to try and put on a brave face at hockey training tonight. Ugh, hockey training. I love hockey, seriously don't get me wrong, but doing it the night after you've lost your virginity... to a guy... is not exactly something I was looking forward to. Part of me should feel wrong that I lost my virginity to James, and especially so soon into the... is it a relationship? I barely even knew him. I barely know him but I love him, how does that work? And he loves me too... right? Yeah no he has to; it's not exactly like he's a liar. But then I guess he's going to be lying to everyone when we keep this a secret. Part of me wants it to be a secret like he does, but then the other part just wants to be open and free. I hate secrets, and I'm a terrible liar, I know the minute Dad asks me how my night was I'm going to get all awkward and embarrassed. Not being able to tell anyone is going to be tough, because honestly right now all I want to do is call my best friend Carlos Garcia and tell him all about it. Carlos would be so supportive and probably a little bit excited, not that he's gay... I don't think... but he's the sort that gets so excited over the smallest things, throwing himself into something with his whole heart and never looking back. That's probably one of the reasons I loved him so much, in a friend sort of way, not in an "I want to rip your clothes off" sort of way. When I'd text him last night, telling him how James was at the surgery he had replied: **! Tell him he's amazing! **

In a way I guess I sort of did end up telling him he was amazing. My only problem is, and it's a completely reasonable problem, is that James may just be doing all this for laughs. He see's me, I'm all flustered and "cute" and supposedly "really young" and my Dad pretty much tells him that I'm in love with him and that I'm his biggest fan, which would just add to James' massively large ego, and he might of thought "You know what? Fuck it, I'll bang the groupie and show him an amazing time, never to call again." I didn't want to believe that though. The way he looked into my eyes when we had sex was just... I can't be a groupie fuck, I just can't.

After finally showering and dressing myself in what I thought was a cool pair of blue jeans, a thin striped cardigan and faded red t-shirt, I deemed myself ready to face the human world.

"How was your night?" Was the first thing Dad asked me when I came down the stairs into the kitchen.

Yep, I knew it; I knew he would ask that question. James insisted that he knew, but did he? I feel like my Father would support me... well I hope.

"Um, yep, good yeah" I stammered, hiding my head in the fridge looking for something to eat but more just looking for an excuse to avoid eye contact.

"That's good. I saw James before he left" Dad said as if it were no big deal, but the simple sentence had me panicking because from what I can remember James had a bunch of hickeys on his neck with hair that looked worse than mine in the morning.

"Oh? Cool. Yeah sorry it was late"

"That's ok. Kendall?"

"Yeah?" I asked awkwardly, now feeling as if I had to turn and face him.

"You know you can tell me anything you want, right?" He said slowly, staring at me for some confession or at least a reaction.

"Yeah I know Dad" I said with what I hoped was no panic in my voice.

Of course he knew, I was pretty much 100% sure, but I was too nervous to come out and say it and besides, James didn't want me telling anyone.

"Ok good. Seeing James today?"

"Yeah he's picking me up for school in about... now" I said whilst looking at the large clock on the wall and gulping down some juice.

"I'm happy you've made a new _friend _Kendall but just be careful ok?"

"Ok, but you don't need to worry, James is a really nice guy and we get along really well"

Our whole conversation this morning had been full of double meanings, and I know that he knew I knew he knew... wow this is getting confusing. I just couldn't bring myself to say it, not yet.

Before the conversation had to opportunity to get more awkward the door bell rang and I couldn't run out of the kitchen fast enough.

"Bye Dad! See you after hockey training tonight!" I yelled as I grabbed my hockey bag from the supply closet in the entrance foyer.

Before opening the front door I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, but it didn't really prepare me for seeing him again, leaning casually against the framework. He looked incredible; almost more incredible than last night, if that was even possible. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans, some awesome leather shoes and from what I could see an emerald green t-shirt poking out from underneath an incredibly expensive looking black button up coat.

"Hi" I stammered, not sure what the situation called for, a hug? A kiss?

"Kendall, you're going to freeze" He replied, looking me up and down and rolling his eyes.

"Oh, oops. I forgot to put a jacket on this morning" I looked around me to the large marble staircase; the thought of running up to my room just seemed like such a long and arduous journey.

"I have a jacket in the car, come on" He sighed, taking my hockey bag from me, not that I was offering but I guess he was just the perfect gentlemen.

"I like your coat" I said absentmindedly, trying to make conversation.

"Thanks, it's Armani"

Of course it was. I felt as if I paled in comparison next to him.

"Will this be warm enough?" He asked, throwing me the jacket that was on the back seat as he chucked my bag in the back.

"Seriously?" I replied, not being able to help but raise my eyebrow.

"What?"

"Your hockey varsity jacket?"

"Is that bad?"

"I thought you wanted us to be a secret?"

"And?"

"You are so thick, you know that right? If I walk around school wearing a varsity jacket that says "Diamond" on the back it isn't going to take long for people to start making assumptions"

"Oh" He said as if he had just figured out some big math problem.

"If I were your boyfriend I could wear it all the time..."

Ok so that may have been the wrong thing to say. I could see him trying to find a response but failing miserably.

"Jokes!" I said quickly and maybe only slightly awkwardly.

"Here, I'll wear my varsity jacket and you wear my coat, because you're too lazy to go back inside the house"

"I can't wear your Armani coat!" I protested suddenly, images of me spilling something on it or ripping it filling my mind.

"Shut up, it's fine. But just quickly, can I see you in my varsity jacket? I want to see what it looks like"

It was a slightly odd request, seeing as I had one of my own that I could easily wear if he wanted but he was smiling so sweetly and clearly excited by the prospect so I could hardly refuse.

"It's a bit big" I chuckled as I slipped my arms into it. If I thought my sheets smelled amazing I was so wrong, inhaling the scent from this jacket was like pure heaven to my senses. "Do I look cool?"

I looked up at him with a jokey smile on my face, expecting him to be the same but he was staring at me with such intensity it was impossible not to stare straight on back.

"What is it?" I asked nervously.

He didn't answer; he merely grabbed the front of the jacket and pulled me towards him, bringing our lips crushing together. I'd missed this, I'd missed this so much, it had only been one night and my body was already craving his kiss and touch.

"Fuck" I breathed against his mouth as he bit my bottom lip roughly.

Part of me was slightly conscious we were completely out in the open and in fact he had us facing my house, where my Dad could easily be watching...

"Alright, you get in the car now" He sighed, pushing me off him. "And keep on the jacket until we get to school at least"

"Why?" I asked, climbing in the passenger side of the car as he got in the driver's seat.

"Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers too" He replied, interlocking his fingers with mine and raising my hand to give it a quick kiss.

Well if that wasn't the fucking most cryptic thing I've heard I don't know what is.

"Fine. But can I ask you some just general questions?"

"Ha, yes" He laughed as he put the car in gear and pulled onto the street.

"How was the rest of your night last night after you left?"

"Long" He sighed.

"Same"

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He seemed kind of shitty this morning so I was going to get him in a full smile before we got to school.

"What classes do you have today?"

"Ahh... Double chemistry, English literature, French and advanced calculus"

If I wasn't intimated already I was now. "Wow"

"Just because I do those subjects doesn't mean I'm amazing at them"

I suspected that was a lie. I knew for a fact in order to be captain of a sports team at Breck you had to maintain at least a B+ average.

"How's your rib?"

"Kendall, I'm really not in the mood for 20 questions this morning"

Yeah he was definitely pissed about something; I desperately wanted to ask if I'd done something wrong but then I didn't really want to be the whiny girlfriend, I assumed he got enough of that from Sarah.

"It's ok though thanks" He said with a small smile. "How are you feeling this morning, sore?"

The question should probably be a bit more uncomfortable seeing as I knew he was referring to my ass.

"Yeah not too bad. Hockey is going to be a bitch tonight though" I groaned, watching the streets of Minneapolis flash past me through the window.

"Sorry about that" He said with a very controlled voice.

Ok seriously, where was the James Diamond I met last night?

"You seem tense this morning?" I mused, staring at his face for some sort of reaction.

"Just got a lot on my mind I guess"

"Can I do anything to help?"

"Well you're the thing that's on my mind so..."

I didn't really have a response for that so I just let it slide. He could be pissed... see if I care.

School was still rather deserted as we pulled into the parking lot, the car park only scattered with a couple of cars and only a few students walking up to the main campus.

"I have an idea" I said quickly as he took the key out of the ignition once parked.

Before I gave him any time to respond I closed the gap between our lips and held him against me tightly for a second before I began to kiss his exposed neck, uncovering the hickeys I had made from the night before with what appeared to be cover up; and he said I was gay?

"Careful Kendall" He warned in a low voice, obviously referring to the fact we were on the school grounds where anyone could walk past the car at any moment; I personally thought it made it more exciting.

I stroked one hand down his covered torso until I found the buckle of his belt, grinning against his neck as I undid the buttons.

"Hey, I thought you were the one wearing an easy belt today?" He said, his breathing hitched as my hand was now getting dangerously close to his dick.

"You need it more" I replied, wasting no time in diving my hand into his boxers.

"Fuck" He gasped in shock, probably a combination of the sudden contact and the fact my hands probably weren't exactly warm.

It didn't take him long to be standing at full attention for me; so eager. Positioning myself slightly awkwardly but still manageable, my mouth was now hovering mere inches from his covered erection. I pulled his jeans down as much as the seat would allow and finally freed his dick from the restricting boxers. He gasped at the sudden cool air he was exposed to but I soon put a stop to that as I dove down, nearly taking all of him in my mouth; I definitely had him gasping for different reasons then.

Of course I've never given a blow job before, but I can sort of get the mechanics of it, I know what would feel good on me. And whatever I was doing, James seemed to be loving it. He had both his hands fisted tightly in my hair and half suspected he was trying to stop himself from fully thrusting me down on him.

"Fuck, Kendall, fuck" He moaned as I took him deeper and deeper.

I could now feel his cock hitting the back of my throat, which some would say was uncomfortable but I loved it, I wanted to taste every inch.

"Oh my god, oh my – fuck!" James exclaimed, now writhing in his chair.

I could tell he was close to coming so I sucked harder, his grip becoming tighter on my hair, so tight I thought he was going to start ripping it out.

I was sort of prepared for when he came but it still slightly took me by surprise when the hot liquid shot into my mouth. I sucked and swallowed every last drop, pretending as if it were tastiest thing I had ever tried in my whole life.

I came off him with a satisfied pop, licking my lips for any reminisce of cum as I sat back up in my seat.

"Oh my god, oh my god" He panted, head back on the head rest and hands across his face.

"Good?" I asked, leaning sideways on my seat and unable to stop staring at him.

"Surely you have to have done that before" He breathed out, now looking to face me with eyes full of lust and desire.

"Never" I replied with complete honesty.

He merely shook my head and looked at me as if I were some puzzle or equation he couldn't quite get.

As far as I was aware no one had seen us in the act, but I knew he was slightly panicking as he now looked around the practically empty car park.

"So are you going to be less shitty now?" I asked with a smile, trying to treasure these last moments we had together in the car before we would go our separate ways.

"What do you mean?" He replied, slightly taken aback by my question.

"You were being lame for a bit there, but now I've given you no reason to have a bad day"

"You most certainly have not" He said in agreement, cupping the side of my face with his hand and pulling me in for a light kiss. "Sorry if I was being a douche"

"I forgive you"

After a few more fleeting moments of kissing and touching we separated and climbed out of the car.

"Now, take my coat or you'll freeze"

"You know, my friends are going to know it's not mine" I sighed, taking off the varsity jacket and slipping my arms into the heaven that was his coat. It was so ridiculously comfortable, warm and stylish all at the same time; I would have to invest in one.

"Yeah it totally isn't your style" He chuckled, looking me up and down "Don't get me wrong you look fucking sexy as hell in it, but I think I prefer you in the varsity jacket. Maybe you should just wear it?"

"Are you sure?"

He pondered that question for a second before finally saying, "Yep, give me back my coat. I don't want you ruining it anyway"

The smile tugging on the corner of his lips made it impossible to take the insult seriously so I merely laughed.

"I like the varsity jacket better anyway, you're right, much more me"

Once I had it on once more he was staring, he really seemed to love me in his jacket.

"Just tell people we got them mixed up in the hockey locker rooms, technically we both have captain jackets"

"That's a terrible lie! But I'll work on it"

"I just love you so much in it" He said with a slight moan, looking as if he could devour me right then and there in the parking lot; I had doubts that would be happening though.

"So, still want to meet at lunch?" I asked, trying to distract from the hunger, prowling tiger look he had going.

"Yes! I will see you then" He said with a smile and taking a step towards me "I'll be thinking of you all morning... fuck I want to kiss you"

"Just do it" I said with a whisper, no longer giving a fuck over who saw.

With one quick glance at our surroundings he brought his lips down on mine for what only seemed like a second but held enough passion to last a life time.

"One day, we will come out together" I said with a sigh as he took a step back for me, hands lingering on the hem of the jacket.

He had a pained look in his eyes as I said these words, like they were the last things he wanted to hear.

"Maybe" He said softly, but I could tell that maybe was more of a 'no'.

"Whatever, ignore me. I'll see you later" I said with a sad smile and one last touch of his hand before I turned in the opposite direction to head over to first period biology in the Science building.

As I clutched onto my school books I retrieved from my bag and breathed in the scent of his jacket, one small traitor tear escaped down my cheek.

James Diamond was going to be the death of me I swear.

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**Next chapter will be James meeting Carlos and him breaking up with Sarah... how will that go? **

**Review! :D xxx**


	3. You Drive Me Crazy

**A/N: Hey! So I would just like to say you're all amazing and the reviews and story alerts/faves makes me feel so good :) So keep it up! **

**So the more and more I write with this story the more and more I fall in love with it! I hope you'll fall in love with it as much as me :) **

**Introducing lots of new characters in this chapter, all one's you will recognise ;) **

**Um... I don't have anything to say about this chapter really so if you have any questions, queries or anything that needs clearing up feel free to shoot me up in the reviews :) Ok, that is all, read now my favourite people!**

**Chapter 3 - You Drive Me Crazy.**

* * *

**James P.O.V**

I'm a bad person, I know it. As I watched Kendall walk away from me I felt my heart ache and my stomach coil. His father was right; I was totally going to break his heart. Once I got home last night there was just a lot of thinking to do, I couldn't even escape these thoughts with sleep as sleep never came. This is a lot to handle; surely Kendall feels the same way? The crushing realisation I was giving my heart to a 16 year old was smothering me as I lay awake in bed, tossing and turning over what to say and what to do. I had so many things I wanted to say, but the minute I saw him standing in the doorway of his house, the faded red of his red t-shirt illuminating his emerald eyes, blonde hair so completely messy but perfect at the same time and a small smile on his lips, a smile which was reserved just for me... I couldn't say anything. The only thoughts that could reach my logical thought and vocal chords was stating the obvious, he was going to freeze to death without a jacket. Okay maybe not to death... But cold none the less. Thinking about him in my jacket was almost enough to have me clutching my heart and wanting to scream... Why was I so obsessed with having him put it on? He looked SO FUCKING ADORABLE. It was too much. He wearing it was like saying "Property of James Diamond: So back the fuck off bitch" Yes, yes I wanted Kendall to be mine_, all mine_. The problem with that though, is that I am a selfish, self centred, egotistic, asshole, bastard, prick who really doesn't deserve to be with Kendall at all. He looks at me with those big, puppy, green eyes saying we should be boyfriends and come out together and it's like "Dude, do you want to break my heart anymore?" I just don't want him saying things like that because I know he doesn't mean them, well if he means them now he wouldn't mean them later, because I would be a terrible boyfriend. It might have something to do with the fact I will never be coming out, no matter what he says. And as he told me last night, I really am so in the closet it's ridiculous but that's exactly where I'm going to say, nice and cosy in the closet. Although I would be perfectly happy to have him give me blow jobs every morning in the car, fuck me it was incredible. I just can't understand how he has never done that before and manages to be so good, beats Sarah on the blow job competition any day.

The urge to go run after Kendall and tackle him down with a kiss, showing the whole school and in fact the whole world that he is the man I want to be with is burning hot in my veins. And especially because he's wearing my jacket, I mean come on, could he look any cuter? Maybe I'm asking for people to find out, because the more I think about it the more I realise that yes it will look slightly suspicious that he is wearing my varsity jacket, especially seeing as we hadn't even met before yesterday, but I'll let him work that one out. If anyone asks me I'll be like "That bastard stole my jacket!"... Actually no that's mean, scrap that idea James Diamond.

"James!" I heard a girl squeal from behind me, a voice I instantly recognised.

"Hey Sarah" I said with a beaming smile that really didn't match my mood or feelings towards her.

She greeted me with a long kiss, flinging her arms around my neck and pulling me down to her height. There's another reason kissing Kendall is better, he's not so bloody short.

I relaxed myself into the kiss, trying to concentrate on the soft feel of her pink lips, her porcelain skin against my chin and her supple curves underneath my hands... but it wasn't enough. I wanted to feel rough lips taking me by control, stubble on my chin and a hard body against my hands.

"Why didn't you call me last night James?" She asked when I pulled away.

"Sorry I was busy"

"I wanted to hear about your Doctor's appointment. How's the rib?" She sounded concerned, which was nice I guess.

"Yeah the doctor was... good. I have to get x-rays though, it's probably broken"

"Oh baby!" She said with a cry, flinging her arms around my waist and resting her head on my chest.

Where was this coming from?

"You seem really sad this morning babe, I hope you're ok"

Did I seem sad? Kendall said I seemed pissed off. To be honest I'd never been happier in my entire life. Sure, I was stressing out over Kendall and treating him like shit which made me feel like shit, but that didn't mean Kendall wasn't the best thing that had ever happened to me.

"I'm fine. Just sad about hockey I guess" I replied, trying to sounds as if it were no big deal.

"Well I hope it's not broken and you can heal quickly, I don't like seeing you upset. I love you"

Ok what has this girl done with Sarah? Maybe I was kidding myself when I said Sarah was a bitch... maybe I told myself she was to make me feel not as bad about cheating on her with Kendall.

"I love you too" I replied, kissing her blonde hair softly.

She pulled back to look at me, big blue eyes shining with love and trust. Sarah really was beautiful, I couldn't deny that. Long, soft platinum blonde hair, big blue eyes, lightly tanned skin that would have been more suited to somewhere like California or Florida, a toned athletic body and of course her smile, the smile that stopped hearts and had men and women falling at her feet. I was lucky to be with her... I was. Crap, maybe I really did love her. But I loved Kendall more.

"Is there something you want to tell me James?" She asked, looking at me quizzically "You seem really... I don't know, agitated."

Yes there are a few things I want to tell you, I cheated on you with a guy... who is two years our junior and I think I'm completely in love with him and I need to break up with you so we can be together but in secret...

"Um no? Nothing out of the ordinary" I said with a smile.

"Ok, well let's go to class" She replied, grasping my hand firmly in hers as we walked towards the main campus.

"So do you want to do something tonight?" She asked.

"Maybe" I replied. I didn't want to say yes, just in case Kendall wanted to do something.

"Maybe? What does that mean?"

"As in, maybe! I don't know babe"

"Why?"

"I'm pretty sure Mr. Matthews is going to tell us we have a test tomorrow for chemistry, which we will both need to study for"

"Ugh yeah chemistry... Well we can study together?"

"Ok" I sighed, giving in. Wasn't I supposed to be breaking up with her today?

"Hey Diamond!" My best friend Dak and vice captain of the senior hockey team called at me from across the hall once we had reached our lockers.

"Zevon" I said with a grin, unlocking my fingers from Sarah's so I could open my locker and throw in my bag.

Dak leaned against the locker next to mine with a big grin on his face. I don't know why I never thought he was hot, well I guess I always did but I smothered those feelings down. Looking at him now though... yeah Dak was hot... Why is everyone turning me on these days!

"So I have a question for you James, why is that Kendall Knight kid in junior year wearing your varsity jacket?"

Crap.

"What? Who's Kendall Knight?" I asked, playing dumb.

"You know, he's captain on the junior hockey team. Tall, blonde, kind of weird looking, but in a hot way" Did Dak just said Kendall was hot? Also, I would hardly say he was weird looking.

"Yeah I just saw him heading over to the Science building, and I could have sworn he was wearing your jacket man"

"Shit! I know what it is, yesterday after training when I was in a rush to get to the doctors I must have picked up a random jacket instead of mine in the locker rooms, there were heaps laying about, he must have done the same after junior training. He probably doesn't even know it's mine"

"Yeah good call, you'll have to go get it back before people start making assumptions, don't want to worry Sarah here" He said with a laugh and offering her a smile.

"Ha please" She said with returning laugh "You think James is fucking the Knight boy?"

I laughed along with them but my pulse soon quickened and my palms began to sweat.

"He probably is! Dude, we could fuck any of the juniors and have them twirled around our fingers, they all worship us. Such easy fucks! Girls and boys alike"

I stopped laughing then, choosing to glare at Dak instead "Don't say that" I said with a growl.

He was taken aback by my sudden change in tone, but before he could start making guesses I quickly said "Don't say that, I don't want to fuck any of the juniors, I love Sarah, duh"

Good save. "Besides, since when would I _want _to be having sex with a guy, Dak?"

"Mm I dunno, but just think about it Diamond" Dak purred, stepping closer to me so our bodies were almost touching "Hard body, lean, muscular, tall, long... riding you so hard you see stars. Or the other way round, riding him so hard you feel his body tighten around you, grunting your name... Ugh fuck yeah James... right there..."

I would be lying if I said this wasn't getting me hard, and I would also be lying if I said Dak wasn't totally fucking with me right now.

"Ha! See! Oh my god! You totally want to have sex with a guy!" Dak cheered, taking a step back so I could finally breathe again.

"Dak what the fuck?" I grunted, trying to shake the images out of my mind he had implanted.

"Dak that isn't funny" Sarah said, finally speaking up. I desperately hoped she hadn't picked up on how I licked my lips or had nothing but lust in my eyes when Dak spoke.

"It's so funny! I'd keep an eye on him if I were you Sare!" He laughed.

"You're such a dick" I muttered.

"Yeah yeah, blow me Diamond... I know you want to"

"Fuck off!" I said, shoving him slightly.

"Ha whatever, I'll catch you at lunch"

As I watched his retreating figure I couldn't help but notice the strong lines of his back or the way his ass moved when he... No fuck this; you're not going to think about what it would be like to have sex with your best friend.

"James..." Came Sarah's soft voice to my right, breaking me out of my train of thought.

"Dak is such a dick sometimes" I said in frustration, slamming my locker shut.

"He's just joking though right? You don't really want to have sex with that Knight kid or anyone else?"

"Of course I don't! I'm not some homo"

"Of course not" she replied with a satisfied smile "Now, let's go to chemistry"

I'm a horrible person, I know.

* * *

**Kendall P.O.V **

I was practically bounding out of my chair once I was seated at my lunch table with my best friend Carlos Garcia to my right and our two girl friends Camille Roberts and Jo Taylor sitting opposite. And when I say girl friends, I don't mean "girlfriends". Some say it was awkward we hung out with Jo, seeing as Jo had once been my girlfriend, in freshman year. Jo was amazing, don't get me wrong, she was beautiful, made me laugh and I could be completely myself around her, she was seemingly the perfect girl (even thought she hated hockey) but honestly, Jo and I had been friends forever and we both agreed in the end being more than that was a horrible mistake. Camille on the other hand had only ever been a friend, a headstrong, passion driven, and gorgeous friend. She had dreams and aspirations of moving to Hollywood to become an actress, but for now she was content to laugh and hang out with a bunch of dorks in Minnesota. We were an odd group but in some ways a perfect group, I couldn't think of having friends better than these.

"You seem so on edge today Kendall" Carlos laughed, stuffing what looked like a corndog and a handful of fries in his mouth at once. "So what happened last night with James? You never texted me back man."

"Oh yeah, I got officially introduced. He's a cool guy." I tried to act all chill but I had no idea whether or not it was working.

"Was he so cool? I bet he was cool."

"Yeah he was pretty cool" I said with a small smile, trying to look the other way so Carlos or the girls wouldn't notice what was probably blush on my cheeks.

"Oh my god, James Diamond?" Camille squealed, leaning in close like she was going to learn some huge secret.

"Yes Camille, I met James last night" I sighed.

"You can totally introduce us!" Jo smiled, leaning in to Camille to start whispering and giggling over James.

I rolled my eyes, and laughed on the inside. If only they knew the real James...

Every two seconds I looked towards the table I knew James and his friends sat at across the other side of the cafeteria. I could see Dak Zevon, vice captain of the hockey team and James Diamond's best friend, and then there was Jett Stetson; popular, rich boy, asshole and the Jennifer's, three insanely hot girls of the same name and all on the cheerleading team, but there were two important people missing from the group, James and Sarah.

Their table was like a kingdom, surrounded by an invisible wall and for one to penetrate that wall you had to be extra special, for the kingdom was reserved for princes and princesses and James and Sarah were the King and Queen.

"Dude what are you staring at?" Carlos asked, trying to follow my line of vision. "Ha! You're looking for James aren't you?"

"What! No!" I said blushing.

"Don't worry I'm pretty sure if I had of met him and we chatted I would be hoping we were best friends or something" He said laughing.

"It's not like that" I said in a small voice, twiddling my thumbs.

"Well, there he is."

My head snapped up to where Carlos was pointing and my heart instantly began to pound faster. I saw him scan the room as if he were searching for something, and it definitely seemed as though he found it; me. He leaned in and whispered something into Sarah's ear before giving her a quick kiss on the lips; he hadn't dumped her yet obviously.

As he weaved through the cafeteria towards me I began to get nervous, what on earth was I going to say?

"Oh my god, is he coming over here!" Camille said, hands flying to her hair to smooth it down or whatever it is girls do when they touch their hair.

"Hey everyone, hey Kendall" James said as he stood at the end of our table, offering us all a dazzling smile.

"Hi James, take a seat" I said with a smile, motioning the spot next to me.

"Thanks"

I felt electricity pump through my veins as he slid in next to me, our legs and arms touching, driving me wild.

"Um James, this is Carlos, Camille and Jo" I said, pointing out each person as I went along.

Camille and Jo almost fell over themselves to say hello, flashing him flirtatious smiles which he returned with grace, probably sending their hearts into overdrive.

Carlos at least showed a bit more dignity as he shook James' hand across my body; however I knew he was probably freaking out. James was almost like a celebrity.

"So, Kendall, can I talk to you?" James said in a low voice, leaning towards me with words that were obviously intended for my ears only. Luckily the others got the hint, trying to talk to one another and not eavesdrop.

"Yeah sure" I replied standing and moving down the table a bit so we were out of earshot.

"So, the first thing my buddy Dak Zevon said to me this morning was 'Why is that Knight kid wearing your varsity jacket?'"

"Oh" I said in a small voice but a smile I couldn't fight growing on my lips, "Told you so."

He smiled at that but I could see the pain behind his eyes.

"I told him I didn't know you and that we must have gotten them mixed up in the locker rooms. I really don't want to ask for it back but..."

"No it's cool, I understand" I said with a sad voice as I took it off and gave it back to him.

I looked over towards James' regular table and saw two sets of eyes boring into me, Sarah and Dak.

"Did Dak say anything else by any chance?" I chuckled nervously, drawing my attention back to James.

"Yeah, he may have suggested that you and I were fucking" He grimaced.

"Oh, shit"

I felt a little bit sick; I really thought people wouldn't figure it out so quickly.

"It's fine. I covered it; he was just joking around anyway"

"Thank god" I said with a sigh of relief. "What about Sarah? You're obviously still together?"

"Yeah about that Kendall... I don't think I can break up with her, not just yet, it would be too suspicious"

"I knew it" I groaned, moving away from him slightly. "I knew you couldn't break up with her"

"Kendall it's not like that" He said softly, reaching out to touch my leg under the table where he suspected no one would be able to see. "It's just, things got pretty heated this morning with Dak and Sarah and Sarah was asking me all these questions about you and whether or not I'd cheat like the whole time in chemistry and I don't want to give her any reason to worry"

"No, you don't want to give her any reason to believe the truth. You see those three people sitting there?" I said, motioning towards my friends who were so obviously staring at us, "They're my bestest friends in the entire world and I could tell them right this second I was gay and that we were in love and they would be happy for me"

"Believe me Kendall, you have _no _idea how jealous I am of that, and you should know you're incredibly lucky but it's not the same for me. People watch my every move, if I were to suddenly break up with Sarah and be with you it would be the end of me"

"So what you're saying is your reputation is more important than how you feel about me?"

"Ugh no, that's not it. You also have no idea what my parents are like Kendall. They're not sweet and loving and amazing like yours, they would _kill _me if they found out. My Dad would probably go as far as moving us across the country just to get away from you, taking me away from my friends, hockey, school and yeah exactly that, _you. _I couldn't do that Kendall."

"I'm not going to say 'I understand' because clearly I don't, but you know this is something we can do together James, I will be here for you, I would be by your side"

"No Kendall! You wouldn't! That's what I'm trying to say!" He said angrily, hand now grasping my thigh firmly and his voice becoming raised. But honestly in this moment we could be yelling and I wouldn't notice, we were so wrapped in this little bubble we had created for ourselves, nothing and no one else mattered.

"Ok enough enough" I said suddenly, placing a hand on top of his under the table and squeezing it gently. "We shouldn't be fighting, I think we keep forgetting we only met _yesterday _and yet we're acting like an old married couple. Aren't we supposed to be in the 'honeymoon stage' or whatever?" I chuckled, "Shouldn't we be having heaps of sex and just enjoying each other's company?"

"Yes! I like the sound of that" he laughed back, interlocking our fingers. "So I was thinking, want to do something this afternoon?"

"I'd love to, but I have hockey training remember?"

"Oh crap... Well how about I come watch you guys train? Then after that we can go get something to eat and then maybe have a sleepover..."

"That sounds amazing" I replied with a twinkle in my eye and a lick of my lips.

"Shit..."

"What? What is it?"

"I really want to kiss you Kendall"

He was staring at me with that hungry expression I was beginning to recognise so well.

"Follow me" I whispered, standing from the table and regrettably disconnecting our fingers.

"Hey guys I'll be back in a sec, just need to go get something from James" I said to my friends who were giving me a look I couldn't quite understand or explain.

James followed me eagerly out of the cafeteria, not before sparing a quick glance over to his usual lunch table where Sarah and Dak were both staring daggers at us. Part of me knew we would probably regret this later but I just had to kiss him, I had to.

Once we left the cafeteria and prying eyes I took him by the hand and pulled him into the first empty classroom I saw. He wasted no time in lifting me up onto the nearest desk, holding me firmly by the middle and my legs wrapped tightly around his waist.

"Fuck you're so perfect" He breathed before he brought his lips to mine with that same hungry desire I saw in his eyes.

I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him closer to my body until we were pressed together so tightly I could feel his groin against mine and I couldn't help but moan into his mouth.

"I want you to fuck me" I whispered into his ear before placing hungry kisses all over his neck.

"Kendall" He chuckled softly. "You had no idea how much I want to, I'm picturing bending you over this desk and fucking you so hard you scream..."

"Ngh fuck" I moaned louder, trailing my hands down to his belt "Please, _please_ do that."

"I _really _want to. But later" He sighed, obviously using every bit of willpower he had to pull away and leave me flustered and half hard sitting on the desk. I looked at him with what I hoped was my best pair of sexy eyes and a grin that I hoped conveyed _"You can't resist me"_

"Oh my god why are you so irresistible" He growled, coming at me again with both hands grasping the side of my face and pulling me into him. I couldn't help but smile into the kiss as I had accomplished my battle, I must have some special spell over him.

"No, ok, fuck" He grunted, straightening up his coat and flattening his hair. "We've got to get back to lunch"

"Fine" I said with a big sigh, standing up off the test and giving him one last kiss before we left the room.

"I don't think I will ever want to not be kissing you Kendall" He said smiling whilst we made our way back through the cafeteria.

"Neither" I whispered, stopping suddenly when he had. "What is it?"

"I better go back over to my table, I told Sarah I was just grabbing my jacket off you, and besides, I think every second longer I spend with you I have more and more explaining to do"

"I understand" I sighed. "But I'll see you at hockey training?"

"Yeah totally" He replied with a dazzling smile, giving me a quick wink before returning to his table.

"Sorry guys" I said to my friends as I retook my seat next to Carlos.

"Hey" They chorused, looking rather confused and I didn't miss the look Camille and Jo just shared.

"Um Kendall, what's going on?" Camille asked, leaning towards me slightly, resting her chin on her propped elbow.

"What do you mean?"

"I know this is ridiculous, and I don't even know how it would be possible, but is something happening between you and James?" Jo whispered.

"Of course not!" I said probably too quickly, looking down at my hands. "Why would you say that?"

"Oh, no reason, forget we said anything" Jo replied, quickly looking at Camille before beginning to talk about something non interesting.

Carlos hadn't said anything yet, instead staring at me with big brown eyes there were burning with a million questions.

He opened his mouth to talk but at that moment the bell rang, drawing the two of us out of our staring competition.

"Ok let's get to class" I muttered, before saying my goodbyes to Jo and Camille who smiled at me brightly, the whole James situation seemingly forgotten.

"Are you coming Carlos?" I asked when I realised he was still sitting at the table, staring off into outer space.

"Yep sorry buddy" He said with a true Carlos Garcia smile.

As we left the cafeteria there was a small commotion outside which had a few people gathered around to watch. Both Carlos and I being insanely curious human beings couldn't help but stop and see what was going on. My heart sank when I saw who everyone was watching; Sarah and James.

"Sarah, can you settle down?" James said in a low voice, trying to take her by the hand and pull her away from the crowd.

"No! I will not settle down! I don't care who see's this! So they know what you really are!"

"Sarah!" He growled, his fists balling by his sides.

"Fuck you James Diamond!" She screamed, turning to leave heading straight for when Carlos and I were standing. I quickly tried to leave before either of them saw me but it was too late.

"You!" She screeched, marching towards me so I was completely trapped. "You! You stay the hell away from my boyfriend! You freak!"

"Ex-boyfriend!" James called from behind her.

"No one breaks up with Sarah Rose! You can't break up with me!" Still screaming she turned away from me, thank god, and stormed back over to where James was standing.

"Yeah well I just did! So leave me alone you crazy bitch!"

"Oh! I'm a crazy bitch! At least I'm not fucking the junior hockey captain!"

Everyone gasped. That was it; she said it, our lives and relationship were over. I felt numb.

"Ha! Him?" He yelled, pointing over at me, which had everyone now staring my way. "You honestly think I'm fucking him? Please Sarah; I could have anyone I wanted, if I was going to be fucking any guy" He stopped to shudder before he continued "it wouldn't be him!"

I was vaguely aware of Carlos' arm on mine trying to pull me away but I couldn't move, I couldn't even think. All there was were James' cold, hard eyes staring into mine.

* * *

**This was going to be much longer but I cut it off here for some dramatic suspense :P However this means the next chapter is already half written so hopefully won't be too long until the next update. **

**Also, my best friends name is Sarah Rose haha... sorry buddy! **

**Love it? Hate it? Review it? X**


	4. Give Me Shelter

**A/N: Wazza! So it's 5am in the morning... I'm tired... I have nothing to say... haha.**

**Hence being 5am sorry if the spelling/proof reading is not amazing.**

**And again, you're all great and I can't thank you enough for the reviews :) :)**

**So here is another chapter of "Baby, You've Got Me Under Your Spell" - Enjoy!**

* * *

**James P.O.V**

I felt sick, completely and utterly sick. Not only had I shattered my own heart today, I shattered Kendall's; the one true person I want to be with in this world.

As soon as I uttered those complete lies in front of everyone outside of the cafeteria I had to get out of there, I knew I had to get out before I looked at Kendall any longer and collapsed in tears on the ground. I had pushed past him, wanting for him to say something, say anything but no, he simply stared. All his eyes were void of emotion and feeling; it broke my heart more than I'd already broken it myself.

I disappeared to the empty stairwells the gym, and I'm not exactly proud of it but I balled my eyes out. Tears flowing relentlessly like waterfalls down my tanned face and splashing onto the cold, hard concrete stairs beneath. I felt horrible for a vast number of reasons but the one thing that played over and over in my mind were the words of Kendall's father, Logan.

"_Just please James, don't break his heart"_

"Oh god" I cried out loud, my voice echoing through the quiet stairs.

I had to go see him, I had to go explain. I jumped up from my seat and practically ran towards the parking lot. As I checked my watch I hoped he would be home from school and hockey training, it was 5:30, so surely he would. Before my decision to leave I'd stayed at school for quite awhile, sitting on those cold stairs for hours with my head in my hands and crying more tears than I think anyone had cried in one lifetime... I was a coward, I couldn't face anyone.

As I pulled up out the front of his house that nauseous feeling I'd had since lunchtime heightened, and I felt as if I were literally going to throw up all over the side of the pavement.

"Just breathe. Just tell him you're sorry" I said to myself before I got out of the car and walked up the path to his front door.

I had no right to ask for his forgiveness; all I could hope was that he understood how sorry I was and that I didn't mean a single word.

I took a long, deep breath before ringing the doorbell.

"Oh, hi James" Dr Logan Mitchell said with a surprised smile.

"He-hey" I stuttered, voice breaking from crying so much.

"Is everything ok?" He asked, opening the door completely to let me in.

"Um not really. Is Kendall home yet?"

"No he won't be home for about another half hour I'd say, did you want to wait?"

"Yes please, I'd actually really like to talk to you" I said in a small voice as he lead me towards the living room.

"Can I get you anything?" He asked as I took a seat in one of the large, leather couches.

"No no it's fine"

He looked me up and down with a raised eyebrow, obviously intrigued in what I would want to talk to him about, it's not like I really needed to make a confession of Kendall and mines love; he'd already figured it out in one night.

"Mr Mitchell – Logan, I did something – oh god" I felt sobs trying to break through my chest and I placed my head in my hands.

"Goodness James what is it?" He asked concerned, moving to sit next to me on the couch and place one hand comfortingly around my shoulder.

"I broke my promise" I said in barely a whisper before I collapsed into his shoulder and began to cry.

I knew it was probably inappropriate to be practically clutching on to him for dear life and staining his shirt in tears but I couldn't help it, there was something about Logan that was so comforting and made me feel safe.

"You broke his heart" Logan replied in a matched hushed tone, not asking it as a question, more confirming what he knew was going to happen.

I thought he might kick me out, tell me to leave, yell at me or do anything than what he was doing; which was continuing to hug me closer and stroke my back softly.

"What happened?" He asked slowly into my hair as I still continued to cry silently.

"Oh Logan, it was all one big mess." I sighed into his shirt. "It didn't take long for my girlfriend and friends to figure out something was going on, so my girlfriend basically screamed at me in front of half the school and Kendall was there and – oh god." I clutched him tighter to me, trying to regain some composure before I continued with the story "She accused me of sleeping with Kendall and I said something really horrible."

"What did you say?" He prompted.

"I said... I said that if I were ever going to be sleeping with a guy it sure as hell wouldn't be Kendall"

I couldn't help but cry now as I repeated those dreadful words I had spoken.

"I'm so sorry Logan, I'm so sorry" I sobbed "I didn't mean it; I don't know why I said it. I love him. I'm so sorry"

"Don't apologise to me, apologise to Kendall" He soothed.

"I know, I'm going to. But he won't forgive me."

"James" he sighed, leaning me up to look him directly in the eyes, chocolate pools boring into the depth of my soul. "From when I first met Kendall's mother Jen, I knew Kendall was special. He was 10 and he was incredible. I loved him like my own son and vowed that I would be there for the whole family. I don't know if Kendall has told you? But he has a sister, Katie."

I nodded slowly, remembering everything Kendall had told me at dinner the night before about his beautiful, strong, independent and loving sister who was 10 years old and already so completely full of life.

"She lives in New York though right?" I confirmed.

"Yes she lives with her and Kendall's father and Jen's ex-husband, Peter" Logan grimaced slightly before he continued "Kendall never talks about Peter, I would be surprised if he told you about him, because he resents his father a lot, because he believes Peter "stole" Katie in a way. I met Jen and we got married shortly after her and Peter divorced and I was instantly accepted into the family, Kendall was 10 and Katie was 4 and we were so happy. Peter got to see the kids as much as he wanted because he lived in Minnesota, but then when the kids were 12 and 6 he got a job in New York City, and demanded the kids were to come live with him. Of course neither Jen nor I stood for that and it resulted in a lot of lawyers and trips to court. Ultimately in the end the kids were asked to make the decision, who did they want to live with? Katie loves her father, and so does Kendall although he loves me more, I hope anyway ha, but yes Katie loved her father and he made it seem as if moving to the big bright lights of New York was very exciting and she was sucked in a bit. It created a large rift in my family James, because suddenly there was a piece of us missing. We see Katie all the time in holidays and such and she speaks with us on the phone at least once a week but it's not the same as having her under this roof. She's just as much a child to me as Kendall is. Anyway James the point of my story is I couldn't stand losing Katie, and I couldn't bear to lose Kendall as well. I know Kendall, better than he thinks I do, and I know something like this might tempt him to move to New York to be with his father and Katie. As I told you last night he will give his heart to you completely and sometimes I don't think he truly knows what to with himself when his heart gets broken. I suspect you're right, that Kendall possibly won't forgive you, but I hope you can mend his heart enough for him to not do anything rash, I can't lose my son like I lost my daughter James"

I stared at him, lost for words. He was right, Kendall had barely mentioned his father and I hadn't wanted to push the subject as we had only just met, but I knew there was some slight pain and resentment there, and now I knew why. His words terrified me, would I drive Kendall away? Would he come home and tell his parents he was moving to New York just to escape me?

"However" Logan said, interrupting my train of thought "He always manages to surprise me with his decision on things, so don't write yourself off just yet"

Not that it matched my mood at all; I couldn't help but laugh slightly.

"Ha yeah, I think I can" I scoffed "I'm such an idiot. Why did I have to give him my heart and take his in return?"

"Come here" he sighed, leaning back on the couch and pulling me into him so I had my arms wrapped around his torso. "James you're an incredible human being, I can see that, yes you might be a bit of an idiot when it comes to love, but you're not a bad person. Kendall knows that."

This was so strange. I was cuddling on the couch with Kendall's father... but I wasn't complaining.

"Thanks Logan. I feel if I hadn't screwed things up so much with Kendall this could have been the start to an amazing relationship" I said with a small laugh as I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his hand running through my hair and the slow, steady beat of his heart.

"We can still be friends James" he said softly and he kissed my hair. Yes, he kissed my hair. But again, it didn't really freak me out at all.

We sat like that for awhile. It was nice to have someone's arms around me, holding me tight and giving me their love and support. I feel like a lot of people aren't going to be giving me that in the near future. I was so lost in the feel of his hand on my back and my inner turmoil over Kendall I didn't even hear someone enter the room until they spoke.

"What. The. Fuck?"

I whipped my head up to see a very angry Kendall standing in front of the couch, glaring down on me and his father like we were the most horrific thing he had even seen.

I immediately jumped out Logan's arms and stood on my feet to face Kendall, Logan did the same.

"Dad what the hell are you doing?" He growled, looking like he didn't know who to punch first.

"Kendall calm down" he sighed, placing one hand on Kendall's shoulder that he immediately shoved off. "James came over looking for you; he was incredibly upset so I was comforting him."

"Yeah? Well did he tell you _why _he was upset?" Kendall spat.

"Yes, he told me the whole story Kendall and I'm not showing him any resentment for it"

"Well thanks a whole fucking lot Logan, nice to know you care about me"

I looked at Logan's face and could see he was hurt from the way Kendall hadn't called him Dad. I got the feeling that Kendall probably switched to first names when they were fighting.

"Of course I care about you Kendall, and so does James. I think he's got a lot of things he wishes to say"

"Yeah well I don't want to hear them" He muttered, turning quickly on his heel and storming up the stairs.

"Go after him" Logan said softly, placing a hand on my back and practically pushing me out of the room.

Part of me wanted to walk as slow as I could up the stairs in fear of how Kendall would react to me and the other part wanted to sprint, burst down the door and beg on my knees for his forgiveness. I decided on somewhere in between the two.

To no great surprise his door was locked.

"Kendall" I said "Please let me in"

When there was no reply I knocked once more and tried again, "Kendall please. I'm not asking for your forgiveness I just want to tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you."

Suddenly the door flung open and he was standing there right in front of me. Now that I was looking closely I could see his bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks and eyes so full of sadness my heart was cracking more and more by the mere sight.

I was tongue tied.

"Well, come in then."

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***Cue dramatic, cliff-hanger music* ;)**


	5. Let's File It Away For Later

**Chapter 5 - Let's File It Away For Later.**

**A/N: Hey everyone :) So as promised I am updating quickly, because ending the last chapter where I did was incredibly bitchy of me haha - reading your comments had me laughing :P **

**So anyway, here is another chapter of Baby, You've Got Me Under Your Spell, enjoy! :D **

**Warning: This chapter is M, definitely M... ;)**

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**James P.O.V **

I felt déjà vu creep over me as I stepped into his room. Everything was in the same place, untainted and unchanged. Emotions wise I felt almost just as nervous as I had when I last entered this room, except now they were for different reasons.

"Kendall" I began, shutting the door behind me and staring straight into his emerald eyes. "Kendall, I love you. I'm so sorry; words don't begin to explain how sorry I am. I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to prove how sorry I am and how much I love you if I have to."

When he didn't say anything I decided to just keep begging. "I don't even know why I said it. I think it was just in the heat of the moment, and there were so many people there and I don't know. This might sound weird and believe it or not but in a way I was kind of helping you. Because I'm sure people just saw the whole situation and thought "Why is Kendall getting dragged in to Sarah's bitch storm? James is such a bastard for saying that to him when he hasn't done anything". I'm actually confident that's what people would be saying. But I know that doesn't make it ok, what I said was still horrible. I also don't know if it would help to tell you that what I said was a complete and utter lie, because Kendall believe me, you're the _only _guy I want to be sleeping with. I know I made it seem like I would choose anyone over you, but that's honestly one of the biggest lies I've ever told. There is no one but you, and did I mention you're fucking sexy as all hell? Just looking at you does stuff to me... You're beautiful, stunning, sexy, hot, and incredible – you're everything."

I took a large sigh, feeling as if a small weight had been taken off my shoulders. At least if he kicked me out now I would have said all I needed to say. I stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something, say anything.

"Kendall can you say something please?"

Well he didn't say something, but he definitely _did _something. He grabbed me by the front of my jacket and shoved me at such a blinding pressure into the wall and I felt as if my rib was breaking again, but I barely noticed it. All there was in this moment was Kendall's face mere inches from my own and his beautiful eyes boring into mine, and they were completely unreadable.

"I should kick your ass" he grunted "You know that right?"

I nodded weakly, shutting my eyes and just waiting to feel a fist connect with my face, I deserved it.

Instead however I felt a different sensation, one that shocked me and took me by complete surprise; I felt his lips on mine.

I gasped and flew open my eyes, only quickly to shut them again and melt into his embrace. It was rough and hungry, a kiss fuelled by anger and passion.

"I know you didn't mean what you said" He muttered, ripping off my coat and throwing it into the general direction of the middle of the room. "But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt"

"I know Kendall, I know" I gasped as his hands went up underneath my shirt.

"I shouldn't forgive you." He said as he practically tore my shirt off my body.

"No, you really shouldn't"

"I had some big speech prepared. Even though I knew you were lying and doing it all for show I was going to tell you that it doesn't matter if it was all for show because it was fucking cruel and hurt like hell."

"Then why are you doing this? Why are you forgiving me?"

"Because I love you idiot, and you're fucking irresistible"

"Kendall, I love you too, so much." I said as my hands found the hem of his shirt to tug it off, but surprisingly he grabbed for my hands and pinned them on the door above my head.

"No" He purred, kissing my jaw line and pressing his groin into mine, driving me crazy. "You want to prove to me how much you love me and how sorry you are? Well good, because I'm going to make you work for it"

"I will do anything" I responded, leaning my head forward to capture his lips in a hot, wet kiss.

"Good. Now get over on the bed." He ordered.

There was something insanely hot about this dominant Kendall, and he had me craving his touch more and more by the second.

I sat on his bed and crawled back until I was up against the head board and propped on my elbows, staring at him at the foot of the bed.

He removed his cardigan painfully slow and flung it on the floor to join my coat and shirt. His shirt was next, and somehow he managed to do that even slower – he was killing me.

"Please Kendall" I whined, causing him to chuckle and pull the rest of his shirt completely off.

"Patience is a virtue" He said, now climbing on the bed and crawling towards me until he was positioned nicely between my legs and body on top of mine.

"I love you" I whispered, grasping his face in my hands and bringing his lips crushing down on top of mine.

I didn't even try and battle for dominance in our kiss, this was all his game and I was merely his toy, ready to be subjected to his every command.

"Ok there's something I need to change about this" he whispered against my neck.

"What?"

"These things" He said grabbing my hands and placing them in his. "Your hands are going to get in the way" He grinned, jumping off the bed suddenly and moving to his wardrobe.

I'll admit I was confused for a fraction of a second, until I saw him turn around with two neck ties in his hands and a big, seductive grin on his face.

He practically jumped back on the bed and sat on top of me, straddling my waist firmly. He slowly but roughly grabbed each one of my wrists and fastened them securely to the posts of his bed until I was completely on display and really had no control over my body.

"Since when is Kendall Knight such a sex god?" I asked with a big grin, looking up at him and begging to be touched. It didn't help that our covered erections were now against one another in the way he was sitting on me.

"Hockey captains have their secrets" He said with a chuckle, quoting what I had said yesterday it seemed.

His hands trailed up and down my torso as he placed kisses anywhere he could across my neck and chest, but it wasn't enough.

"Kendall please" I whined, bucking my hips into him in desperation.

"You know for someone who 'Could have sex with anyone he wanted so he wouldn't choose me' you're incredibly eager"

I knew he was joking but it still hurt hearing it again, reminding me of what a dickhead I was.

"Kendall wait" I said suddenly before his hands could undo the buttons of my belt.

"I swear to God if you tell me to stop James I will actually beat the shit out you"

"Hell no" I chuckled before I looked at him seriously, "Look at me when I say this Kendall, I will never hurt you again, I promise –"

"No" He said quickly, placing a finger on my lips to silence me, "No promises."

"But Kendall –"

"No. Let's just enjoy right now, ok?"

"Ok" I sighed as he kissed me softly.

"Now, shut up"

"Yes Sir" I grinned before pursing my lips together.

He was back to my belt then and making light work of it too, having my jeans glided off and on the floor in mere seconds. I was then only left in my boxers, and my god, he needed to get those boxers off before I screamed. Being horny and quiet at the same time just doesn't mix.

He palmed me through my boxes as he kissed my exposed chest and chuckled lightly when I began to groan. I whimpered slightly when he sat up off me, afraid he was going to stop but instead he began undoing the buckle of his belt and unzipping his jeans – and an incredibly slow pace.

"Oh you're growling now?" He laughed as he slid out his jeans smoothly and added them to the clothes pile.

I wasn't aware I had been growling, but fuck it he was testing my patience.

Once the jeans were off he was back on my body like wildfire, hands and lips touching any bit of skin they could.

"You know James, seeing you like this almost makes what you said ok" He chuckled at what was probably a look of complete pain on my face. My erection was now throbbing so painfully hard I thought I might explode.

Of course he was wrong, what I said would never be ok, but for now I shall file that under _"Shit to deal with when the boy of your dreams doesn't have his hand on your dick"_

Finally he was dragging my boxers down off my hips until my erection broke free and I felt a cool air against my skin. I needed heat on it, like right now.

Like the little fucking tease he was being he began to place light kisses to the tip of my cock, before he began to run his hand ever so slowly up the side of the shaft, using his thumb to collect any precum on the tip.

"Kendall!" I yelled, no longer being able to keep it in.

"Yeah fuck it, you're too sexy" He said in a low groan, practically shredding his boxers off his body and pressing us so tightly together and kissing me passionately.

"Suck" He commanded when he placed his fingers in front of my mouth, and I instantly obeyed, drawing out long, deep sucks on his rough fingers whilst I looked up innocently into his eyes.

"Now I'm telling you this from experience from last night" He murmured as he trailed his wet fingers down my body "This isn't going to be good at first, but trust me, it gets _so _good."

"I trust you" I smiled, wishing desperately to touch his face; damn these ties.

And yes I trusted him but I was also slightly nervous, I had seen the pain on his face last night and knew I was going to be experiencing that same pain very shortly, but it was worth it.

Without more warning than that I felt a cool finger inside of me, which had me gasping instantly.

"Shit" I gasped, throwing my head back and shutting my eyes, arms pulling tightly on their restraints.

"I know" He soothed before he inserted another finger which had me writhing on the bed.

"One more" I panted as he began to scissor inside of me. It hurt but the pain was a blissful one, definitely one my body was becoming more and more accustomed to the harder and deeper he went.

"Fuck me Kendall" I gasped in pleasure.

"No no no" He said in a singsong voice, "You're going to have to beg harder than that"

"Ngh – fuck!" I groaned as his fingers started to hit a spot inside me that had me seeing stars. "Please Kendall, oh my fucking god please, fuck me so hard" I begged, looking up at him through half-lidded eyes full of lust and desire.

"Only because you asked nicely... well maybe not nicely" He whispered seductively, removing his fingers which made me feel surprisingly empty.

"Are you ready?" He asked as he began to lather his throbbing erection in his own saliva.

"Yes, please, oh god yes." I begged as he lifted my legs up on to his shoulders and lined himself up.

Kendall didn't need to be told twice as he slammed himself into me.

"Holy shit!" I screamed, hands now tugging so hard on the ties around my wrists I was surprised I didn't rip them.

"Oh my god James" Kendall moaned with his head thrown back.

It hurt in the beginning, I'm not going to lie to you, but then he angled his hips a certain way, a perfect, indescribable way and he had me positively screaming in ecstasy. Surely this had to be heaven? I couldn't imagine a feeling quite like this one... someone remind me again why all men weren't gay? I also decided in that moment that the feel of Kendall slamming into me and looking up at his blissed out face that was slightly glistening in sweat... yeah I decided if he was going to want to be bottom he was going to have to fight me for it. There was one slight problem though...

"Kendall touch me, please" I begged, tugging on my bound wrists, secretly hoping that they would come free and I could attack him... and my dick.

"Jamie" He moaned, looking down on me with green eyes full of love and passion.

His little nickname for me "Jamie" had my heart doing flips and churns that for now I will file away in _"Shit to deal with when the boy of your dreams isn't fucking you into tomorrow"_

"Jamie" He said again, "Tell me you love me"

I couldn't answer fast enough, "I love you, I love you so much."

"And Jamie" He breathed, quickening his pace. "Do you think I'm sexy?"

As I looked at his hard, glistening body with his dusty blonde hair falling lightly around his face, accentuating his chiselled jaw line; there was only one answer that entered my head, "The fucking sexiest human being I've ever seen"

He seem satisfied with that answer, as he moved my legs slightly (so as to not squish me) around his waist and brought his lips down onto mine quick and hungry, one hand quickly finding my dick and beginning to pump in time with his thrusts.

"Fuck. Yes" I groaned, my pleasure heightening (if that was even possible) as I felt myself near climax.

"Harder – faster, ngh fuck" I groaned and to which he complied. "Kendall! SHIT!"

I bucked my hips forward into his touch and practically screamed into his mouth as he kissed me. Without too much warning other than my incessant moans and strangled yells I came hot and hard in his palm and on my stomach.

"Oh my god Kendall, I love you" I breathed, leaning forward as much as the constrictive ties would allow so I could kiss his chest, his neck, his anything.

" Oh my – ugh – fuck, James" Kendall grunted, giving one or two final thrusts before he spilled his seed inside of me.

The expression on his face was so indescribably priceless. His lips were slightly parted, eyes closed and small beads of sweat matting his blonde hair. Yes, yes Kendall Knight was _incredibly _sexy.

"Fuck" He breathed, pulling out of me and collapsing on my chest.

Both our breathing was still heavy and fast, I felt as if it would take forever to calm down from what I had just experienced. I wanted so desperately to wrap my arms around his body and pull him so close into me, never letting go.

"Kendall" I sighed, my breath still laboured and heart pounding fast. "Can you release me now?"

"Mmm..." He pondered, now propping himself up on my chest. "I guess" He chuckled, leaning over my head to undo the ties.

"Thank god" I groaned when I was finally released, hands flying to his face and pulling him in so fast he didn't even have time to blink.

"Is that a thank you?" He mumbled against my lips as my hands fisted through his hair.

"Thank you for so many things" I said, kissing him and talking all at once "Thank you for being the most amazing human being I've ever met"

"You're welcome" he said with a smile, rolling slightly to the side so the majority of his weight was no longer crushing me.

He nuzzled into my side whilst I lay on my back, with his head cradled in the crook of my neck. I held him so tightly to me I was surprised he wasn't complaining.

As I held him in my arms and placed light kisses to his hair I had many question mulling around in my brain. What did this mean for us? Would he still be ok for us to be a secret? What would people be saying at school? Would my friends still talk to me? ... Would I ever come out and having nothing to hide when it came to Kendall?

But for now I won't let these questions bring me down, I'll file them under _"Shit to deal with when the boy of your dreams isn't lying in your arms"_

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**There we go! :) But... it's not happy ever after just yet for my two favourite boys in the entire world... **

**What did you think? I love hearing from you guys! xx**


	6. It's All A Game

**A/N: Hey guys. Sorry for the lack in updating, not just in this but in all my other stories too for anyone who is reading those as well. I ju****st haven't been in the mood recently. University and personal stuff just... Yeah, it hasn't been great. Probably the explanation for how this chapter came out emotions wise.**

**I have some more stuff I would like to say about this chapter but I'm going to put it in an A/N down the bottom because I don't want to give anything away.**

**What I will say is (and later elaborate on) there is a lot of dialouge in this chapter which I'm not a huge fan of. But it's necessary at the moment so forgive me :P**

**Thanks again to all those who have reviewed a****nd story alerted/favourited. It really does make me happy :)**

**Now on with the story! xx**

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******Chapter 6 - It's All A Game.**

**Kendall P.O.V**

"Kendall! Kendall Kendall Kendall!"

"Calm down buddy" I said with a small smile as I took a seat next to my best friend Carlos Garcia for first period Biology and tried to ignore the few looks I was given by my fellow classmates, I knew yesterday would have everyone talking.

"Kendall! Why didn't you call me last night? I was really worried about you!"

There were a few reasons I hadn't called him last night... Having sex with James all night was one.

"Why?" I asked, confused about his concern.

"Why do you think? You were so incredibly depressed yesterday, after those horrible things James said. I can't believe you got dragged into all that... I thought he was supposed to be nice... Oh well I guess we couldn't expect much more. Are you ok?"

It took me a second to figure out what he was going on about. It didn't really feel like only yesterday Sarah had almost outed us to the whole school and James tore my heart in two, but he certainly paid his dues.

"Oh yeah it's fine, I'm all good" I said, unable to fight the smile off my face as the images of James tied to my bed and begging me to fuck him filled my mind.

"What happened?" Carlos asked, slightly taken aback.

"What do you mean?"

"Yesterday after lunch and all through hockey training I thought you were going to slit your wrists or something, and now you're all happy again! What happened between now and then?"

"Am I not allowed to be happy?"

"Of course you're allowed to be happy, that's not what I meant" He said with a roll of his eyes.

"Sorry buddy' I replied with a laugh, "Um... James... James came to my house last night and... Apologised" I stuttered awkwardly.

"You're kidding" He said stunned, not really asking it as a question.

"Nope. He came over and yeah, said he was sorry, like really sorry."

"Why would he say that then only to come over and apologise later? It doesn't make any sense! He's such an asshole! I bet he just doesn't want to look bad so he's just trying to suck up to you. Ugh I hate him!"

"Settle down Carlos" I sighed, "He's not an asshole."

"You just proved my point! He doesn't want you to think he's an asshole, when in fact what he's doing is –"

"Stop stop!" I groaned, placing one hand on his shoulder. "He's not an asshole ok? Well I guess he can be, he's not perfect" _But he's perfect to me_ I thought with a smile.

"Why are you so quick to defend him after what he said?"

I simply shrugged and continued to smile whilst I drew little love hearts all over my note pad... Shit that's gay, quickly cross it out before Carlos see's them...

"Kendall what's going on?" He was kind of pissed off now, like he was so close to figuring out the puzzle but he just couldn't get that last piece.

"Just drop it ok? And please don't hate James."

"Kendall what are you..." His eyes went wide as he _finally_ figured it out. "YOU HAD SEX WITH JAMES DIAMOND DIDN'T YOU!"

"Carlos!" I hissed, grabbing him by the front of his jacket and dragging him out of the room. The teacher gave us an odd look but didn't say anything; we still had a few minutes before the final bell rang.

"Start talking! Right now!" He said in a hurry once we were out of earshot from any possible listeners.

"We met the other night as you know, and he asked me out, not like on a date but just to hang out, get to know each other, and oh my god Carlos he is the most amazing person I've ever met. I've never felt so connected with anyone. So I confessed to him that I really liked him and at first I thought I totally freaked him out cause he dint say anything and left the restaurant, but then when we got back to the car he kissed me and Carlos... It was indescribable... I've never felt something like that in my whole life... It was like when our lips touched I just knew he was... The One. I know that sounds bad and we barely know each other but seriously I'm in love with him. So then he came back to my house and yeah... We had sex. And if I wasn't sure he was The One after a kiss then sex definitely concreted that in my mind. I just... I can't even... Words don't even explain."

I stared at Carlos expectantly, but when he didn't respond I kept going.

"And I know you think he's an asshole for what he said about me in front of Sarah and yeah that's why initially I was so upset yesterday, but deep down I knew he didn't really mean it. So he was waiting at my house and it was obvious he had been crying and he was cuddling with my Dad which was... yeah I don't want to get into that right now. But yes at first I was really, really angry he was there and I stormed off to my room, fully intending to never speak to him ever again, but then he came and apologised and Carlos, it was so sweet and I just couldn't stay mad at him, he really does love me. So don't hate him, he didn't really mean what he said, it was more of a cover thing because we're keeping it a secret, after like a day people were starting to get suspicious; Sarah as you saw for example. So yeah please, please don't say anything to anyone, not even Jo and Camille."

For once in his entire life Carlos Garcia was speechless.

"So..?" I prompted.

"Kendall don't do this"

"What?" I stammered.

"Kendall he's using you!"

"What? Why would you say that?"

"Kendall... You know I'm your best friend and I love you and I'm just looking out for you but I can see it on your face that you're completely obsessed with him and I think he knows that, and especially cause he wants to keep you a secret and after what he said to you at lunch in front of everyone... People don't say that to the one's they love... Kendall I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"No, you're wrong. He loves me too, I know he does, he's just scared..." I wanted to be mad at Carlos, fight for my new found love, but how could I fight for something I doubted myself?

"How can you know he loves you Kendall?"

"Because! He told me! You don't understand!"

"Kendall we know what sort of guy James is, sleeping with anything that moves, captain of the team, king of the school, he has everyone wrapped around his little finger, especially you."

"Why are you saying all this? I thought you would be happy for me!"

"Kendall of course I want you to be happy, but that is exactly why I'm saying all this, I just feel like you're going to get your heart broken"

"Shut up. You don't know anything" I grunted, turning quickly on my heel and returning to the classroom. Carlos looked at me with big sad eyes as he entered the room and retook his seat next to me but didn't say anything.

My heart was telling me to say something, but any thought I had about talking to him was cut short when the bell rang and class began.

Why was all this happening? Everyone was against James and me's relationship; my dad, Carlos and even me a little bit, we weren't going to win.

An hour had gone by as I tried to distract myself with the biology of plants, anything but Carlos' sad eyes next to me, but it wasn't exactly working until I felt my phone buzz through my jeans pocket, letting me know I had a text message.

**Hey come meet me, we really need to talk. James **

"Mr Warner? Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked, probably interrupting whatever he was talking about.

"Sure" He said with a kind smile.

One I was out of the classroom I replied to his text

**Sure :) Where?**

*****_Beep*_

**Meet me in the old stairwell behind the gym.**

I knew exactly where he was talking about, and tried not to run as I made my way there. I didn't trouble myself too much over what James would want to talk about; surely it wouldn't be anything bad. I was no longer fighting the smile that was on my face as I walked across the school courtyard. I was a little sad I had fought with Carlos but he would come around eventually and see James was the perfect guy for me. But was he the perfect guy?... Yes, yes he was, I'm sure he was. He hadn't treated me badly, he apologised, and that makes it ok... right?

I went through the top entrance of the gym and realised there were actually quite a few flights of stairs so I would have to call out.

"James?" I called, eyes adjusting to the dim lights.

**James P.O.V**

**One hour previous. **

"James fucking Diamond" I heard a voice laugh from behind me as I shoved my books in my locker.

"Dak" I sighed, shutting the door and turning to face him, patiently awaiting his onslaught. I knew he saw all that went down yesterday with Sarah and Kendall.

"So, I'm amazing" He said triumphantly, leaning against the locker next to mine.

"And why is that?" Leaning in the same position he was.

"Well, there are many reasons, but the most important one at the moment would probably be... hmmm..."

"Just spit it out" I groaned, knowing full well what he was about to say.

"Oh god I'm so excited to say this, I've got to say it just right"

"Dak!"

"Ok ok, who am I? Alright, you have to guess who I am, ready?"

I shut up eyes and leaned my head back; I felt a headache coming on.

"Oh yeah... Oh fuck yeah" He grunted in a very sexual way, having me instantly snapping my eyes open to look at him doing some obscene gesture, "Oh my god Kendall that feels so amazing... You're so amazing... Fuck yes right there... I love you Kendall... KENDALL!"

What I did next was probably very un-gentlemanly of me, but whatever; I punched him right in the square of his face.

"Ow" He chuckled; I didn't really hit him hard. "That was the exact reaction I was going for"

"Come with me" I muttered, grabbing his elbow and pulling him into the closest men's bathroom. There were some juniors in there but I instantly snapped at them to get out; when James Diamond and Dak Zevon enter a room you get out.

"It's true isn't?" Dak smiled at me through the reflection of the mirror as he checked his nose for any possible bleeding or breakage.

"Yes" I sighed.

I decided I couldn't be bothered trying to hide it from him much longer, because clearly he knew and despite what you might think I actually trust Dak, he is my best friend after all.

"Man you should have just told me yesterday" He grinned with glee as he turned to face me.

"Yeah and have you tease me for an extra 24 hours that what I'm going to get already? No thanks."

"Nah buddy I won't tease you, it was just fun watching you stress and try and deny it."

"Thanks" I muttered, staring at my feet.

"You know I don't hate you right?" He asked, moving closer towards me.

"Thanks" I said again with a large sigh, giving him a feeble smile. "You don't think it's weird though?"

"Oh dude don't get me wrong, it's fucking weird as shit! But nothing I can't cope" He chuckled.

"Ugh it's so weird isn't it?" I groaned, now leaning against the far wall of the bathroom and tilting my head back to look up at the ceiling.

"But I guess it's over now." He sighed.

"What?" I said suddenly, looking at him quickly, "What would make you think it's over?"

"Um... were you not there when you basically tore his heart out in front of the whole school? Surely he didn't... Oh my god he forgave you didn't he!" Dak laughed, clapping his hands together. "James Diamond you little minx, he is so tightly on your leash"

"Shut up, he's not on my leash or whatever" I snapped.

"Um yeah he totally is. I don't think I would forgive you if you said that about me."

"I wouldn't say that about you."

"Because I'm gorgeous? Sexy? Hot? Incredible?"

"Modest?"

"And that" He laughed. "I more meant that you would definitely have sex with me if given the chance."

"Excuse me?" I asked stunned, now consciously aware of how close Dak was standing.

"Oh come on Diamond, you and I have been friends forever, don't deny you wouldn't do something with me" He grinned, placing one hand on the wall next to my head and leaning forward slightly.

"I think the fact you're not gay kind of impacts on that"

"What if I'm not? It's not like we've ever talked about it."

"Oh please Zevon" I scoffed, rolling my eyes "I think you've slept with every senior girl at this school"

"And so have you... yet here we are"

He had a point. Was Dak really gay? Surely not. And was he hitting on me? Surely not...

"Can I try something Diamond?" He muttered; face now hovering so close to mine, eyes shifting from my eyes to my lips.

My heart screamed no, my head screamed no, but my body screamed _yes._

"Just do it all ready" I moaned, moving my head slightly forward to close the gap between our lips.

It was rough, hot, passionate, full of want and desire, a desire I hadn't known had been within me for so long. His hands found the folds of my jacket and grabbed them firmly as my hands snaked around his neck and grasp at his hair, pulling him closer to me. Right now there was nothing but his lips on mine, no thought in my head but how his body felt pressed up against mine. Nothing except a tiny voice inside my head, a voice saying a name that I couldn't quite focus on right now.

"Oh Dak" I moaned as his lips began to trail along my chin and neck.

"Finally" he groaned against my skin.

"What?"

"I've been waiting to hear you moan my name for so long now, I was sick of imitating it"

I couldn't help but laugh as his lips reconnected with mine and he lifted me up slightly against the wall.

"James, let's go somewhere, I don't really want to have sex in the bathroom" He breathed hot and heavy against my lips.

"You want to have sex with me?" I asked, pulling back slightly to look into his muddy green eyes.

Not the right green...

"Of course, idiot" He chuckled, kissing my neck again.

"Wait wait wait" I said, pushing him off me slightly and resting my hands on his shoulders. "This isn't right."

"Yes exactly, let's not have sex in a bathroom"

"No" I smiled, "I have a..." I couldn't bring myself to say boyfriend, "I have Kendall remember?"

Saying his name was like a dagger to my heart.

"Kendall is just a game, James. You've had your fun, so now it's time to have a real man" He smirked.

"Kendall's a real man" I laughed.

"Oh please! I bet I would be so much better in bed" He grinned, leaning forward to kiss me again.

"Maybe" I smirked, toying with the collar on his coat.

"Want to find out?"

_No. No you want Kendall; you only want Kendall, what the hell are you doing?_

"Maybe" I smirked again, this time me being the one to connect our lips once more.

"Then come on, let's get out of here, we've already well and truly missed first class, let's go back to mine or yours or something." He whispered against my lips.

"Wait, I should talk to Kendall first."

"Why?"

"To let him know we're... over"

"As I said before James, he's just a game... you can still play with him a bit, what he doesn't know won't kill him."

_It will kill him. It will kill me._

"Very true" I grinned. "But I still need to talk to him, about other things too, so I'll go meet him and I'll see you at lunch ok?

"Ugh fine" He said with a large sigh, moving back and running a hand through his hair. "I'll see you at lunch. Go have fun with your toy boy"

"Bye Dak" I smiled, lips responding quickly as he placed his on mine before leaving.

I pulled out my phone to send a text message, ignoring the fact my hands were shaking uncontrollably.

**Hey come meet me, we really need to talk. James **

I quickly made my way to the gym steps I had taken refuge in yesterday; now waiting for his reply as I sat huddled on the bottom concrete step.

**Sure :) Where?**

I replied instantly, fingers fumbling as I told him where to come meet me.

It didn't take long until I heard to door one level above me creak open.

"James?" I heard Kendall's sweet voice call.

And that's when I lost it. Breaking down in tears so strong I didn't know how I would be able to go on any further with life.

* * *

**A/N: Did you see that coming? :P I'm sorry, I know I'm the worst with cliff hangers. **

**What I wanted to say at the top was, I'm intentionally using a lot of dialouge in this chapter, especially with James and Dak because I don't want to go into the emotions and feelings behind everything that is going down just yet. It's kind of hard to explain... But either way I hope you enjoyed it and you'll just have to keep reading to find out what happens next :) **


	7. Stop Hurting Me

**A/N: Quick update because I don't like to leave you guys and girls hanging for too long :P **

**I'm literally running late to my class at Uni whilst I type this so I can't post much in the way of authors notes so... If you have questions don't hesitate to ask! :)**

**I'm sorry this is short, it's sort of just a filler/preparing chapter for what is to come! **

**Lots of love! xx**

**P.S I haven't had a chance to proof read so sorry in advance!**

**Chapter 7 - Stop Hurting Me.**

* * *

**Kendall P.O.V **

"James?" I called out once more, now slightly terrified by the sounds I heard from below.

I ran down as fast as I could to see James sitting on the bottom step, arms wrapped tightly around his legs and head bowed; he was shaking uncontrollably.

"Oh my god James, what is it?" I asked, now panicking as I sat down and flung my arms around his body.

What was going on? Was he like this? And why wasn't he even speaking to me?

"James, please talk to me" I begged, trying to get him to lift his head and look at me.

He finally looked up and it almost took my breath away, I'd never seen anyone so broken. His usually full of light hazel eyes were now dark, clouded and full of pain, tears spilling from them relentlessly and cascading down his tan cheeks. I felt one tear escape out of the corner of my eye as I looked at his fragile form, I couldn't bear to see him hurt, even if I didn't know the reason.

"K-Kendall" He stammered, voice blowing me away; it was so dark, so full of pain. "Don't touch me."

I felt stung, felt as if I had just exposed my skin to a naked flame as I took my hands off his shoulders.

"Kendall... you're great."

No.

"And I've had lots of fun."

No.

"But I think we both kind of knew from the beginning..."

No.

"This wasn't going to last."

This isn't happening. No.

"So I think its best if we just end it now before one of us gets hurt. I'm sorry Kendall. Just forget about me ok?"

I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even think.

"Kendall can you say something?"

How could I say anything? How could I even look at him now after this?

"You broke your promise." I said in barely a whisper. "You told my dad you wouldn't break my heart, well congratulations James, that's exactly what you've done"

My heart was breaking, splitting in two, he was ripping it out and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

"What did you expect Kendall?" He said in a cold hard voice. "I'm James Diamond, I'm popular, I'm a senior, and I'm everything you're not. And besides, you told me last night not to make any more promises, so I'm not breaking anything."

"How can you say that?" I cried, placing my head in my hands.

I felt like we were back outside the cafeteria with Sarah once more, but this time he wasn't joking and he wasn't going to be apologising.

"I hate you." I whispered into my hands.

"No you don't" He said with a cold, hard laugh.

"Yes you're right, I don't" I said with anger and sadness, now raising my head to look at him directly in the eyes. "I hate you because I love you. Why did you even let me believe for a second that you loved me too? But that was always your plan from the beginning wasn't it? My Dad was right, Carlos was right, they were all right, you were just playing with me, I was just your game, and now you've had your fun."

I saw pain flash through his eyes as I said that last part but I continued, not wanting to hear what he would have to say. "I'm so stupid! I was so stupid to give you my heart. I can believe I thought you loved me too; I was so convinced you did. I thought what we had was fate, as you said that first night in bed, us meeting was fate... wasn't it? Ugh fuck you! You should be an actor James because you're the fucking best liar I've ever met, you were so convincing. I think you've shattered all my trust I've ever had for anyone."

As he began to cry again I couldn't help but get angrier, my eyes blurring through hot, hateful tears, "And the worst part about it all is that I still feel like you're lying to me about all this. I knew you were lying when you said what you did to Sarah, so how should now be any different? And why are you crying? You can't honestly let me believe that you feel nothing for me if you're sitting here a broken mess."

"Kendall this is for the best!" He cried, grabbing me by the hand. "Don't you understand? I'm not the one for you! This isn't right, it was never meant to happen. I'm really sorry for letting you believe I loved you too, I should never have said it. Maybe I thought I loved you... but I was wrong. I think I got caught up in the excitement of something new and different. I care about you though Kendall, I'm doing this for you."

"How can you say you care about me? I just don't understand, I'm so confused. Last night was incredible and you even stayed over. And when I fell asleep in your arms and you whispered '_I love you Kendall, and I'm never letting you go'. _That was just a lie? It's been like an hour since I last saw you... You kissed me in the car and told me to have a nice day and that you would see me later, and with one last smile and a kiss we went our separate ways... An hour ago!"

"Yes, that was an hour ago, but things have changed. I think I'm a different person when I'm with you outside of school. But when I'm here I can see straight."

"One of your friends said something didn't they? You can't let them influence you James! I know you're scared about people knowing the truth, but we can do this together. We don't have to do it today, tomorrow or even a month from now, as long as we're together!" I cried through tears, clutching onto both his hands.

"No Kendall! Don't you get it? Even if ten years from now I've come out and everyone knows the truth it's not going to change who I am!"

"What do you mean! Is it because you're older than me? More popular than me? That's not going to be the case in ten years! Who cares if you're older!"

"No Kendall! You're not listening! I don't care if I'm older than you!"

"Then what is it!"

"I'm a horrible person!" He yelled, quickly jumping up and facing the concrete wall, head buried in his hands and hiding from the world as he burst into unstoppable tears.

"What do you mean!" I cried, now standing as he did and standing right behind him.

"Just leave Kendall! Get out!" His muffled voice sounded through his hands.

"No! Not until you tell me what's going on!"

"I can't" He whispered.

"Can you just turn around and face me?" I pleaded, placing my hands on his shoulders and chin close to the crook of his neck.

"I don't want to look at you. Please, please just leave."

"Stop this! Just stop this; I want to talk to you."

He didn't turn, didn't even say a single word, just continued to cry into the wall.

And then I ran. Ran as fast as my legs would carry me. Out of the gym, out of the school, out of James' life.

I was empty, hollow, heart void of any emotion or feeling.

I shouldn't allow myself to love. I don't know why I do. Love ends in heartbreak and sorrow, it always has and it always will. I don't need someone to love me; I need James to love me. I need him to love me like I love him.

But it's all over now, and my heart will never be the same.

"Mum?" I whispered through broken sobs on my cell phone. "I want to live with Dad. I want to move to New York."


	8. Cut

**A/N: Hi there my lovely readers, who I love... :) I'd like to start by saying thanks once again for the reviews, you guys are the best! **

**Now with this chapter, I'm pretty happy with how it came out. I'm sort of taking it in a direction that I don't know if it's the right choice or not.. I won't give anything away but yeah I was writing and it kind of took this turn... So I apologise in advance if people aren't happy about it. I try to please you guys as much as possible so if you're all reviewing being like "Don't do that! That's a terrible plot twist!" Then I won't keep going with it :P Haha. Maybe I should just shut up and let you read..**

**But just quickly, right at the end I've got some song lyrics in italics from a song I'm super digging at the moment, it's called "Cut" by Plumb. You should listen to it, it's really the heart and soul behind this chapter :P **

**And one more thing! Bit of Logan insight in this chapter :) Then back to good old Kdizzle. I'm intentionally staying away from James at the moment, but don't you worry - he will be back! **

**Anyway, read now! :D And I love you. x**

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Cut.**

**Logan P.O.V - Third Person.**

"Are you coming to bed darling?"

"Just a minute Jen" Dr Logan Mitchell smiled at his wife before turning back around on his desk to stare at his computer screen once more.

It was a bright shining photo of him with his step son and daughter, Katie and Kendall Knight. He wouldn't cry at the photo again, he just wouldn't, he has shed too many tears over them these past few months. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday Kendall packed up his whole life in Minnesota and moved out to new York to live with his father, but then more times than not it feels like forever, not a mere 6 months. However these 6 months had proved to be hard on everyone in the Knight-Mitchell family, especially Logan. His emotions varied from day to day on how he feels about the whole situation. Sometimes he's purely sad, missing his step son like any normal father would, but at other times he is furious; furious with James Diamond. Kendall had said barely a word through the whole ordeal, but Logan just knew; He knew James was the reason. Logan was furious because he trusted James with Kendall's heart, especially after that talk they had on the couch only the day before Kendall had turned away from life. Logan just couldn't believe James would break Kendall's heart, not after he had clutched onto Logan's shirt with tear stained cheeks, words almost incoherent as he confessed how much he loved Kendall and would do anything for his forgiveness.

Logan thought they were finally at peace and Kendall had given James the forgiveness he so desperately craved. That night the two had barely left Kendall's bedroom, only emerging for food, water and to let Logan and Jen know James would be say the night, a fact to which Logan merely smiled; happy his son was happy. But what happened then? That's what Logan couldn't figure out. James seemed to be done with the games, with the lies and with the hiding, what had changed in less than 24 hours? Kendall hadn't revealed any information as to what had happened, in fact Logan actually worried Kendall had become catatonic. He wouldn't leave his room, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep and he barely spoke one word. At first he cried, but eventually it got to the point where he was just... empty. It absolutely broke Logan's heart and sent Kendall's mother into a nervous wreck. Jen didn't know what was wrong and it killed her to see her son in such pain and there was nothing she could say or do. Logan knew though, he didn't need Kendall to tell him it was James.

Logan had tried to get into contact with James, on many occasions. At first it was straight away, demanding explanation and if anything at least trying to get James to talk to Kendall before he left for New York. But there was only so much Logan could do, James didn't want to be contacted. He even tried to us James' broken rib as an excuse, but his mother Brooke Diamond had contacted the surgery, asking for James' x-rays to be forwarded onto a different doctor.

When Logan and Jen took Kendall to the airport Logan was secretly hoping, silently praying, that James would appear, like some kind of knight in shining armour, to sweep Kendall off his feet and bring him home where he belongs; but he never came.

With one tiny tear silently falling down his cheek Logan sighs and turns off his computer for the night, Kendall's once smiling, happy face saying goodnight.

Logan just wishes Kendall is happier in New York and he is moving on from the pain James has caused... but he's not hopeful that this is the reality.

* * *

**Kendall P.O.V**

"Kendall! Wake up! Please big brother!"

My eyes flew open to reveal my sister Katie, shaking my shoulders as hard as she could with face full of concern and sadness. For a second I was confused, why was she here? Wasn't I just with James? The last thing I remembered was his cold, hard face standing over me, his fists red from the blood of my cheeks and nose where he had placed so many punches.

"_I hate you" He had growled, kicking me in the side of my stomach whilst I whimpered. "I never loved you."_

"Kendall it was just a dream" Katie stressed, throwing her arms around my body and trying to calm me down.

"A dream, a dream, a dream" I muttered, letting her hug me as I bowed my head and started to rock back and forth. A dream... but it felt so real. The look in his eyes when he said "_I never loved you"_... It was real.

Surely this is the wrong way round, shouldn't the 16 year old big brother be comforting his 10 year old sister from nightmares?

"It's James isn't it?" She whispered into my shoulder and I merely nodded through silent tears.

I hadn't exactly told her the complete intimate details of why I moved to New York or who James really was, but she gathered enough pieces of the puzzle to form a picture.

"I wish you would just forget about him." She sighed.

"I can't Katie" I sobbed.

"Kendall, I don't really know who James is, or what he did to you, but he's not worth it."

She was right, he wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth a single damn tear but I couldn't help it. Every time I felt my heart slowly beginning to mend something would remind me of him. Talking to anyone from home... watching hockey... seeing someone in a high school varsity jacket... even when I saw an ad on TV for that Cuda Man spray he smelled like... he was everywhere I looked.

"Mum and Logan called whilst you were still asleep; I said you'd call them back..." She said hesitantly after she guessed I had calmed down slightly.

"Ok" I sighed as she got up to leave. "And Katie, thanks."

"No worries big bro... please get better soon." She said with a sad smile before leaving the room.

With a slight groan I rolled out of bed and walked over to the window of my room, opening the curtains to reveal a very bright, busy Saturday morning in Manhattan below me. Living with my Dad in New York was very different from living in Minnesota; for one thing it was a lot bigger; easier to go un-noticed...

I missed Minnesota, a lot. I missed my Mum, I missed Logan, I missed Carlos and my friends, I missed being captain of the team, I missed the snow on the sidewalk, I missed how slow everything moved; everyone in New York was in such a rush. And most importantly, I missed... him.

"No" I groaned, turning from my window and walking to the bathroom that connected to my room.

As I stared into the mirror I hated what I saw. Sad... lonely... depressed... empty... nothing. James had turned me into a shadow of my former self. I thought moving to New York would help me, make me forget him and move on – but I think in a way it made things worse... I was running away. I had admitted defeat so easily, unable to face life any longer, and I hated being a coward.

6 months... It had been 6 months since I had last seen him but it was still so raw. Why did I have to give him my heart? When deep down I knew from the beginning he was just going to crush it. That's always been my problem, I barely knew him and yet I was so willing to give him everything I was; I fell under his spell. It made me so angry, I wish I hadn't had fallen for him so hard in such a short amount of time.

It was my entire fault, why can't I do anything right? This was too much, too hard.

I felt myself crumble to the bathroom floor, clutching my chest tightly to my knees; too tight. I began to feel that crushing pain I'd become so used to, that inability to breath.

"Please please please" I moaned. "Please let it stop."

I knew I was begging to no one, but maybe someone would hear me. I needed to regain control before I completely lost my mind. I released my chest and stared at my trembling hands. Those hands tentatively began to clutch the opposite wrists, and that's when the nails on those hands, like daggers in the night, pierced those writs, until dots of red began to trickle down onto the floor, like paint falling on a clear, white canvas. The deeper I dug the better I began to feel, the closer I felt to reality. When that reality became clearer I realised what I had done to myself.

I jumped up from the floor and frantically tried to clean up any evidence of what had just taken place.

* * *

"Hi Mum, how are you?" I asked over the phone as I collapsed on my bed and hoping my voice showed no sign of my previous insanity.

"_Kendall! It's so good to hear your voice."_

"It's been like a week Mum" I sighed.

"_I know, I just miss you so much that's all."_

"I know, and I miss you too."

"_Then come home! Oh please come home Kendall."_

I groaned slightly and let my head fall back against the headboard. My mother and I had this argument at least once a week; I don't know why she bothered.

"Please not this again Mum. I'm happy in New York."

"_I wish you'd tell me why you left in the first place..."_

"Mum!" I said, no longer trying to hide my displeasure as to where this conversation was heading.

"_I'm sorry; I just love you, ok? Anyway, how's Peter?"_

"Dad's fine. I think he's at work at the moment?"

"_Typical" _My mum scoffed over the phone.

She'd never approved of his heavy work load, criticising that it took too much time away from the important things in life, like his family. In fairness, he didn't work that much, not more than I was used to with my parents back home. I don't know exactly what it is he does specifically, all I know is he puts on a suit and tie and works in a large building, bosses a lot of people around and makes enough money to afford an apartment on Central Park West and I knew that he absolutely loved his job. When he had first moved away when I was 12 I thought he was a bastard for leaving and especially when Katie moved with him, I thought he would just forget about her and she would be left alone in his big apartment day in, day out – but I was wrong. Especially living here now too, I could see how much he loved both of us and really did try his best to be a good father.

"_Anyway honey, I love you" _I hadn't noticed her rambling. _"I'll pass you on to Logan."_

"Thanks Mum, I love you too."

"_Hi Kendall" _Said Logan on the phone line.

"Hi Logan" I smiled. I wanted to call him Dad, but it felt weird now that I was living with my real Dad...

"_How are you?" _

"I'm fine" I lied.

"_Are you sure?"_

"Yes, I'm sure" I sighed, looking down at my scratched writs and cringing slightly.

"_You don't sound fine. You sound sadder than normal... if that's even possible."_

"I've... I've been having nightmares."

"_What sort of nightmares?"_

"Where... where _he _says he doesn't love me and that he hates me... and last night he was beating me up..."

"_Kendall" _He said slowly, voice straining in pain. _"Kendall I'm incredibly worried about you. I'm glad you're coming home for Thanksgiving in a few days."_

Crap. I'd completely forgotten about Thanksgiving, it was going to be the first time I'd gone home since I left, and it terrified me. But I had to admit I was excited to see Carlos, I'd missed him. I hadn't really made any friends at the school I now went to in NYC, not that I couldn't, it was more a factor of not really being bothered in opening up to anyone; I just wanted to be alone.

"Yeah Thanksgiving... great." I muttered.

"_It will be good for you to come home for a bit Kendall. I don't think New York is helping you." _

"Being away from _him _is helping me."

"_No, I don't think it is Kendall. I think you're never going to get over this until you make some sort of piece with him. I think if you just saw him once last time –"_

"No!" I said suddenly, "I don't want to see him."

"_Carlos came over to the house recently, just to catch up and –"_

"You mean come over and gossip about me, but yes continue"

"_Kendall..." _He sighed before he continued. _"He came over and he said he's watched James a bit at school, and the boy is just a wreck Kendall. To others he looks completely fine, but Carlos can see him when he thinks no one is watching, and apparently it's heartbreaking."_

"I have to go Logan." I said quickly, feeling as if that crushing weight were returning to my chest.

"_Kendall..."_

"It was good talking to you"

"_Kendall..."_

"And I'll see you in a few days. Bye."

There was a noticeable pause and sigh before he spoke again, _"Bye Kendall, I'll see you at the airport on Monday."_

As I pressed end on the phone and flung it across my bed I couldn't help but start to feel slightly nauseous once more, and my chest beginning to heave and shudder, making breathing a taxing task.

He didn't miss me, he didn't love me. Carlos was wrong, he was lying. Why would James miss me?

I stared down at the mess that was my wrists, feeling guilty I had done something so horrible to myself. And yet... It made it feel better. It took away the pain of my heart if only for a second...

If only for a short second I can take that pain away from what he has done to me. In a second I can breath, I can think, my head and heart are clear and I am free.

_I do not want to be afraid.  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in.  
I'm tired of feeling so numb.  
Relief exists I find it when... I am cut._

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**So... What do you think? Review?**

**Also, I'm sorry if these past few chapters have been a bit slow, we're only just getting to the good stuff! And I miss James :( **


	9. Hello

**A/N: Wow this is a crazy chapter! It was written in so many different segments over the past few days, because even when I'm not home on my computer I can write on my phone, so last night for example I was just out at a pub with my friends and whilst they were chatting I was writing FanFic hahaha I'm so cool... **

**This chapter also wasn't meant to be so long, but there was just a lot I wanted to get out of the way in this and it turned into a mega chapter - but I really hope you like it! Also, same thing I said last chapter, or maybe the one before? I'm using a lot of dialogue and not going into the backgroup a lot, especially in this chapter when it's "No one's P.O.V" because a lot of the emotions and feelings behind the things being said I'm really building up for when a certain blonde and brunette are reunited once more... ;)**

**Anyway, please enjoy this next chapter! And I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I enjoy writing it :)**

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Hello.**

**Carlos P.O.V**

"I'm so excited to see Kendall!"

"I know Camille, me too, its awesome" I smiled at one of my best friends Camille Roberts from across the lunch table.

"Maybe once he gets here we can just persuade him to not go back" My other friend Jo Taylor joked, but a clear hint of truth behind her words.

"I wish" I sighed, looking down at my food and suddenly not being interested in anything the plate had to offer; not even corndogs... I must be sick or something.

I knew why I was feeling sick though, it was the fact I was going to see Kendall soon. I'm excited to see him, don't get me wrong, but I'm nervous. It's not that we left on bad terms; any argument we had been having was instantly forgotten and replaced with sadness and stress. I was so mad, mad at James because I just knew he was the reason. Kendall wouldn't talk to me, he completely closed himself off, but you didn't have to be a genius (something I certainly am not) to figure out what the situation was. I'm nervous because he always sounds so broken and so sad on the phone whenever we talk, and I'm worried seeing him will just be too much for me to handle. I don't like seeing anyone hurt, so especially when that someone is my best friend... I just don't know what I'll do or say to him.

"So when is Kendall coming exactly?" Camille asked.

"Logan and his Mum are picking him up from the airport this afternoon and-"

I was immediately cut off from my sentence by the sound of a large crash right behind me. I turned quickly to see the sound had been made by someone dropping their lunch tray, juice, fruit and fries scattered all over the floor and to see none other than James Diamond staring at me with pale faced horror.

"Dude, what the fuck!" His friend Jett Stetson whined, clearly horrified a spot of juice had gone on his shoes.

All the tables in a ten metre radius turned around to stare at the commotion, to which James quickly sat down on the seat next to me to try and avoid everyone's stares.

"Shit" He mumbled.

"Diamond, are you coming?" Jett asked, trying to tip toe around the mess.

"Yep just a second." He said, not turning to face Jett as he sulked away to their main lunch table.

"Hey, it's Carlos right?" James said, offering me a small smile.

I wanted to punch him in the face.

"Yes." I snapped, not wanting to give him any satisfaction.

"Hi James" Camille and Jo chorused with a smile. They weren't particularly fond of him after that whole Sarah, cafeteria episode with Kendall a few months ago, but they couldn't help but blush slightly because; he was James Diamond after all.

"I didn't spill anything on you did I?" James asked.

"No."

"Good. So um... did I hear you say Kendall was coming back this afternoon?" He asked, staring at me with big, sad, hazel eyes.

"Just for Thanksgiving." I muttered, picking at the fries on my tray.

"Oh..." He whispered. "Are you going to see him tonight?"

"Yes, why?"

"Can you um... can you tell him I say hello?"

"Are you serious?" I said, turning to glare at him. "Hello? You want me to say 'Hello'?"

"I don't... I don't..." He choked, bowing his head to conceal what I suspected were tears forming in his eyes. "Can you tell him... Can you... Don't worry about it" He said suddenly, rising from the seat and leaving without another word.

"Um, that was super weird?" Jo muttered, looking between me and Camille with confused eyes.

"I know right? What was with that?" Camille mused, looking over to where James now sat with his usual friends.

"Nothing. He's just an asshole that's all." I grumbled, shoving my tray away and placing my head in my hands.

Camille and Jo continued to chatter but I didn't join their conversation or respond to their questions. I was so furious. How dare he, how dare he break Kendall's heart and drive him half way across the country and then come sit down and ask me to pass on a message. _Hello. _He absolutely broke Kendall's heart and all he has to say is: _hello? _I knew from that very first moment James sat down at our table and introduced himself all those months ago that Kendall was obsessed with him. The way he looked up at James in worship and awe, hanging off his every word like it was gospel truth and then when he confessed to me what was going on it was clear he was completely head over heels, and the worst part was I couldn't make him see what a mistake he was making. That's Kendall's problem, he loves _too _much, devotes himself too much until he has left his soul bare; it's just heartbreak waiting to happen. I wish I had of told him what I thought sooner, not that there was much chance because they had just moved so fast. I think that was another problem, they had moved just way too fast. I think for James is was all just something new and exciting and he got swept up in Kendall's admiration but for Kendall it was different, he fell before he could catch himself. Kendall had told me they had sex that very first night, which is just crazy. Who has sex with someone they barely know? Well I guess a lot of people do, with one night stands and what not but that's not the point. Kendall knew who James was and James didn't know anything about him in return. I imagine for Kendall it was like if suddenly Jessica Alba came to the school and told me she loved me, despite not knowing her as a person there would be absolutely no hesitation in jumping straight into bed with her and giving her my heart, no questions asked. James was like a celebrity... and Kendall just got swept up in that. The worst part was Kendall was so sure James loved him in return. I have no doubt James had feelings for Kendall, but to what magnitude? Surely it couldn't be of the same level... But I do have to admit he looks fucking sad. Like you just want to give him a big hug, but then at the same time not because he's an asshole. After Kendall left for New York and I knew James had found out he had gone, James was like a ghost around school. Sure he still played hockey, won matches as a successful captain, laughed and cheered with his friends... but there was something missing. I don't think other people noticed, to them James probably looked fine, but because I knew what had happened I could just tell; James was a broken man. And yet I still refuse to believe he ever cared for Kendall too much, or at least as much as he should have.

As I stared over at James' table, lost in thought, I couldn't help but notice this slight hostility between James and his best friend Dak Zevon. It was weird that happened after Kendall's departure, Dak sort of just disappeared for a couple of weeks, and no one really knew what was going on. From what I heard on the gossip grapevine when people asked James where Dak had gone James acted as if he couldn't care less, Dak wasn't his concern. Eventually Dak reappeared, claimed it was some out of the blue family holiday to the Bahamas for two weeks that his parents whisked him away on, but I wasn't so convinced. He just seemed... different. It's hard to put my finger on, but it was clear something had happened between Dak and James, and from what I can tell they tolerate each other due to hockey and status quo, but aside from that they want nothing to do with each other. So I guess that makes Dak James' "ex" best friend... All I know is something happened with James and Kendall, and James and Dak that turned everyone involved upside down and I'm going to figure out what it is.

* * *

I watched the 5:00 news on TV impatiently, foot tapping and hand shaking, waiting for my phone to buzz and tell me Kendall was home and I could go over to his house. Any minute now... any minute now... Oh hey look baby pandas at the Minneapolis zoo on TV... any minute now.

_*Beep*_

**Hey Carlos I'm home. Come over!**

Yes! I jumped off the couch and practically ran out of the room.

"Dad! I'm going to Kendall's!" I yelled as I darted out the front door, not waiting to hear a reply.

Unfortunately I had to walk to Kendall's, not that it was too far so especially seeing as I was practically jogging it didn't take me too long.

I rang the door bell a few more times than was probably necessary as I bounded from foot to foot on the porch.

"Carlitos!" Katie Knight squealed as she opened the door, then jumping up into my arms.

"Katie!" I squealed in return, twirling her around a few times.

I loved Katie, she was like the rock of the Knight-Mitchell family and I missed her like crazy when she was away, she was like a little sister to me.

"How are you!" I asked as I set her down on her feet and walked with her inside the house.

"Good! It's great to have my big brother with me in New York."

"Yeah I can imagine" I said with a smile, although secretly wishing Kendall would move back here of course.

"But Carlos, wait." She said in a hushed tone, stopping me before we entered the living room. "I don't know what happened that caused Kendall to move, all I know is there is some James guy and I hate him, but Carlos, Kendall is so sad and sometimes I feel so helpless. So please, please help him?"

"I don't know what happened to him either Katie, but I promise you I will find out and I will help him."

"Thanks Carlos" she smiled "and just to warn you, he looks like really sad, just all the time, so yeah don't get shocked when you see him"

Despite her warning there seemed to be nothing that could have prepared me for what I saw. As I walked into the lounge room I saw Kendall sitting on the large leather couch, offering me a smile that didn't reach his dead, lifeless eyes. It took all the power I had not to go and find James Diamond right then and there and kill him, because as I looked at Kendall all I could think was "_What the fuck did you do James?' _

He almost looked worse than from when I last saw him in March... If that's even possible. I thought New York was supposed to be helping him? But clearly it hadn't been doing the job.

"Kendall" I said with a masked glee, running at him from across the room and pouncing on the couch like a tiger.

"I missed you too" he laughed, pulling me in for a hug that lasted just that little bit too long, almost too tight as if he were trying to say _"help me Carlos, please help me."_

"How have you been?" I asked finally, sitting beside him.

"Yeah really good"

_Liar. _

"New York's been amazing"

_Liar. _

"Made lots of friends"

_Liar. _

"And yeah it's just been all round great"

_Liar liar pants on fire. _

"How about you? How's everything been here?"

"Yeah it's good, although not the same without you obviously" I said with a sad smile. "Hockey is going great; we just won our game on the weekend against East High Kings."

"No way! That's awesome."

"Yeah and the senior team won the state qualifiers for the championships against Apollo so..."

I saw the hurt flash through his eyes, the undeniable pain he was bringing upon himself cracking to the surface.

"How are Jo and Camille?" He asked quickly, changing the subject.

"Yeah they're great. They're so excited to catch up." I said quickly, pausing before I said what I next did "So um someone at school today told me to give you a message..."

"Oh. Who?" He asked innocently. Unawares I was Just about to make or break his night.

"It was James" I gulped, fearing to look into his eyes as I felt his body go rigid next to mine. "He overheard me and the girls talking about how you were coming home and he said to say... He said to say '_hello'_"

"Is that it?" He muttered eyes down and closed.

"Yeah... It seemed like there was more but he didn't-"

"Carlos it was great to see you and I'm sorry for making you come round for such a short amount of time, but I'm really tired from the flight so I better get to bed. We will hang out tomorrow ok, after you've finished school."

"Kendall" I sighed, not moving an inch from my spot on the couch.

"Stay if you want to talk to Katie or something but I'm going to bed."

"Kendall..."

"Good night Carlos" he said finally, rising from the chair and leaving the room.

After a good five minutes of trying not to cry I jumped up, unable to stop myself from running up the stairs to his bedroom. But before I could knock on the door I paused, paused because I could hear Kendall on the other side; he was crying. Crying so hard I wondered how he could even be breathing. Nearly all of me wanted to bust down the door and cradle him in my arms, but one small tiny, rational part told me no. I need to let him breathe for tonight, but tomorrow... Tomorrow I'm on him like a hawk.

As I walked down the stairs slowly I decided not to leave straight away, instead heading towards the lounge room again to see if I could find Kendall's parents. I jumped slightly as I heard yelling coming from what I knew was the kitchen and being the insanely curious person that I am I couldn't help but overhear.

"He is moving back here!" I heard Kendall's Mum yell.

"We can't force him Jen!" Logan replied.

"He's not 18! We can make him do whatever we want!"

"But he's living with his other parent, we can't do anything!"

"I don't care! I don't like this Logan; I don't like this one bit. Were both doctors, we both know the signs of depression and it's so clear my baby boy is depressed!" She started to cry then and all I wanted to do was go give her a hug.

"I just don't understand" she sobbed "Were we just that horrible as parents?"

"I don't think it's us Jen"

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know dear"

"I think you do! When I told you Kendall called me in tears and said he was moving to New York it's like you almost knew that was going to happen."

"I didn't know that" Logan said with a large sigh.

The funny thing was he did know the reason. When Kendall came home that day, "catatonic" as Logan had put it, not that I'm too sure what that means... Just that Kendall was like crazy and super depressed, he instantly asked me "What did James do?" I knew I should have been shocked that Logan would know about Kendall and James, but then Kendall tells his step Dad pretty much everything so it didn't surprise me.

"Please fix this Logan" Mrs Knight continued to sob.

"Um excuse me?" I asked hesitantly, rounding the corner to see Kendall's mum almost collapsed in Logan's arms.

"Hi Carlos" Jen smiled at me, pulling away from her husband and wiping her eyes. "Good to see Kendall?" She asked.

"Um yeah, for like a second, he said he had to go to bed" I shrugged.

"He what?" Logan asked angrily. "Why would he be tired? He hasn't seen any of us in 6 months and he just goes to bed?"

"It's fine; he just seemed a bit... upset"

"Of course he did." Jen said with a sad sigh, "Carlos, if you know anything about what happened to Kendall, you have to tell me" she pleaded, moving around the kitchen counter to stand right in front of me with big, green eyes exactly like Kendall's, begging for answers.

"I'm sorry Mrs Mitchell... I don't know. But I promise ill try help him. It's killing me to see him like this" I said sadly, not finding the strength to tell her about James.

"It's killing all of us. But thank you Carlos, you're a good friend" she said as she hugged me tightly. "Maybe we should send him to a therapist?"

"I don't think that would help" I shrugged as I was released from the hug. "He won't open up to anyone, so I doubt a therapist would help."

"You're probably right" she said as I noticed one small tear trickle down the side of her face.

"I'm going to go talk to him" Logan interjected, starting to make his way out of the room.

"Wait!" I said suddenly, getting him to stop. "I went up there to try and talk to him but I heard him... crying. I think he wants to be alone."

"No, he's been away for 6 months; I am not letting him be alone"

I nodded slowly and bowed my head.

"Hey Carlos, thanks for trying" he said with a small smile before turning to leave the room.

"Thanks for coming over Carlos. Please come over after school tomorrow?" Jen asked me.

"I will" I replied, hugging her quickly. "Bye Mrs Mitchell"

"Bye Carlos"

As I walked out of the house I could hear yelling coming from upstairs but decided not to listen, this was between Kendall and his step dad. I just hoped Logan could help Kendall... I missed my best friend and I needed him back.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V**

"Kendall Knight!" Logan yelled, "You open this door right now!"

"Please just go" Kendall groaned through his pillow, it seemed Logan wasn't taking no for an answer though.

"Kendall, I'm not leaving."

"Ugh fine!" Kendall exclaimed, jumping off the bed to open the door, "What?" He spat, rubbing his swollen, crying eyes.

"Don't take that tone with me Kendall" Logan warned, pushing past Kendall and entering his room, taking a seat at the boys school desk that had gone unused for 6 months.

"Sorry" Kendall mumbled, sitting on his bed and bringing his knees close to his chest.

"Kendall, I don't want to yell at you and I don't want to be mad, but I'm just not sure what else I can do now. I've tried to be sympathetic and work this through with you but nothing seems to be working, so maybe if I yell it will get through to you. How could you send Carlos away like that? You haven't seen him in half a year and you just say goodnight? Kendall I am sick off all this. I don't know what James did to you, but it's time to stop beating yourself up about it and move on. And I know what you're going to say_; 'I can't just move on!'_, but Kendall you have to try! You'll never get anything you want from life if you don't try! You're killing yourself of something some boy did and Kendall, he's not worth it! You're only 16 years old; you shouldn't be letting matters of the heart destroy you like this. Kendall, all I want is my son back. The happy, smiling, fun loving son I miss so much."

"He's gone." Kendall said in barely a whisper, looking at Logan with eyes that were close to tears. "James destroyed him."

"No! I am sick of this! James didn't destroy anything; you're still in there Kendall. If anything, can't you just remember the short time you and James were happy? Surely there must be some happy memories in there?"

"Of course there are" Kendall sighed, "Even if it was only a few days it will be some of the happiest days of my life."

"Then remember that Kendall" Logan pleaded, moving across to sit on the bed beside Kendall. "Just remember how much he loved you"

Much to Logan's dismay Kendall began to cry again, head collapsing in his hands. "T-that's why, t-that's why it h-hurts!" Kendall sobbed, "Because he doesn't l-love me a-anymore."

"Can you please just talk to him?" Logan almost begged, placing one hand firmly on Kendall's shoulder. "I think half the reason you're so upset is because you have no closure."

"I don't n-need any closure."

"Kendall can you please tell me what happened? Please?"

Kendall looked at his step Father through tears, hesitating before he spoke. Logan was holding his breath; would Kendall finally tell him the truth?

"You want to know what happened?" Kendall asked.

"Please" Logan whispered.

"I don't know!" Kendall almost yelled, providing Logan with an answer he hadn't exactly expected. "That's why it's so hard! Because I don't even know what I did! We were really happy, remember how he came over and you were comforting him and I was so angry? Well I was quick to forgive him and I thought we were at peace and he told me that night he loved me, like so many times, and that he would never hurt me... Then we went to school the next day and like an hour later he asks to meet me and he's crying and – oh god" Kendall murmured.

It was obvious to Logan that Kendall was in pain from having to relive this all over again but he just had to get him to keep talking.

"What happened next?" Logan prompted, squeezing Kendall's shoulder.

"Well he was scaring me because he was just so upset and I didn't know what to do... Then just out of nowhere he was like "This has been really fun, you're great, sorry if I lead you on, but were over" and I just... I didn't know..." Kendall began to choke up.

"Please keep going"

"And I got to so upset of course, but then angry too. I just couldn't believe he was telling the truth because he was so convincing when he said he l-loved me. Then I told him he shouldn't let school and his friends influence him over who he loves, that it doesn't matter he's older but then he just exploded and yelled that he was a horrible person and told me to just get out and he didn't want to look at me... It was so terrible." Kendall cried, now resting his head on Logan's shoulder.

"So I left, and I just broke down... and I knew the only way to escape would be to go live with my Dad, but that was a horrible mistake. Only because I feel so alone in New York, I've got Katie and my Dad but I have no one else. I thought being away from James and this town would help but it's not, I think I'm getting worse and I'm really scared." Kendall now speaking in barely a whisper.

"What are you scared about?" Logan whispered in return.

"Being a danger to myself"

"What do you mean?"

"There were times, in New York, where it was almost too much... And I thought everyone would just be a lot happier if I were... dead"

"Oh my goodness Kendall" Logan exclaimed, pulling the younger boy in for a bone shattering hug. "Don't you ever say that. Don't you ever even think that for one second. James is just a boy, that's all he is, and there will be other boys, and you just-"

"It's not just James" Kendall interjected, "My eyes have just been opened to a lot of things recently, like who am I? What is my purpose? I'll never be... great, you know? Like Mum's a surgeon, you're a Doctor, Dad's a CEO of... something, and I'm pretty sure Katie is already on her way to owning a company by the time she's my age. I'm just... hopeless. I'll never be good at anything. I'm average at school and I'm average at hockey –"

"Kendall you're amazing at hockey"

"No I'm not. I'm good, but there are other people who are better"

"Kendall, if you always think like that you're never going to achieve anything you want from life. You've got to be the best _you _can be, not what everyone else expects you to be"

"How did everything get so messed up Dad?"

Logan's heart smiled at hearing Kendall call him Dad once more, it gave him hope.

"Kendall, I'm going to be honest with you ok?" Logan sighed.

"O-ok?" Kendall replied nervously.

"You ran away. You should have stood and fought. Where is the Kendall Knight I once knew? Never backing down from a challenge?"

"I don't know where he's gone" Kendall murmured. "I just couldn't stay here Dad, you have to understand that. I couldn't go to school the next day and see James and have my heart being ripped out over and over again..."

"I know Kendall, I know" Logan soothed, beginning to run circles into the small of Kendall's back. "But you have to face him now. You've got to be strong. I'm not asking you to go speak to him or anything, but I think it would do you good if you just saw him... Maybe it would help you realise he's not perfect."

"But he is perfect" Kendall groaned.

"No, he's not. Would he really be so perfect if he broke your heart like he did? If he was as perfect as you think wouldn't he have been completely willing to be with you without shame? Without hiding? To accept himself and you for what you are? If he was so perfect why has he made you depressed?"

"I don't know" Kendall whispered. "But maybe you're right... maybe if I just saw him, it would help"

"I think it would. You know what? Why don't you go to the hockey training tomorrow night and then stay and watch the seniors train? James won't know your there"

"I guess... Yeah I guess that's a good idea"

"Good. I'll let you rest now, thank you so much for talking to me." Logan said softly, leaning back from Kendall to kneel at the side of his bed and hold both his hands firmly before he said, "Kendall Knight, you are a beautiful human being, and don't you dare let anyone believe you are anything less than that. You have family and friends who love you so much and would just be completely and utterly crushed if anything were to ever happen to you. Do you understand?"

"Yes" Kendall sighed, shutting his eyes to prevent any tears from escaping.

"Good night Kendall, I love you, and please don't do anything... rash." Logan said finally, placing one small kiss to Kendall's forehead.

"I love you too Dad" Kendall said with a feeble smile as Logan walked out of the room.

* * *

**Kendall P.O.V**

"Good night Kendal, I love you, and please don't do anything... rash." He said as he placed a soft kiss to my forehead.

"I love you too Dad" I replied, with as much energy as I could muster to squeeze out a smile.

I knew what he meant by "rash". After my startling suicidal thoughts declaration I was surprised he didn't demand to see what lay beneath the sleeves of my plaid shirt. I was glad he didn't, as what he would have seen might be too much for him to cope with...

As I lifted up the sleeves of my shirt and looked at my wrists I couldn't help but release a soft sigh at the fresh scars I had made only this morning before leaving New York.

Cutting... helped. It helped me keep a grip on reality and it helped distract from the pain that crippled my heart.

I knew what I just talked about with my step Dad would make what I did next seem somewhat ironic, but I couldn't help it now as I reached for the razor I had stored in my back pocket.

As I positioned to blade across my wrist all I could think was "_hello"... all he had to say was "hello"..._

I winced slightly as the blade broke the skin, but soon revelled in the feel of blood trickling slowly down my arm.

_Hello... All he had to say was hello..._

James Diamond really _is _going to be the death of me.

* * *

**Love it? Hate it? Review it? x**


	10. Bleeding Love

**A/N: Hi again! :) Sometimes I wonder if I should leave it a few days before I update... but I just love writing this so much and I don't want to leave you hanging! :) Therefore all my other fics are on hiatus right now...**

**I really have to give a big thanks to FavUYA for noticing my awkward mistake on the last chapter - I completely forgot that the American school year actually ends in June? I think it's June... but anyway FavUYA pointed out that if James were a senior and the last chapter was set just before Thanksgiving then James would have graduated and be going to college by now... Oops! :P So yes being from Australia, where the school year ends in November/December and we go back the next Feburary, I am implying that James would be graduating and finishing High School at the end of the year :) Get me? haha. So yeah in American summer they would just have "mid year break" like we do in Aus :) So I hope that is all cleared up! Also the reason Kendall is back for break and Carlos and James are still at school is because Kendalls NYC school is cool and finished earlier... haha.**

**Now onto this chapter! James and Kendall are reunited; FINALLY! What will Kendall say? What will James say? Will James be happy to see Kendall? Will Kendall forgive James? Read on and find out! :D**

**Disclaimer: Title and italics at the beginning are from the song Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. It's a good song... Don't judge me.**

* * *

**Chapter 10 - Bleeding Love**

_But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you_  
_They try to pull me away _  
_but they don't know the truth_  
_My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on __closing  
You cut me open._

**Kendall P.O.V **

I was tired, so tired. All I wanted to do was go home and collapse in bed, shutting myself off from the world; something I had become intimately familiar with. It had been a long day, my Mum and step Dad deciding it was necessary to both take some time off work and treat me like I was some China doll that was going to crack at any second and I was sick of it. How many times did I have to say I was fine? The thing was though; they're smart and can see through my lies.

I was almost glad to be released from their clutches and go to the school ice rink, but once I got there I was no longer glad. _Everyone _wanted to chat, "Oh my god Kendall how have you been?" "What's living in New York like?" "Are you playing hockey over there?" But possibly the worst question was; "Why did you move?"

That was a hard one to answer, but I already had a pre rehearsed answer that rolled off my tongue so easily now; "I just wanted to spend some time with my Dad, I never see him"

People ate that answer up with no qualms, for you see; no one really cares. If they wanted to they could see through my wall I had placed up around myself and the undeniable hurt in my eyes, but they didn't because they didn't care, which is fine because I don't care about me either.

"Kendall throw some skates on and join us!" An old friend from the team and now captain Mitch Brown exclaimed excitedly as he twirled around me on the ice with a large smile.

I wanted that, I wanted the feeling of being on the ice without a care in the world and a big smile on my face.

"Sure, why not" I replied with a smile that was actually sort of, like... real... wow.

Once I'd put on a pair of Carlos' old skates and some basic hockey gear I flew out onto the ice and felt... whole. I'd missed this and I didn't realise just how much. But as I skated around now with a slight breeze coursing through my blonde hair I couldn't help but begin to _feel _again.

I threw myself into training with the team, taking on the immediate captaincy role once more, which no one complained about. As I lost myself in the feel of the ice beneath my skates and the control I felt when shooting the puck right through the centre of the goals with much skill I began to forget about my troubles, and began to really wonder that maybe there is more to life than... James. Who was he anyway? He might take away my heart but he will never take hockey from me.

"All right, move off juniors, time for some real hockey to be played." I heard a voice call to my left, causing me to skid to a stop and taking off my helmet to stare at the senior team now making their way onto the ice.

And that's when I saw him.

Hockey stick in one hand, helmet in the other and looking more beautiful than what I could have possibly remembered. His brunette hair slightly longer, with honey tones from the sun running through it subtly and hazel eyes so stunning I felt as if I were falling in love with him all over again... Or maybe my heart was breaking all over again. He was frozen, like the ice beneath our feet, and staring at me with what could only be pure horror mixed with heart breaking sadness. I too felt frozen; my brain told me to move, screaming at me _"This wasn't the plan! He wasn't meant to see you!"_ But I just couldn't move, instead I just stood and stared straight on back.

"Oh hey, it's Knight!" Jett Stetson bellowed to his teammates, skating up to me and getting right up in my face. "Hey James!" He called, "Your lover boy is back!"

I wasn't even focusing on what Jett was saying, my eyes were just staring into James' and a million emotions were running through my head.

Sadness. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Loss. _Love._

There were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to yell at him. Cry at him. Punch him. _Kiss him. _

But what would I choose...

"Anyway, shove off Knight, your play time is over." Jett grunted when he realised he wasn't getting a reaction out of me.

"No, wait" James called, the sound of his voice piercing my heart. "Why don't we train with the juniors for a bit?" He said, skating up to stand in front of Jett and I.

My heart was racing... "_Freaking out" _would be an understatement for how I was feeling. Here James was, in the flesh. This wasn't a dream... this wasn't a nightmare... this wasn't an imagination like the ones I had been having for the past 6 months... this was real.

"Ha why?" Jett scoffed.

"Because the junior team is actually good, and we can practice properly if we can play a game with the right numbers and besides, I'm captain so what I say goes."

"Whatever" Jett grunted, turning to skate away.

"Hey, Brown!" James called, turning quickly on his heel to my team who were now exiting the rink.

Mitch skated over to us quickly, looking up at James like he was a God. I recognised that look... I'd been so pathetic.

"Yes, J-James?"

"Get your team back on the ice, were going to have a match, it will be good training for both of us" He commanded.

"Sure!" He squeaked, sprinting over to my ex team and calling them back over before they had time to take their skates off.

When James turned back around to face me there was just us, no distractions, no one else, we were alone and all the walls were suddenly crumbling down. Neither of us could talk, lost for words, yet there were so many things that needed to be said. One thing did come to mind though, and it seemed...appropriate.

"_Hello" _I choked out, trying to sound strong but unable to keep the pain and nerves out of my voice.

"H-hi" He replied in a whisper. "Kendall..."

I stared at him expectantly, heart breaking slowly as he said my name. My instinct reaction was to cry, but I wouldn't (at least not yet), I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how strongly he had affected me. Although maybe he should know, maybe he should know about the blood that bleeds from not only my wrists but also my heart – all because of him.

"Kendall" He said again, moving so close to me we were now touching distance apart, and boy, I really wanted to touch him. But with my fist or my lips... I couldn't decide.

We were in our private bubble now, and it was so intense I wondered if there was any oxygen in this bubble, because I sure as hell couldn't breathe. We could have been standing there for only a few seconds, or minutes, or hours but I didn't notice, all that mattered in this moment were his eyes, his lips, his slightly red cheeks, his soft hair – all that mattered, was him.

He parted his lips, as if he were going to speak but the words didn't reach his mouth and he just stood there, tongue tied. I wanted so badly to reach out and cup his cheek in my hand, lean forward ever so slowly and then bring my lips down on his...

_No. Kendall no, have you forgotten what he did to you?_

Yes, yes that's right. I must listen to that voice inside my head. But if I was meant to be listening to the voice, why my heart telling me otherwise?

"Kendall" He started again, "There are so many things I want to say... But I just... I can't find the right words"

As one tear escaped the corner of his eye my heart began to scream at me. My hand twitched by my side, begging to reach out and just wipe the tear away.

I opened my mouth to talk, words on the tip of tongue that so desperately needed to be said, "James, I've spent the past 6 months –"

"HEY!" Someone yelled from right beside me, cutting my sentence off – it was none other than Dak Zevon.

"Diamond, if you're finished having your little lovers reunion with your toy boy here, we'd like to train" Dak spat, resentment absolutely dripping from his tongue.

I didn't fail to notice the slight growl that escaped James' lips as he finally pulled his eyes away from mine. "Back off Zevon"

"Look James, we all know you two want to start fucking again after being apart for so long, but can you maybe do it later?"

"I said, Back. Off" James grunted again, dropping his helmet and hockey stick to the ice floor to shove Dak backwards.

I was fairly sure everyone was watching us now, and I hated that, I hated having eyes on me.

"Oh, oh!" Dak laughed, regaining his balance. "You wanna go Diamond?"

"Just fuck off Dak and leave Kendall alone" James growled, fists balling as he stood defensively in front of me.

Was James defending me? Shouldn't he be joining Dak in the insults against me?

"So you're protecting him now? Well that's interesting... hey Kendall?" Dak said loudly, looking past James' shoulders to look me dead in the eye. "Do you think James loves you? Do you think he has missed you this whole time you've been away? Did you ever wonder why he drove you away in the first place? Did he tell you what _really _happened? Because if you've got a spare minute I would absolutely _love _to fill you in on everything that happened that Thursday morning and -"

Whatever Dak was about to say was cut short by James hurling his body at Dak's sending the two crashing to the ice. Which was a shame because I _really _wanted to know what Dak had to say; but for now that would have to be stored at the back of my mind as James was now pummelling Dak into the ice.

Some other guys stepped in then, from both teams, trying to pull the animalistic, rage filled James off a defenceless Dak but nothing could stop James though, he was a man possessed and if someone didn't stop him now I had no doubt he would actually try and kill Dak – I had to get in there and try stop him, maybe he would listen to me.

"James!" I screamed, throwing my arms around his waist and trying to drag him off Dak, "James! Stop this!"

"Get off me Kendall" He grunted, breaking out of my grip to place some more punches to Daks already swollen face.

"JAMES!" I yelled again, using every bit of strength I had to completely pull him off Dak.

"No Kendall, no!" He cried, thrashing against my hold on his waist. "You don't understand!"

"I don't give a shit what he says! James you have to calm down!" I tried to soothe.

"You should listen to him Diamond" Dak groaned as he started to sit up slowly, "Listen to your precious little Kendall"

James managed to break free of my death hold and lunged himself at Dak once more, not holding back as he began to beat him senseless and now no matter how I tried I just couldn't stop pull him off again.

"DIAMOND! ZEVON! KNIGHT!" I heard someone scream into my ear, before I felt strong arms around my waist, pulling me off James.

I think it was Carlos, but I wasn't sure, all I saw was the coach of the senior hockey team, Coach Skinner, with the assistance of nearly the whole team, pull James and Dak off one another. Once they were finally separated and about five boys having to hold James back, Coach Skinner was absolutely fuming as he looked back and forth between both boys.

"DIAMOND! ZEVON! THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE! RIGHT NOW!" He bellowed, "AND YOU TOO KNIGHT!"

* * *

"Never, never in all my years as coach of the hockey team and a teacher at this school have I ever seen something so disgusting!" Coach Skinner yelled, pacing back and forth in front of Dak, James and I looking down on us in our seats, whilst Principal Collins sat in her chair behind the desk, not saying a word.

"Diamond you were COMPLETEY out of order!" Skinner said, staring at James right in the eye.

"And you!" Now diverting his attention to Dak, "You're not the complete victim in this so don't try and wiggle yourself out of punishment!"

"And last but not least, Knight!" he exclaimed loudly, turning to face me, "You are not even a pupil at this school anymore and yet somehow you manage to get involved!"

Coach Skinner took a second to compose himself before continuing to yell, "Now, if it were up to me I would suspend you, Zevon and I might go as far as expelling you Diamond!"

"But Coach I-" James started to argue before he was cut off by Principal Green.

"Enough!" Miss Collins said, ushering Coach Skinner to take the seat that was next to her hardwood desk.

"No one is getting expelled." She began, "But that doesn't mean I am not extremely, _extremely _disappointed in what has taken place this afternoon. What I fail to understand is why this happened in the first place. Mr Zevon and Mr Diamond you are both excellent students and have never had a spot on your records and from what I gathered; I thought you two were best friends?"

"Hardly" Dak scoffed, shooting James a menacing glare.

"Anyway, social matters don't concern me, but what I do want to know is why two of my best students and hockey players are suddenly trying to kill each other on my campus?"

"He provoked me Miss" James grunted.

"You know Mr Diamond, when you're an adult you don't punch everyone who provokes you in life" Miss Collins said, looking at James over the rims of her glasses.

"I know, I'm sorry Miss, I just don't know what came over me" James said as he bowed his head.

"And now, Mr Knight" Miss Collins said, looking at me sternly. "As Coach Skinner said, you are not even a pupil at my school anymore; you filled for transfer to Marymount School in New York last March due to "personal issues" and that was the last I heard of you. Are you returning to my school after Thanksgiving break? Or was this just a personal visit where you were placed in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

I looked over at James to see him staring at me expectantly, but what answer would he want to hear? What answer did I want to say? Did I want to return to my life in Minnesota? Did _James _want me to return to my life in Minnesota?

"I-i'm not sure Miss, it depends on how I feel after being here for the break, and New York isn't exactly... working out for me."

"Well we would be happy to have you back Mr Knight, but _not _if you are going to find yourself in situations such as this one, do I make myself clear? "

"Yes Miss"

"Good. Now, I am going to speak to Coach Skinner and a few of the other boys down at the ice rink where they were told to stay, to get a better understanding of what has happened here. You are _not _to leave this room until I return, and I swear to God if you fight again I will have no hesitation in expelling you Mr Zevon and Mr Diamond and not re-admitting you into this school Mr Knight – do you understand?"

"Yes Miss" We chorused as she turned on her heel to leave the room.

The door had barely clicked shut before Dak turned on James, "Good going Diamond!" He exclaimed. "You could have killed me!"

"Oh please!" James spat, "Shut up and take it like a man."

"Oh James, you _know _I take it like a man"

The condescending tone of Daks voice was hard to miss, but I didn't really understand what he getting at exactly.

"I have no hesitation in getting expelled Dak" James growled.

"Oh I think you do. Can you imagine what your parents would say if you got expelled? What your father would say? Oh no no no James you're not leaving this school, especially not right before you graduate, and don't you think getting expelled might harm your chances of getting into Princeton? Yes, I think it would" Dak smirked.

Wow, I didn't know James had wanted to go to Princeton, just another thing I didn't know about him...

I could tell all James wanted to do was smash Dak in the face again but he knew Dak was right; he wouldn't be hitting anyone for the rest of the year.

"Please, just shut up until Miss Collins gets back"

"But, I never got to finish what I had to say back on the ice" He grinned; now turning to face me completely.

Even though I kind of wanted to punch him too I couldn't deny that I was actually generally intrigued in what he had to say. I had been killing myself for 6 months over why James had ended things, and if Dak had the answers... then yeah I really wanted to listen to what he had to say.

"Please, Dak, don't" James almost begged.

"Kendall, would you like to hear? Would you like to hear why James ended things the way he did? Because I know" Dak smirked.

I looked to James, only to see his hazel eyes boring into mine, almost begging me not to listen to what Dak had to say – but instead I nodded.

"Well it's a brilliant tale" He began, "Are you ready to hear it? Are you ready to hear what James did that caused your heart to shatter into a million pieces?"

I was ready; I just hoped I could handle it.

* * *

**:O What's going to happen next!**


	11. Don't Forget Me

**A/N: Back so soon! Yes I like updating fast :) And also because I always leave you guys with cliffhangers and I don't want to leave you hanging for too long ;)**

**I really don't like this chapter, not because it's not good or whatever, but because I couldn't stop crying towards the end. So it got to the point where I couldn't even proof read because I was too sad - so just a warning. **

**Despite that, I hope you like it and tell me what you think, because reviews make me so happy I just want to cry (with happiness!).**

**So on we go with the story... x**

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**Chapter 11 - Don't Forget Me.**

**Kendall's P.O.V**

I held my breath.

James bowed his head.

And Dak continued to smirk.

"So... where should I start?" Dak began, "Well I guess I'll start from Wednesday."

"Wednesday?" I interrupted, "You mean when Sarah and James broke up outside the cafeteria?"

"Yes yes and James was rude to you" Dak said flippantly, "But it was before that, in the morning. I saw you Kendall, wearing James' varsity jacket and I knew straight away something was up. So when I saw James with Sarah before first period I called him out on it instantly and you should have seen his face, it was priceless – his face gave everything away. Of course he denied it, gave me some story about how you must have taken the wrong one in the locker rooms or something, but I pushed him to see how far he would go. And Knight, I started saying some very _suggestive _things and saw his eyes light up with lust and want... for me."

"That's not-" James started to protest but Dak held up a hand to silence him.

"No interrupting my tale." Dak shushed. "Now where was I... oh yes! So I'd already laid my groundwork for destruction, with Sarah doubting their relationship and in fact James' sexuality so all I needed was a spark."

"You fucking asshole" Said James menacingly, glaring at Dak like he hoped if he glared enough Dak would just burst into flames.

"You're so moody, it's pissing me off" Said Dak as he rolled his eyes. "Kendall wants to hear this story so, just let me tell it ok?"

"Kendall, please" James said as he turned to face me. "Please, don't listen to him, he's going to twist it and make it sound all wrong. I should be the one to tell you, please just don't listen and I will tell you later, there are so many things that need to be said, please Kendall" He begged, tears beginning to form in his hazel eyes.

"_I don't owe you anything anymore. How dare you try and plead with me after everything you've done, and besides, all you do is lie. How do I know that what you will tell me will all be a bunch of lies?" _Is what I _wanted _to say, but instead?

"Dak, please continue" I said with a dead, lifeless voice; not even looking James in the eye.

"Thank you, Kendall" Dak grinned. "So you two provided me with all the spark I needed, there was absolutely no way you didn't even know each other when you got all cosy at Kendall's lunch table and then when you left the cafeteria, both grinning and almost bounding like two kids who were getting a new toy, all my suspicions were confirmed. At first I didn't know how to feel about it, was I hurt that my best friend didn't confide in me with this secret? Did I now resent him for being with someone of the same sex? Or was I... jealous?"

"Jealous?" I said, in almost a whisper and completely confused. Why on earth would someone like Dak Zevon be jealous of me?

"Yes, I was jealous. Why would he want _you? _I mean no offence Knight, you're pretty attractive or whatever, but you're no me... and I don't just mean looks wise. I was James' _best friend, _I knew everything about him, and we'd shared things so personal over the years that I've never felt closer to someone in my life. I know his likes, his dislikes, his dreams, his loves, his ambitions; everything. So the question I wanted answered was: Why you? What made you so special? When I'd been there for so long... in love with him."

Dak... loved... James? Someone slap me, because I must be dreaming.

"You... You love James?" I stuttered.

"Yes Kendall, I love James. I've loved him since we've first met really." Dak said with actual sincerity and a small smile.

"You don't love me" James snapped, breaking me out of my train of thought. "If you really loved me you wouldn't be doing any of this."

So James knew Dak loved him? How much had I missed out on?

"Yes I do! James you know what I said to you when – wait, I'm getting ahead of myself in the story, my apologies Kendall". Dak placed his arrogant, cocky wall back up, which was a shame because the real side to him is what I really wanted to see.

"Right so there I was, in an emotional pickle. Because on the one hand I wanted to be happy for my friend and let it slide but then I just couldn't shake the feeling that you were just a toy for James, helping him discover his true sexuality and once he got you out of his system he had to know that I was there."

I couldn't help but notice the way James was now gripping the arms of his chair so tightly I thought the wood might break. And me? Well if what Dak just said wasn't a stab in the heart then I didn't know what was. I knew it, I knew it all along. All I was to James was a toy to play with until he got bored... Great.

"But then James kind of helped me with my decision. When you two returned from your little lovers getaway at lunch and James made his way back over to the table Sarah was absolutely fuming, because seriously guys; you weren't exactly subtle. Then Sarah began to bitch James out hard, and he took her outside but then things only got worse with all the yelling and screaming, and then who should show up to watch the commotion? You, Kendall. Then of course you were there for what happened next, and like everyone else watching I gasped when James said what he did to you. How could he be so cruel? When James was supposedly meant to love you? I have to admit to you though Kendall, I was quietly happy, because I thought maybe James was telling the truth, and even if he weren't, there was _no way _you could possible forgive him, no one is that much of a doormat."

I felt tears begin to sting my eyes and turned away from Dak and James so they wouldn't see. Dak was so right; I'd been such a doormat. I had let James walk all over me and I had been such an idiot.

"Dak, stop this." James warned in a low voice.

"No." I said suddenly, turning back around and wiping the tears from my eyes. "I want to hear what happened, I have to know."

"Of course you do." Dak smiled, "And the story is only really getting started now."

"I can't stay for this" James said all of a sudden as he rose from his chair.

"Wait" I said, grabbing his hand but quickly removing it. I felt like my hand had just been burnt on naked flame and electricity were coursing through my veins, it took my breath away and it seemed he was feeling the same. "W-wait James. I want you to stay"

"R-really?" He asked, eyes full of hope.

"Yes, because I want you here when he tells me why you broke my heart."

I felt like I'd just kicked a puppy, and James looked like exactly that. But he sat back down anyway.

"Anyway" Dak groaned, making me jump slightly. I'd actually forgotten for a split second he was even in the room. "When I saw him the next morning I was kind of excited... and nervous. I'd spent all night tossing and turning over what I would say, how I would declare my love. So I decided to just jump straight in there, not holding back with how I knew about the two of you, and _finally _he admitted it! Well, not after punching me in the face first but whatever. So there we were, in the bathroom and I remember I said something along the lines of "_Too bad you're over now", _to which he was shocked by, saying "_why would we be over?" _and that's when I couldn't help but laugh, I couldn't believe you had forgiven him! So I told James just how tight you had been on his leash. And then, well then it was to time to make my move – and that's when the story gets... interesting."

"If you're going to fucking say it then just fucking say it, don't draw it out!" James yelled impatiently, with his leg tapping quickly and wringing his hands in his lap.

"Settle down Diamond geez! Alright Kendall I'll say it fast, get it over and done with like James here wishes me too. I came onto him, came on pretty strong too, suggesting that it were only natural for the two of us to get together. Then I had his backed up against the wall, and I was just so close... So I asked "_Can I try something?" _and then it seemed almost silly that I had been fretting over whether or not James would reject me, because Kendall? He was on me with a hungry passion before I even had a chance to blink."

Dak then proceeded to tell me every tiny intimate detail of what had happened between the two of them in that bathroom. The way James ground his hips against Dak, the way he moaned Daks name in ecstasy, how they talked about wanting to have sex and when and where they should have it, how James said he would have to find me and tell me it was... over, but not before Dak suggested James could still play with me for a bit if he wanted, because I was only a toy.

I felt sick. I felt as if someone had placed a pile of bricks on my chest, and it was so heavy I had lost the ability to breathe. The words Dak were saying no longer entered my ears; all there was in my brain was the image of James... and Dak... Together... He never loved me. I hadn't wanted to believe it were true for the past 6 months, always wondering "What if..." but now I knew, knew that every single word, every touch, every kiss... was a lie. I felt my vision going black, as if I were literally dying right here in this chair and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But to be honest, I didn't want to stop it; I wanted to die right here and right now, because surely death would be a sweeter option than living life knowing I had given my heart to someone who played with it like sport and crushing it for enjoyment.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I was up and out of my seat, turning to face the door with haste and ripping it open so hard I wondered how it didn't come off its hinges. I faintly heard Dak yelling at me that the story wasn't over, but I didn't need to hear anymore. I didn't need to hear about hard they fucked, about how in love they were, or how much they laughed about me once I was gone – I needed to get out of there.

"Kendall! Wait!" I heard James call from behind me as I ran, ran so hard I was afraid my legs could collapse at any minute. I wasn't really sure where I was running too, all I knew was I had to get away.

"KENDALL STOP!" James yelled as his grasped onto my elbow and spun my body around.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, finally breaking down and succumbing to the uncontrollable depression and rage.

"Kendall please!" He begged through tears, trying to stop me from turning to go.

"I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!" I cried, almost screaming in agony. "I've been killing myself over how things ended between us! When all you had to do was tell me THE FUCKING TRUTH! I can't believe I ever trusted you! I loved you! No, I _LOVE_ YOU! I love you will all my heart and you never even cared for me!"

"Kendall that isn't true!" He choked out through hysterical tears.

"STOP LYING! You could have told me you liked Dak! Saved me 6 months worth of depression because I would at least know you were happy!'

"No Kendall no!" He cried, "It's not like that! You don't understand! We kissed and I let my body take over my heart and my brain, but the minute he left I couldn't believe what I'd done! The only way I could ever cope to live with myself would be pushing you away because I wouldn't be able to look at your beautiful face everyday knowing what I'd done!"

"Just stop it! We could have moved passed it! I would have forgiven you in time! Because Dak is right, I'm your fucking door mat! I would die for you James! In fact I have been dying for you! Do you know how I've been coping with the pain of you abandoning me?" I then lifted up the sleeves of my sweater and showed him my wrists.

"The only way to deal with the emotional pain was to feel physical pain! This is what you did James! This is what you did to me!"

"Kendall, no!" He almost screamed as he collapsed into the wall behind him, placing his head in his hands and crying so loudly I was surprised half the town didn't come running. "Kendall I'm so sorry!"

"The worst part is I still love you! All I ever wanted was to just love you, and have you love me in return. I wanted to stay in your arms forever and love you as much as I possibly could. When you were in my life for such a short amount of time I felt like I could achieve anything, be anything I wanted to be. But you've killed me now; you've killed everything I was. I want you to know that I will always love you, always."

"Kendall I love – I love -" He sobbed before I cut him off.

"Just don't, James. Don't try and fix this. This is goodbye, I'll miss you – I'll miss you so much."

"Kendall NO! Please! Don't move back to New York, please stay!" He begged as I turned and began to run away once more, tears stinging my eyes as the cool breeze hit them.

It hurt so much to say goodbye, but not just to him, I would soon be saying goodbye to everyone I'd ever known and loved – for you see I wasn't saying goodbye because I was moving back to New York... No, I was going to say goodbye forever.

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**:( It's not over yet though! So please, please keep reading because I know exactly where this story is going and I would hate for you to miss it! **

**Also, next chapter shall be James' P.O.V - and believe me he has A LOT to say/think! It's going to be a tough chapter because it's kind of all been leading up to this... **


	12. Fix You

**A/N: Hello my beautiful readers! I will start with an apology for the huge lack in updating. Many reasons, I have University exams at the moment, which suck but more important than that is that I just needed a little bit of a break from this story because it was bringing me down. So I wrote some happy Kames for my One shot series instead :P But anyway, I got back into the swing of things with this and I am happy how it turned out.**

**With this chapter it might seem a bit slow at the beginning, it's basically James taking his mind back to six months ago and he is kind of narrating things as they've happened up until this point. Some things get explained, like what really happened with Dak after Kendall left which is in a flashback, and the flashback is set the same day James ends things with Kendall.**

**Towards the end things really start to heat up. **

**Also, I've got some lyrics from Coldplays "Fix You" - it's an all time favourite of mine and I was listening to it the other night and just pictured James running through the woods to save Kendall and... *tears* **

**Please enjoy this :) I promise there won't be such a gap between the next update. xxx**

**Love you! And I almost forgot! WOO HOO on over 100 reviews! You guys are rock! (Kendall's tweet... get it? I'm obsessed, I know) **

**P.S Has anyone listened to Windows Down yet? I LOVE IT! it's so great. SO sexy ;) WOO HOO!**

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**Chapter 12 - Fix You.**

I was watching the love of my life walk away from me and there was nothing I could do about it. I've been an idiot, there's no doubt about that.

Saying goodbye and letting Kendall go six months ago is the hardest and the most heart breaking thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. I didn't want to push him away, but what other choice did I have? How could I ever look at him again and not think about what I had done? I'd like to blame Dak, say that it's all his fault for how things happened but I can't and won't because it's not his fault, its mine. That doesn't mean he didn't exactly handle it well... But that's a story I don't even want to deal with right now. Why did I kiss Dak? I wish someone could answer that for me because I sure as hell can't. I had planned not to drive Kendall away, I wanted to tell him the truth on the stairs but when I saw his beautiful green eyes look at me full of faith, love and above all, trust... there was nothing that I could ever say that would make things justifiable. When he left I wanted to chase him, tell him the truth and tell him I was sorry but my legs were nailed to the ground.

I didn't go to school for a few days afterwards, wallowing in self pity all alone from the safety of my bedroom because I was afraid to face Kendall, but turns out I had nothing to worry about because he didn't come either. When I finally came back I was so nervous, looking out for him at every turn, every glimpse of blonde in the corner of my eye had me turning my head – but he never showed. The days went by and I began to become worried, until before hockey training one afternoon when I was watching the juniors train I saw Mitch Brown taking the captain spot after I heard the coach say "Knight has moved to New York"

_"Knight has moved to new York_" was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard. I remember finding myself clutching the railing on the bleachers because the room began to spin and I was seeing stars.

Logan was right, I had driven Kendall away. I've wanted to talk to Logan so many times, I've found myself parked outside Kendall's house, looking for the courage to go and knock on the door but I just can't. Sometimes I felt like talking to and seeing Logan would be just as hard as having to see Kendall. Having to look into those chocolate eyes and tell him I broke all my promises, and unlike when he held me in his arms on the couch that one time, I don't think he would be as forgiving now.

I wish I could go back in time and just erase what happened with Dak and not just that first kiss in the bathroom... Dak was right when he told Kendall that the story wasn't over after once Kendall had left for New York... no the story was just beginning...

_**Flashback.**_

_As I lay down on my bed and let the tears flow freely I almost missed the sound of my phone going off in my pocket. My instant reaction was to hope it might be Kendall, but it was selfish to get my hopes up so high._

_"Hi Dak" I muttered, knowing who it was from the caller ID._

_"Whoa, you sound like shit."_

_"Yeah thanks"_

_"You alright? Where did you disappear to today?"_

_"I had to go home. I ended things with Kendall." My heart cracking._

_"No shit. Really?"_

_"Yes really"_

_"What happened to playing around with him for a bit?"_

_"I don't want to play around with him Dak... I love him."_

_"You don't, but even if you did, then why did you end things?"_

_"Don't tell me who I do and don't love. I had to end things... because of you."_

_"Because you want to fuck me without a guilty conscious? I get that."_

_"I don't want to fuck you Dak."_

_"Now we both know that's a lie."_

_"Seriously Dak. What happened between us was a mistake; I don't know what came over me."_

_"Don't kid me round Diamond."_

_"I'm not. The minute you left I could see clearly. I love you Dak, but not like that. You're my best friend, and I'm not doing anything with you."_

_After a short silence and wondering if he had hung up on me I spoke again. "Dak?"_

_"I'm sick of this Knight kid. He has been in your life a few short days and he has changed everything you are. I have one question for you James?"_

_"What?"_

_"Why him?"_

_I paused. "What do you mean?"_

_"You could have anyone you wanted James, boys and girls alike. So why him?"_

_"It's not like I went out and just chose him Dak" I sighed. "It sort of just... happened. I can't explain it. I didn't even think I was gay, but there was just something about him. He captivated me within the first 10 minutes of knowing him with his smile... his eyes... his big heart..." I began to choke up as I started talking about what made me fall in love with Kendall._

_"But James... what if there was someone else better?"_

_"There is no one better for me than Kendall. But that doesn't matter anymore because I've lost him." The tears now rolling down my cheeks freely._

_"Then move on, James. Be with me."_

_"Ha, please" I scoffed through tears "You can only offer me sex. Kendall offers me love."_

_"I can offer you love" Dak said in a small voice._

_"No you can't Dak, I know there's nothing more with you than sex and that may be fine for you but after what I said I don't think-"_

_"James stop!" He half yelled. "Can you please just take me seriously for just two seconds?"_

_"Fine, I'm taking you seriously, go ahead."_

_"Can I come over? I don't want to have this conversation on the phone."_

_"I don't think that's a good idea. I'm a mess and I sort of just want to die alone right now."_

_"Well that's bullshit; I'm not letting you be alone. I'm heading to the car now, see you soon."_

_Before I even had a chance to respond Dak had disconnected the phone, leaving me speechless and staring up at the ceiling in disbelief. I really didn't want to deal with Dak right now, I wasn't angry at him for the kiss and I wasn't going to take things out on him for it, but he really wouldn't be helping my depression by trying to have sex with me._

_I managed to have a few more minutes of intense crying and self loathing before Dak arrived, which didn't really help but I thought maybe if I cried hard enough Kendall would magically come back into my life... yeah right. When the doorbell rang I groaned slightly, cursing my parents for being at work and not being able to answer the door._

_"Hey" I said with a dead voice as I opened the door for Dak._

_"Wow" Dak said as he walked in and took off his coat and hung it on the rack. "You know how I said you sounded like shit? You look like shit dude"_

_"Thanks" I muttered, following him towards my kitchen. "You don't want to go to my bedroom?"_

_"Do you want to go to the bedroom?" He chuckled, "But no not yet, I'm hungry."_

_I rolled my eyes but somehow had a small smile on my face, Dak always acted like he owned my house, which was fine because he spent more time here than he did at his own home anyway._

_"Dak" I sighed as I hopped up on the kitchen counter whilst he stuck his head in the fridge. "Dak, I really don't feel like talking right now, I feel like absolute shit."_

_"God damn it James" He groaned._

_"What?"_

_"Well two things, firstly; where are those little cake things you always have?"_

_"In the cupboard, top shelf" I smiled._

_"Awesome. And secondly; I wouldn't be so sad about Kendall, you'll get him back."_

_"No, I won't" I said, bowing my head to conceal the tears that were threatening to spill._

_"James I thought we already decided he was on your leash? Just apologise and he will come crawling back."_

_"No, don't you understand?" I almost whined. "Even if in some magical fairy dream land he did still want me and was willing to just look past all this, how could I ever be with him and look into those emerald eyes knowing what I had done?"_

_"Did you tell him what we did?" Dak asked as he ate his third cupcake._

_"No, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I just told him that things between me and him had been fun but I thought we should end things before it got too deep. Which was a lie because I'm already so deep man..."_

_"I have a question. Why are you not kicking my ass right now?"_

_"And why would I be doing that?"_

_"Well, if it wasn't for me you and Kendall would probably be fucking right now."_

_"Yeah look, I'm not entirely thrilled how things happened between us Dak. Why did you kiss me?"_

_"Because you wanted me too" He grinned, now sitting down his food and walking towards me on the counter._

_"Seriously Dak" I sighed, trying to ignore how he positioned himself between my legs._

_"Seriously? You want serious?" He asked, now placing his hands on my thighs and forcing me to look at him with intensity._

_"Yes!"_

_"I love you" He said with a low voice._

_"I said to be serious" I sighed._

_"You are so frustrating! I am being serious James, I love you!"_

_"No you don't Dak, stop saying that."_

_Instead of speaking again Dak sighed in frustration, and then reached up on his toes to kiss me._

_"Whoa no!" I said suddenly, placing two hands on his shirt to shove him off._

_"Don't fight this James." He tried to start kissing me again but this time I shoved him with more force and jumped off the counter._

_"Please Dak; I don't want to make this difficult."_

_"James! What's so difficult about it? I love you."_

_"No you don't! I don't think you know what love is Dak!"_

_"Clearly I do because it's what I've been feeling for you for about 3 or 4 years now!"_

_All I could do was laugh with how ridiculous he was being. "Dak, you didn't even think you really wanted to have sex with me before you found out about me and Kendall. I think what you're doing is you're just curious about trying it with a guy and since you now know that I'm gay you know that I'm an easy option"_

_"No, you're not just the easy option James" He whined. "I want to be with you. I actually do love you. I just couldn't believe when I found out about you and Kendall, my heart instantly opened up to something I know I've been trying to push down. I've slept with so many girls and it's been fun but nothing and no one has captivated me so much with just one kiss. When you smile, I smile, when you laugh my heart swells with joy, when you enter a room I feel my stomach doing flips, when you touch me my heart goes into overdrive... You're everything to me James. I know sometimes I act like a complete asshole and I truly am really sorry for our things worked out with Kendall but I was just so jealous James. I know you love him, just when you hear his name you light up like the sun... But that's how I want you to feel about me, I want to walk into a room and see you smile, see you smile and then run up to me and kiss me, letting everyone know I'm yours. I can be everything for you James; I can be anything you need me to be... I love you."_

_"Dak... I... I don't know what to say" I stuttered, staring at him in complete shock._

_"Please, don't say anything, just kiss me"_

_He kissed me again then, but I didn't try fight him off this time. I had to kiss him again, and just like I suspected it gave me all the answers I needed._

_"Ok" I sighed; pulling my lips from his and placing my hands on his chest to push him back slightly._

_"Dak, I love Kendall. I know I've driven him away and I am never going to get him back, but that doesn't change the way I feel. It will take me a long time to get over him, and even then there will always be a special spot in my heart for him, but right now I really can't imagine myself being with anyone else. I love you Dak, don't get me wrong, it's just kissing you now it feels like I'm kissing my brother, or well maybe my cousin... still gross but not as bad.. Well not gross but wrong. But anyway the point is we will never have anything between us because what you will always be to me is my best friend."_

_He stared at me with sad eyes, seemingly lost for words. I felt horrible, I've just been breaking everyone's heart today, but Dak needed to know the truth – no more lies._

_"James, please" He said softly, taking me by the hands. "Please just give me a chance. I know I'm not Kendall but... please"_

_"I'm sorry Dak" I whispered in reply. "Whether or not you end up with a girl or a guy I know they're going to be so lucky to be with you. I know you can be an asshole, but that's not what I see in you; someone else will see that and know there is so much more to Dak Zevon than meets the eye"_

_"But why can't that be you?" He said through the tears that were now free falling down his face._

_"Because I will never be able to love you like you want me to"_

_"This is such bullshit" He said, now angry and pulling away from me. "This is why I don't open up to anyone. You're so fucking full of crap James; don't lead me on if you're just going to break my heart like you did Kendall's"_

_"Dak I didn't want to break your heart!" I said sadly, trying to reach out and place a hand on his shoulder, a touch he instantly rejected._

_"Kendall doesn't deserve you, he deserves so much better."_

_Well that hurt. "I know"_

_"You know what? Maybe I will go see Kendall right now? See if he is ready for a rebound!"_

_"Don't you dare!" I growled defensively._

_"Well why not! We can get over you together!' He said as he turned to leave._

_I did something next which I am not entirely proud of, but it had to happen. I leapt on his back like a lion hunting a gazelle, which sent both of us crashing to the hard floors of my kitchen._

_"James what the fuck!" Dak groaned as he was being crushed by my weight._

_"Don't you dare ever talk to Kendall!" I said as I was now straddling his hips._

_"James get off me!" He said angrily, trying to fight my hold._

_"No! Not until you admit never to interfere in Kendall's life!"_

_"FINE! I won't go near your precious pity fuck!"_

_And that's when I punched him._

_**End of flashback.**_

Things after that didn't go great. Fighting on the ice with him today was kind of like déjà vu, although it wasn't so intense at my house. We both got in a few good punches and it probably would have gotten worse if my Dad hadn't of got home and ripped me off Dak, then screamed at Dak to get out. My Dad then screamed at for a solid 1 or 2 hours about fighting and about how Dak was my best friend and blah blah blah, I thought things would get better with Dak but they didn't. I felt bad, sort of, I felt bad that he had opened his heart up to me and I stomped on it, but what else was I supposed to say? I wasn't going to lie anymore and by not shutting Dak down I really wouldn't be giving myself many options but sleep with him.

Dak didn't handle it great. He didn't show up at school for like two weeks. _Everyone _asked me where he was, but I didn't give a shit. If he wanted to cry about how I didn't love him then that was his problem. Couldn't he understand that I loved Kendall and no one was going to change that? When he got back eventually and told everyone some crap story about a family holiday I was all prepared to apologise but he wanted none of it. In fact if I recall when I went up to talk to him in the locker rooms when we were alone he shoved me into the wall and said "_Get away from me homo"_

Well that was pleasant and ever since then we've barely spoken apart from when he insults me or checks me at incredible force into the boards at hockey. The worst part is I have to see him every single day. We have most of the same classes, we still hang out with the same people and of course he is my vice captain on the hockey team. I was willing to be nice ok, I was willing to not let any weirdness ruin our friendship but if he wanted to be a complete dick then whatever, that's his problem and I'm just going to stay out if.

These past six months have been complete torture. I've tried to forget about Kendall, I really have but nothing works. I think I've picked up the phone about a thousand times, I've typed about a million e-mails, drafted hundreds of text messages and even written a couple of letters to Kendall in the past six months that I've never sent. All saying different things but all focusing around the main two points of "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

It's also kind of hard to get over someone when they are all you think about every waking second, and to be honest with you I haven't really tried that hard to forget him. When I can I watch the junior hockey team train and I go to all their games. I don't really know why, maybe a small part of me hoped that Kendall would appear and he would be back to join them... And then... well then he did.

That brings us to the past couple of days. As I walked past his old lunch table (something I have made a habit of doing in case Kendall's friends are talking about him) I heard his friend Carlos say _"__Logan and his Mum are picking him up from the airport this afternoon". _That's when I froze and couldn't even find the power in my fingers to hold onto my lunch tray, but I was barely aware of my food splattering on the ground; all I knew was that Kendall was finally coming home. But that's when I also started to panic, how on earth would I face him and know what to say? What to do? Or really just how to respond from the sheer panic of it all? After talking to his friend Carlos briefly and discovering a couple of things, firstly that Carlos hates me which doesn't surprise me but it makes me sad cause he seems like a really nice guy and secondly that Kendall was only coming home for Thanksgiving. I realised that gave me about a week or two in which Kendall would be in the same state as me and I would have to make some sort of move. I had spent six months too long feeling sorry for myself and I was going to make things right if it was the last thing I do.

That brings us to today. Today... wow where do I even begin? I had barely slept a wink last night, too anxious at the possibility of seeing Kendall so it left me already slightly agitated and on edge for the day. I didn't see him at school, not that I was really expecting too but I had small hopes. It wasn't until hockey that my world stopped spinning. I didn't think seeing him again would have such an effect on me... But it did. I hadn't forgotten his face, or his voice, or anything about him in 6 months but seeing him in the flesh brought on emotions I couldn't have anticipated. At first there's was love, complete and utter love filling me up and almost had me flying across the ice and smothering my lips on his but then reality kicked in and I remembered why he left in the first place – it was because I broke his heart. So then love made way to heart crushing, tyrannical sadness and hurt. I saw Jett trying to stir him up and I wanted to cut in, trying to find any excuse to go up and be with him but it didn't seem... appropriate. Then it clicked, what if I asked the juniors to train with us? I knew he would probably try leave as soon as possible, but if I could only keep him on the ice if only for a minute then maybe I could try reconnect with him... Just maybe.

Nothing prepared me from standing right in front of him, so close to those broken green eyes. When I stood there and we stared at one another I felt as if someone was repeatedly throwing my heart into a wall, letting it smash over and over again, but honestly seeing Kendall so hurt, so sad was like ice to my heart. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but most of all I wanted to hug him so tight and never let go. I should never have let him go in the first place...

Speaking to him for two seconds was enough for tears to start spilling from my eyes. He was so hurt, so broken and I knew it was my entire fault. I didn't know what to say to him. All those letters, emails, text messages, they were all at the tip of my tongue but the words just wouldn't come. When he opened his mouth to say _"James, I have spent the past 6 months –" _ My heart went into overdrive. What did he have to say? I had to know. But then who should show up but Dak? Of course he was resentful; I could see it all over his face. He wasn't happy one bit that Kendall was back and that's when things got... ugly.

I shouldn't have fought with Dak, again... but I couldn't help it. He threatened to tell Kendall everything that had happened between us and I just couldn't let that happen. I wanted Kendall to hear it from me; I had every intention of stealing a moment with him if only just to explain, but of course fucking Dak had to ruin that for me.

Watching Kendall's face when Dak told the whole story was like watching your worst nightmare play out in front of your eyes, or maybe a horrific car crash but all you can do is watch. I pleaded with him not to listen but he wouldn't listen to me and there was nothing I could do. When Dak _finally _said it I saw the life leave his eyes and all the colour drain from his face. It was horrid.

And that brings us to now. To me sitting on the floor of the deserted middle school building where they were already on holidays which is why no one had come and told me to come and get up in the past 2 hours or so, and with my head in my hands and Kendall running out of my life. Why couldn't I just tell him I loved him? When he just said all those things to me about how he never stopped loving me for the 6 months or how he wished I had just told him the truth... Why couldn't I just say those three little words? But I realised I couldn't say then without him knowing I was telling the truth because as he said, I've destroyed I've completely and utterly destroyed his trust and I don't blame him from not believing a single word that comes out of my mouth.

But above all this, above everything that has happened nothing will ever compare to him revealing his wrists to me... How could he? Or more importantly how could I? How could I ever do something so bad to someone that would force them to hurt themselves? My Kendall... my beautiful, sweet, innocent Kendall had resulted to self harm all because of how I had treated him. Words don't even begin to describe how I felt when I saw those scars on his wrist... I felt as if I had been shot in the heart and I was bleeding throughout my entire body. For as long as I shall live I will never forgive myself for this, never. And now there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say because he is leaving me again... he is saying goodbye...

"_This is goodbye, I'll miss you – I'll miss you so much."_

Goodbye...

Wait...

He is saying goodbye... But... that means to New York right? Not...

"Kendall!" I cried out loud, jumping up and tearing out of the school as fast as my legs would carry me.

I didn't want to believe what I was thinking could be true... Kendall wouldn't seriously consider... suicide, would he?

I jumped in my car and drove so fast a tiny voice in the back in my head kept telling me that if I kept this speed up I might die from a car accident before Kendall even has the chance to die himself...

"Oh no, Kendall, no no no" I cried, tears now gushing down my face like waterfalls that I could barely see the road.

When I pulled up outside his house, I barely even put the car in park before I swung open the door and sprinted up the path to his front door.

"Please please please" I begged as I smashed on the door and rung the doorbell at the same time. "Oh god please someone be home please... FUCK!"

I ran around the side of the house and jumped the fence to then peer through the large glass doors that connected to the kitchen/living room area.

"Where are you Kendall?" I cried to no one as I paced back and forth. As far as I knew he could be up in his room right now and already be... "KENDALL?" I screamed.

_Think James, think. Where does Kendall go when he wants to escape?_

A small voice asked in my head. I tried to rack my brain, thinking back to the first night we met and I took him out for dinner. We talked about so much that night...

"God damn it, think James!" I yelled to myself.

And then I could remember the conversation as clear as day.

"_Behind my house there's a woods of sort, I don't go out there much anymore but when I was a bit younger I used to love it out there. It's where I would go to escape because there was no one there you know? It was just me, and the birds and the trees and it was just... peaceful. I know this sounds stupid but I reckon when I eventually die I will like to be buried there"_

Before I could blink my legs sent me flying through the back yard and to the edge of the woods that lay beyond Kendall's lawn. I didn't know what direction to go in, or where I was going at all but there was some gravitational pull that told me to just keep on moving, keep on going.

"KENDALL! KENDALL!" I began to yell his name as I ran, praying that he would respond.

As the sun started to fall behind the trees the true panic was setting in. What if I never found him? What if he was already laying dead somewhere and I never got to hold him in my arms one last time in my arms? What if I never got to tell him how much I truly love him? I should have never let him go and spent every day telling the whole world I love him. What if -

I stopped abruptly as I glimpsed something to my right, spinning around to bend down and look at it.

_Kendall's coat... _

"Fuck!" I yelled, bringing it close to my body and inhaling its sweet scent.

It was still faintly, faintly warm which meant he must have lost it not that long ago, but at least now I knew I was on the right track.

"Kendall where are you!" I pleaded through the now growing darkness.

"James?" I heard the faintest whispers, causing my whole body to freeze, did I imagine it?

"James..." The voice whispered again further to my right.

"KENDALL!" I shouted, "KENDALL PLEASE? IT'S JAMES! DON'T STOP TALKING!"

"Over hear" came the voice straight ahead as I burst through the ferns.

At first I didn't see anything, nothing but more trees' but then finally... I saw him.

"Kendall!" I screamed, hurling my body at the forest floor to where he was lying.

"Oh my god Kendall what have you done?" I cried as I lifted him into my chest.

There was blood, everywhere. He wasn't wearing his coat, he was in nothing but a t-shirt but I couldn't see the white of his skin on his arms, just blood.

"Kendall Kendall Kendall" I said through tears as I ripped the material of his coat and wrapped it around his wrists.

"You remembered Jamie" He murmured.

"Yes Kendall, please keep talking, please" I begged as I took my coat off and wrapped it around his freezing frame. "What did I remember?"

When he didn't reply I frantically looked at his face and saw his eyes starting to close.

"No! You stay with me Kendall Knight!" I shouted, wrapping my body so tightly around his for warmth.

"You remembered..." He said in a faint whisper.

"What, what did I remember?"

"You remember what I told you about the forest, about how it's my favourite place"

"Of course I did! I remember everything you've ever told me. I know your favourite TV show is Scrubs because it annoys your parents who are both doctors and think it's unrealistic. I know your favourite band is Coldplay and that you love chocolate ice cream but you hate vanilla. When you were five your Mum bought you a bunny rabbit and you named him Buttons. You want to play hockey for the Minnesota Wild but you never think you'll be good enough, which is false because you are amazing." I said as the tears streamed down my face and I rocked us back and forth on the ground. "Kendall, keep talking to me please!"

"You like vanilla but you hate chocolate" He smiled faintly.

"Yes, yes chocolate is the worst flavour" I said with a laugh through tears as I flew my hand down to get my pocket out of my phone so I could call 911.

"FUCK!" I screamed, causing his limp body to jolt slightly.

"What is it Jamie?' He murmured.

I had no signal. I had no fucking signal. This isn't happening to me. No no no no no no no.

"Kendall, please listen to me" I begged "Kendall I love you so much ok? Please stay strong? Please please" I could barely talk through my uncontrollable tears.

"I... I"

"No Kendall stay with me!" I said frantically as his eyes began to close again.

"I love you too Jamie"

And then his eyes closed...

"KENDALL NO!" I screamed... but his eyes didn't open again.

"KENDALL PLEASE! NO! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY HELP US!" I bellowed through the woods.

"Kendall I love you, I love you I love you" I whispered into his hair.

But there was no response. Not from Kendall... not from anyone else... we were alone.

_Tears stream down your face_  
_When you lose something you cannot replace_  
_Tears stream down your face_

_Tears stream down on your face_  
_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes_  
_Tears stream down on your face_  
_And I will try... to fix you._


	13. Heavy In Your Arms

**A/N: See what did I tell you? Updating fast like a pro :P **

**So this chapter was (is) a lot longer than what I've posted here, in fact I have a whole other bit but I sort of just cut it off in the middle because I kind of liked it ending where I have... SO in light of that, this is sort of like a preparer ok? And also it switches to different people and locations but it's all in third person.**

**Disclaimer: Many more song lyrics used because I love them and music is my inspiration when I'm writing. **

**"My Love" by Sia and "See You Soon" by Coldplay. Both used in the context of James singing them to Kendall (in italics). If you've never heard them I desperately reccomend you checking them out because they're beautiful and will chop up your heart if you picture James singing them through tears to Kendall as he lays dying... God I worry about my mind sometimes.**

**Anyway I hope you enjoy the next little installment and I love your reviews just too much so please keep leaving them! :) **

**Love, Soph. xx**

* * *

**Chapter 13 - Heavy In Your Arms**

"_My love, leave yourself behind, beat inside me, leave you blind. My love, you have found peace, you were searching for release" _James sings in a whisper into Kendall's blonde hair.

The tears have now stopped, there are none left. James is alone, and he is helpless.

"_You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully, you taught me honour, you did it for me" _

James rocks Kendall back and forth and sings as if it were a lullaby. He doesn't know why he is singing, it's partly calming, partly wishful thinking. Maybe he can touch some inner part of Kendall's brain to wake up to his voice.

"_Tonight you will sleep for good; you will wait for me, my love."_

Turns out James was wrong, there are tears left.

"Oh my god Kendall, please" He sobs, "Please don't leave me"

James doesn't know how long he has been sitting here holding Kendall. It might have only been minutes but it feels like hours and he knows if he doesn't get help soon Kendall will die in his arms. He considered running out of the woods to get help but he knew he couldn't leave Kendall, because one: he might not be able to make his way back out and two: what if they couldn't find Kendall again?

It is well and truly night time now and in the middle of a Minnesota forest in November is really not where you want to be without a coat. At this rate Kendall and James will die together.

Kendall is hanging on, by a very thin thread. There is the faintest of pulses beating in Kendall's veins and James clings onto that, urging Kendall to cling on too.

"Kendall please, just please. I know I've been a terrible person and nothing will ever change that, but if you will let me I will spend every day for the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me. You know how I felt when I saw you? When you walked into your Dad's doctor's office something just clicked in my brain... I finally knew that you were the person I've been waiting for. In just that first minute you captivated me, captivated me with your smile, your eyes, your cute little dimples, even those crazy eyebrows I love so much. There wasn't a single part of my body that didn't ache to just hold you, kiss you... be with you. Your Dad soon explained to me who you were and initially I was faced with a dilemma. Would I be the asshole senior everyone expects of me? Or would I actually open up my heart to you... I chose the latter of course and I'm so glad I did. When I took you out for dinner I soon learned you weren't just a pretty face, you were perfect – on the inside and out. That night was the most incredible night of my life Kendall, not just the sex though, everything about it. When I held you in my arms and told you I loved you, I meant it. I've been an idiot I know, I was just... you have to understand Kendall I was so scared. I've never opened myself up so completely to someone before and it scared me to death. I'm such a coward, and I don't think I will ever have much of an excuse for why I do the things I do but I thought... I thought maybe if I kept you closed off from the world I could protect us, and keep us perfect. But now that I'm going to... Now that I might lose you I want you to know that I will scream at the top of my lungs for the whole world to see that you are the one I want to be with. There is no one but you Kendall, no one but you. I love you." James cries into Kendall's shoulder.

"_In a bullet-prove vest, with the windows all closed I'll be doing my best - I'll see you soon" _

"Come back to me Kendall, come on"

"_In a telescope lens and when all you want is friends - I'll see you soon"_

Somewhere in between the singing, the crying and the painful cold James falls asleep with Kendall in his arms.

_I'll see you soon._

* * *

**_Meanwhile..._**

"This is ridiculous!" Logan yells as he paces back and forth in his living room. "Where is he Carlos!"

"I don't know!" Carlos says through broken sobs as he sits on the couch, not that he knows why he is crying – there's no need to be worried about Kendall... right?

"Tell me again what happened"

"Well Kendall came to training and he got back out on the ice and he actually seemed like he was having a really good time, like he was healing sort of, but then James showed up. And there was this huge fight between James and his friend Dak Zevon, over Kendall, and Kendall got involved with trying to break them apart so when Coach Skinner showed up all three of them were sent to the principal's office and then I honestly didn't see Kendall after that I swear Logan"

"James must have been here at the house though because when I got home his car was outside and still running so he must have been in a rush... But no one has come into the house because all the alarms were still on... FUCK!" Logan was now starting to yell. "I called the school and Mrs Collins your principal said she was about to call me too because the three boys had been in her office and when she got back James and Kendall had gone but that was hours ago! Where are they!"

Carlos was racking his brain trying to think of any possibility as to what happened, he was so close to figuring it out too... "Logan, I have this hunch and it might be totally crazy..."

"Please Carlos anything you can think of" Logan begged, finally taking a seat next to Carlos on the couch.

"I don't know if this would be completely out of the realm of possibilities but... Kendall wouldn't um... Kendall wouldn't ever hurt himself would he?"

Logans eyes went wide at Carlos' words. "Shit" Logan muttered under his breath, now flying from the couch to the phone.

"Pick up pick up pick up" He muttered, "Jen! It's Logan, are you doing surgery tonight?" There was a pause as Jennifer Mitchell responded on the line.

"Thank god. I need you to get home right away, please... Honey trust me. Kendall is missing and do you remember last night after I spoke to Kendall and I told you my fears of his depression?"

The line then went dead and Logan placed the phone on the counter and began to pace once more.

"Am I right?" Carlos said in a small voice, watching Logan pace.

"I hope you're not Carlos, but last night I spoke to Kendall and he admitted to me he's been struggling a lot, a lot more than he has let on. I don't want to believe it's true but I think you might be right, I think Kendall has been harming himself."

Carlos hung his head, not brave enough to show Logan the tears that were now falling. His friend... his best friend had been suffering and he never even knew.

"The real problem is though where he is now? And where is James? I phoned the Diamonds before you got here and spoke to their housekeeper; she said James hadn't returned home. If I could just understand what happened in the principal's office..."

"Why don't you call Dak Zevon?" Carlos suggested in a small voice.

It was a terrible idea but it was worth a shot.

"Do you have his number?" Logan asked desperately.

"No, but I can get it hang on." Carlos then whipped out his phone and after a couple of minutes of text messaging and Facebooking he was able to read a number out to Logan.

"Please pickup" He begged as he stood with the phone to his ear. "Hi! Dak Zevon? My name is Logan Mitchell; I'm Kendall Knight's step father"

"_Oh hi Mr Mitchell, what can I do for you?" _Dak responded lightly, although freaking out over what Kendall's father would want to talk to him about. Surely Knight wouldn't run off crying to Daddy.

"I promise I won't keep you too long. It's just Kendall is missing and I'm very worried about him. James' car is at our house but neither of them are here. I would like to get a better understanding of what happened after your fight with James this afternoon that would cause this?"

"_Oh um.." _Dak said hesitantly, unsure whether or not to divulge the truth. Although if Kendall and James were in some kind of trouble... "_Well, the reason James and I started fighting in the first place was because I um... I threatened to tell Kendall why James ended things with him six months ago... Oh crap unless you don't know about James and Kendall in the first place –"_

"No it's fine, I know, please go on"

"_Well when we were finally alone I asked Kendall if he wanted to hear what James really did... And he wanted to hear so... So I told him"_

Logan was absolutely dying to hear the story himself but now wasn't the time. "And I'm guessing he didn't take it well?"

"_Um no... He kind of ran out of the room before I got a chance to finish... He was distraught. James chased after him, they were both in tears and Kendall just..." _Dak's throat felt dry when he remembered how Kendall's face had looked. "_Kendall just looked like he wanted to die"_

Logan shut his eyes and collapsed down on the couch beside Carlos once more. "Is that it? So Kendall left and James ran after him? What time was that?"

"_Ahh... about 4:30 I think"_

Logan looked up at the clock that now read 10:34 pm. "Ok thank you for your help Mr Zevon"

"_That's ok... and Mr Mitchell? I'm sorry. And when you find Kendall can you tell him I'm sorry too?"_

"I will" Logan replied as he shut the phone, not that he knew what Dak would have to be sorry for.

"What did he say?" Carlos asked impatiently.

"Just enough to help me understand that we should be very worried about Kendall" Logan said as tears started to form in his eyes.

"Ok ok, let's think" Said Carlos, trying to remain calm. "If James was with him, or at least James was following him then they can't have gone far because James' car is here, right?"

"Right"

"So where would Kendall go? If he... If he wanted to end it all" Carlos said in barely a whisper.

"Let me think..." Logan mumbled as he placed his head in his hands.

Carlos tried to think too but his brain was coming up with nothing.

"He's not in the house, he's not in the backyard, he wouldn't go to any of the neighbours... I guess the only other option is... SHIT!" Logan yelled, jumping up and throwing on his coat.

"What? What is it?' Carlos asked frantically, standing to join Logan.

"Carlos, I need you to listen to me very, very carefully ok" Logan said. "I think... I think Kendall might have run out into the woods. He used to love it in there as a child but his mother and me always said it was too big and dangerous. For all we know Kendall is... dead on the ground somewhere and James is looking for him, and if we don't find them fast James might die too from hypothermia ok?"

"Oh my... oh my" Carlos breathed, unable to form words.

"So Carlos, I need you to stay here and call everyone you can alright? Because I know for a fact phones will lose reception once we get out there. James has probably tried to contact someone but can't... FUCK. Ok keep calm Logan, keep calm" he soothed to himself.

"But Logan wait!" Carlos called as Logan began to retreat through the sliding door. "What about you? What if you get lost and then all three of you are out there?"

Logan darted back in the house quickly, brain slightly snapped back into reality from Carlos' words. He threw out a bag from the closet by the front door which contained emergency items such as first aid, torches, blankets, a compass and a homing device of sorts.

"Ok Carlos this is important. This device here will transmit to this" He said, motioning towards the matching black remote looking thing he placed in Carlos' hand. "If I find them I will press a button and it will tell you where I am ok? It's going to be ok Carlos alright? Just get on the phone right now ok! I need you here so you can communicate with everyone what has happened alright?"

"Y-yes Logan" Carlos stuttered, already reaching for the phone as Logan walked out the door. "Please find them"

"I'll try" Logan replied, before finally exiting the house and sprinting across the back lawn.

"Ok where are you" He whispered mostly to himself as he began to run.

He had no idea where to begin, or in what direction to even run but his intuition kept him pushing forward. Even with his torch it was impossibly dark and Logan had to try hard to trip over the debris of the forest floor. As he ran and began to yell out James and Kendall's names images started to flash in his mind of the two huddled together under a tree, Kendall's skin soaked red and James clinging on to him for dear life... Tears streamed down Logan's face as he ran, but he wouldn't give up, not yet.

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**So yeah the next chapter is pretty much all written (nearly) so I know where I'm taking this don't worry :) **

**Oh also, I didn't really explain it right, but the little "homing device" Logan has is a real thing. My Dad and I go bushwalking a lot in really remote places and we take one with us just in case :) We've never had to use it though luckily!**


	14. Back To Where It All Began

**A/N: Updating again! I know, it's crazy.**

**So I think this story is making me insane, like literally insane. It's worrying.**

**This chapter is a complete and total mind fuck. Just putting it out there. I am leaving it up to you whether or not you think it's real ;) So time to put your brains on people. Try and think of the chapter in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows were Harry goes to get killed by Voldemort and after the spell is cast Harry "wakes up" in Kings Cross and talks to Dumbledore... K? Any other HP nerds out there...? **

**But, enjoy it. And when you're reading this and feeling like you want to punch me just wait until the A/N down the bottom :)**

**And you guys are still awesome for reviewing/favourting by the way :) I wish so much so reply to your reviews but I find it impossible not to give away the story in my replies... Oops! **

**xx**

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**Chapter 14 - Back To Where It All Began**

**James P.O.V**

I felt... Disconnected. Yes I think disconnected was the right feeling. I felt like reality was so close within my grasp but something was stopping me from completely holding on and it was so frustrating. Was I dreaming? It kind of felt like a dream... Like you know when you're in a dream and you're trying to run away and you know you have to run but your legs just won't move? Well that's how I feel right now. I know there's something I should be doing, somewhere I should be going but... my legs just won't move. I also felt like it couldn't be a dream because whilst my brain knew it wasn't real it still felt kind of... real, like everything was too clear. I recognised where I was instantly and it was a weird place to be having this... thing. It was Dr Logan Mitchell's doctor's surgery. Everything was as I remembered it. Paintings covering the soft blue walls, the large window that overlooked the park behind the surgery, his large oak wood desk scattered with papers, doctor's equipment and even if I remembered correctly the same "Doctor Knows Best" mug in the corner. My hand instantly flew to my ribs, because I thought maybe somehow I had been transported back 6 months ago... But no, my rib was completely fine. What the hell was going on?

"Finally" I heard a voice say from behind, which had spinning around faster than I could blink.

Kendall...

"I... what..." I stuttered at a complete loss of words. What was happening?

"I've been waiting for you" he said casually as he stood in the exact same position I first saw him.

"This isn't real... This must be a dream"

"I think it's whatever you want it to be James" Kendall replied with a smile.

"But... It feels almost too real to be a dream but I can't...This is so frustrating! Wait..." I said suddenly, looking at Kendall as it all returned to me.

Kendall, New York, Thanksgiving, hockey, the fight with Dak, the principal's office, Kendall crying goodbye, running through the woods to save him, finding him on the ground covered in blood...

It all hit me like a tonne of bricks.

"You and me... the woods... Oh my god Kendall you committed suicide!" I said frantically, jumping out of the chair but not really knowing where to go. I wanted to try get out but I just... couldn't.

"I am yet to finish the job" He said with a shrug, leaning against the door frame.

"Kendall what is this? I am so confused."

"Could be a figment of your imagination... Could be a figment of my imagination... Who really knows?"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"I kind of felt like I 'woke up' here once I fell asleep in your arms"

"So you remember that? You remember me coming to find you?"

"Of course" He said in a small voice, face now clouded with sadness.

"Kendall I don't know what this is and I think it might just be me going crazy but if there is any chance that somehow what I say will get through to you" I began in a ramble, moving closer to him and reaching for his hands that were so, so cold; like death.

"Kendall you have to know that I love you alright? I don't know what's going to happen or what's happening but no matter what happens I love you and I always will alright?"

"I can't believe you found me" He said in barely a whisper, clutching onto my hands like they were life support. "I can't believe you remembered everything I told you that first night... Jamie... Jamie I've been such an idiot"

"No you haven't Kendall I've been the idiot. If it wasn't for me none of this would even be happening"

"No!" He said fiercely, "It's not your fault ok?"

"But Kendall –"

"No listen to me. No matter what happens to me I don't want you to blame yourself. I've been such an idiot and... I want to tell you something"

He held onto my hands tighter and I was completely wrapped in what he had to say. I was still conscious that this was probably just my sleep induced mind going crazy over potentially losing Kendall but having him in front of me now just felt like somewhere, somehow this conversation was really taking place and what he was saying was real... Or it might just be me imagining what I would want him to say...

"When you ended things with me six months ago I was such a mess James. I thought moving to New York would be what was best for me because I wouldn't have to see you... Over time I realised though that being away from you wasn't helping me get better because I was killing myself, figuratively, over why things ended and I always thought maybe if I just spoke to you one last time, to really figure things out... I think I wrote like a thousand emails and even a couple of letters –"

"Me too" I interjected quickly, "I've still got them all saved. Kendall if we both make it out of this I'm going to read them to you ok?"

"Ok" He said with a small smile before he continued. "But James, I just couldn't face seeing you because I knew it would hurt too much. I spent six months shedding tears over you and it got to the point where I just wanted it to stop."

"Kendall, I'm so sorry" I said through the sobs that were now forming.

"Don't be sorry, as I said it's my fault. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, I shouldn't have run away. The first time I cut... I'm not going to lie to you, it helped. My heart was hurting so much that I felt as though I could really distract from that if I inflicted physical pain. I know it's stupid, trust me. And I know what I've now done is so, so stupid. When I was running through the woods trying to get as far away as possible I felt as if my heart was being crushed and it was just horrible. Partly I took the blade to my wrists because I kind of wanted that pain to stop. The thing is though, once I started cutting and the deeper I got the more I realised that whilst I may resent you, slightly, I don't want to die and leave you."

"Oh god Kendall" I said with tears in my eyes, "Please resent me all you want but never lose that, never lose the desire to live"

"The other thing is, even though I should resent you and hate you and never want to see you again I can't help but love you. Can you promise me something?"

"Anything, I promise you anything"

"If we make it out of this, can we be together? I want to be with you, and no matter what you've done it's not going to change how I feel"

"Oh Kendall" I said, collapsing into his shoulder and holding him tight. "I don't... I don't know if I could"

I could feel his body tense underneath my own as he started to get angry. "I would have thought after you running to save me and holding me in tears saying you loved me would be enough –"

"No Kendall no it's not that I don't love you, because I do and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, it's just that after everything that's happened I wouldn't be able to look into your eyes and not think about how I drove you to such a point where you want to kill yourself" I cried.

"Silly James" He sighed, putting his arms around me and resting his head on mine. "Have you not been listening to a word I've said? I don't want you to blame yourself for this. What I have done is completely my own actions alright? My stupid, idiotic actions and I will pay the consequences"

"You can't say that though Kendall" I groaned into his shoulder. "If it wasn't for me none of this would even be happening"

"I'll admit that you made me very sad, but the action in which to harm myself is by my own doing. Did you tell me to take a knife to my wrists? No"

"You realise I will never see it that way don't you?"

"Well then every morning that I wake up in your arms you'll just have to remind me that you love me and you're never letting go so I know to never do it again"

The image entered my mind of Kendall and I in a large double bed, a mixture of sheets and limbs. Our faces so close they were almost touching and we were just looking deep into one another's eyes... Smiles on our faces and nothing but love in our hearts... it was perfect.

"I wish you would stop crying" He sighed, planting a soft kiss to my hair.

"I just... I just don't think you're going to make it" I said in barely a whisper.

"Hey, I'm still here aren't I? I think I would know if I were dead"

"How do you feel though Kendall? Like right now?"

"I feel... cold. Cold and disconnected. As each minute passes I feel myself slipping away more and more, but having you here helps. Holding onto you now I feel a little bit closer to life"

"Me too" I whispered.

"I'm so glad you found me. Not necessarily to save me but more to just be there. I know this is going to sound insane, but after I drifted off from consciousness I kind of 'woke up' nowhere, there was just nothing and I assumed that this must be death. But then I heard something... and it was so faint but I followed it. The closer I got the more I felt like maybe I could really wake up again, I didn't of course but it helped. And then suddenly I knew what it was, and I could feel life in my veins, I felt like I could cling on just that little bit tighter"

"What was it?" I asked like a child who was hearing a fascinating bed time story.

"It was... It was you Jamie. Singing... _Tonight you will sleep for good; you will wait for me, my love..."_

I stared at him in disbelief, eyes shining with tears. "And Jamie, I might sleep for good tonight, but I did wait for you here, my love"

I kissed him then, the whole situation being too much for me to bear as salty tears mixed in with the taste of his sweet lips.

The kiss spoke thousands of words I would just never have been able to say. A thousand apologies, a thousand messages of love, all rolled into one heart breaking kiss.

"I never should have let you go Kendall" I whispered against his lips.

"Then don't now" He replied, reaching one hand up to cradle my face as he kissed me again softly.

"Your hands are so cold" I said as I held his hand that was still placed lightly upon my cheek.

"All of me is cold, and I'm only getting colder"

"Please don't say that..." I barely whispered, our foreheads now resting against one another's.

"But Jamie... you're cold too. Don't you feel it?"

"But how can I be cold... Am I dying too Kendall?"

"I don't... I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen" He said with tears. "You shouldn't have run after me James"

"How could I not? You're my everything. And Kendall... if you don't wake up... well then I don't want to either"

"No no no" He groaned, eyes closing. Our foreheads were still pressed together and I could see the pain on his face and the grip he had on my cheek tightened. "You are not going anywhere. Someone will come and save you and you will be ok"

"But Kendall, what if... what if this is heaven? You and me, together forever? We can just stay like this, just the two of us..."

I was going crazy, I know. But I just couldn't help but think that maybe this was meant to happen... Fate was taking us back to where it all began.

"James I don't think this is heaven... I think this is someone giving us the chance to say a proper goodbye"

"But I don't want to say goodbye" I whispered

"Neither do I" He said with a small smile, green orbs now looking into mine. "I wish I hadn't of been so mentally insane"

"And I wish I hadn't of been such a horrible person"

"You're not a horrible person" He sighed.

"Kendall... Kendall I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you"

"Here feel this" He said, removing his hand from my cheek and interlocking our fingers over his heart. "What do you feel?"

At first I felt nothing, nothing but a hollow shell beneath my finger tips. But then...

"There's a heartbeat" I said in disbelief and hope.

"Yes, there's a heartbeat" He said with a faint smile, "So I'm not dead yet, and –"

He took my other free hand and placed it on my heart.

"And feel that? You have a heart beat too"

We stood like that for awhile, just staring at one another and feeling our hearts beating in time. His was slightly fainter than mine, but I felt like if I could just keep looking into his eyes and holding his heart in my hand I could get it to beat strong once more.

"James... I want to cling onto this heartbeat" Kendall said after what could have been a few minutes or even a few hours. Time wasn't a relevant factor in this universe we had created for ourselves.

"Yes, yes Kendall cling on" I urged.

"But it's hard. With you here I feel stronger, but I still feel... I still feel myself slipping away"

I closed the gap between us then; nose's barely touching and hands still on hearts.

"Hold on Kendall. Hold on for me" I said quietly.

"I'm trying"

I brought my lips to his softly once more; cherishing this moment with everything I had left.

"James I'm cold, I'm so cold. I can't... I can't feel anything but the cold" He said ever so quietly against my lips.

"Hold on" I whispered into his hair as I put my arms around his body, holding him so tight he might break.

It felt like an eternity before he spoke again, but it didn't matter, I just held him closer and closer. As I held him images began to flash through my mind. When I first saw him right in this very doorway, his face lit in dim candlelight at dinner when he told me he liked me, our first kiss up against my car, how my heart felt when he placed light kisses down my bruised chest in bed, the look on his face when we made love; his face full of love and trust. Falling asleep with him in my arms on that second night and whispering into his ear '_I love you Kendall, and I'm never letting you go' _Nothing but the good bits.

_I'm never letting you go..._

"James..." He whispered. "James I think it's time"

"No!" I said fiercely, tightening my hold on him. "I am never letting you go"

"Eventually we all have to let go James... Let me go"

"I am not letting you go"

"Please James... I feel ready now. Having you here has meant everything to me, when you wake up I want you to hold this moment in your heart forever"

"I am not leaving you!" I cried, now leaning back far enough so I could grasp the sides of his face with my hands.

My hold on him began to loosen and whilst I knew I was holding him as hard as I could he felt like paper beneath my finger tips.

"James promise me you will fight, I just know someone is coming for you and you must hold on. I want to hold on but I think I've held on long enough now. This is what's meant to happen. Remember, this is my mistake, don't blame yourself for it"

"Kendall you must hold on too!" I sobbed, trying to pull him into my arms but just not being able to gather enough strength.

"James, I wouldn't trade anything for having the chance to have known you. I will cherish every moment we spent together forever, and no matter what happens to me now, I will never forget you"

"Kendall no... Please no... Hold on" I tried to say through my tears.

"You have to go back now James, you have to go and save yourself. Be strong for me" He said with tears falling down his perfect face.

"I don't want to wake up'

"But you will, and you must. Someone is coming to save you... someone is coming..."

"I can't lose you, I won't lose you"

"James..." He said softly, voice now so low I felt like he was walking away from me. "I love you"

"I love you too" I whispered in reply as I felt this state of mind crumble around me. "Wait... wait!" I cried suddenly, "Kendall don't go! Please! Stay with me!"

I could see him in my vision but no longer the clear image as if he were standing in front of me, his mouth opened to speak but he was struggling to form words. "I love you" He whispered once more.

Then the image was gone, the desk was gone, the paintings, the window, it was all gone. There was nothing but black... black emptiness.

* * *

**Logan P.O.V**

It didn't take long for Carlos to call half the town down and Logan was grateful the search and rescue team had caught up with him so fast, the prospect of searching for James and Kendall alone was daunting and far beyond his full mental capabilities at the moment. Any minute now he will have a nervous breakdown and fall apart on the forest floor. But not yet... not until he finds the two boys... dead or alive.

After what feels like all night Logan hears, "I'VE FOUND THEM!"

For a split second Logan stops, unable to comprehend what he has just heard. But before he has any real time to think it over he sprints in the direction he heard the man's voice, which is he guesses about 400 metres east.

Initially he feels an overwhelming sense of joy.

_Yes, oh yes thank you God. Thank you thank you thank _He repeats over and his mind as he runs, thanking a God he doesn't really believe in for finding James and Kendall.

However soon this feeling of joy makes way to pure dread.

Logan can't help but let his brain wander to the terrifying possibility... _Please, please have made it._

Logan see's a torch in the distance and he is now running so fast it's a wonder his legs don't fly out beneath him.

When he finally reaches his destination the sight before him is... horrid. Completely horrid.

James and Kendall are being half covered by the search and rescue man who discovered them but Logan see's enough in those first two seconds to see nothing but blood, ghost white skin and closed eyes... James' body is wrapped around Kendall's protectively but there is no life within James' limbs to be holding on as tight as Logan suspected he initially was.

"No no no no no" Logan cries as he throws his body at the two cold boys on the ground.

As a Doctor the rational part of Logan's brain tells him to start looking for pulses and a sign of life but the father part of his brain is telling him to do nothing but cry and seek the answers from another.

"Are they alive?" He begs through sobs to the man who found them who now has his radio out and is speaking so loud and fast Logan can barely hear.

"Dr Mitchell..." The man begins to say, voice full of pain and sorrow.

Logan doesn't dare look up into his eyes. His voice says it all.

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**Are they alive? Are they dead? WHO KNOWS! I know ;) **

**Also, was that real? Did Kendall and James really talk somewhere in the afterlife? Are they in limbo before death? Or is it all just a figment of James' unconscious imagination? WHO KNOWS! I know ;) And yes it will be explained. **

**I promise I promise I promise there will be no more guessing in the next chapter. Ok? I promise. **

**If I were to leave myself a review after this chapter it would say something along the lines of: OH MY GOD YOU BITCH! PLEASE JUST TELL US IF THEY DIE OR NOT! OR AT LEAST IF JAMES SURVIVES AND KENDALL DIES? YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!**

**So yes trust me, I know how you feel. But you should review anyway to let me know what you think of this because reviews make life better, they honestly do :)**


	15. The Pirate King

**A/N: Wow so here we go... THIS IS NOT THE END. Just let me say that right now, although you will be able to gather towards the end of this chapter that this story is not over! Because there is still so much more to write after this. **

**I have of course been reading all your reviews (which I love) and know how you feel about whether or not I would kill Kendall or James or both... ****So here we go. Here are your answers (some of them anway). **

**Enjoy! and review! x**

**P.S This story gets me so emotional. It's insane. Even though it's my own work and I know what's going to happen I still find myself having a little tear here and there. I'm crazy.**

**Oh and you will understand the title of the chapter "The Pirate King" within, it does make sense, and the way in which it was brought about had me choking up.**

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**Chapter 15 - The Pirate King.**

**Logan P.O.V**

"Dr Mitchell..." The man begins to say, voice full of pain and sorrow.

Logan doesn't dare look up into his eyes. His voice says it all.

"Dr Mitchell my name is Paul and you have listen to me, we have to move fast"

Logan snaps his head up, heart beginning to fill with hope.

"They're not dead?" He whispers, beginning to cry harder but now with happiness as he lies protectively over Kendall and James' bodies.

"Dr Mitchell wait..." Paul says sadly, "One of them... one of them hasn't made it. Which one is your son?"

Logan begins to feel his heart being torn in two; it is being ripped apart by an uncontrollable force of nature that has set its plan to destroy Logan's life. What has Logan ever done wrong? Hasn't he lived his life with sincerity, love and care for others? He almost doesn't want to answer Paul, afraid of what answers the man will hold.

As Logan stares at the two boys on the ground, vision blurry from tears he realised that fate was providing him with a choice; James or Kendall? Not that it was his choice to make. Immediately he thinks the dead boy must be Kendall, as he is the one who intended to end his life and Logan can clearly see the bloody wounds on the blonde boy's wrists but then his mind begins to wonder the other possibility. James has been out here for hours in nothing but a thin t-shirt, his jacket on Kendall and it is clear James had applied immediate forms of first aid on Kendall as Logan doesn't fail to notice the make shift bandages tied tightly around Kendall's wrists. So what if... what if Kendall has lost a lot of blood but body is holding on and James' body went into a state of shock, having no other solution but to shut down? Logan has read medical cases such as these before, were men and women could die in mere hours if they are trapped in conditions in which they are not will equipped. So who is it, Kendall or James?

"Logan, which one of these boys is your son?" Paul asks again, breaking Logan out of his trance.

Logan's throat is dry, hoarse and it is almost impossible to form words at this stage, but he manages to say, "Kendall, this one"

Logan then holds Kendall's icy cold hands in his own, signally to Paul which one Kendall is.

"Oh Logan..." Paul says with a heavy heart, placing one hand on Logan's shoulder. "I'm afraid... Kendall hasn't made it. I'm so sorry, Kendall is dead"

_Kendall is dead..._

An excruciating pain begins to pound on Logan's chest and he feels as if his vision is going black. He can't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. He won't believe it.

"No" Logan says in barely a whisper. "No... He can't be... He's not... I don't... No."

"I'm so sorry" Paul says again, squeezing Logan's shoulder tightly. "But Logan, James is still alive and we must save him"

A small wave of relief washes over Logan briefly at hearing that James is still alive but once his brain has registered that James will now be ok his heart switches back to the cold, dead blonde boy he loves so much who's hand is limp and lifeless within his own.

Logan notices Paul lifting a lifeless James into his arms and wrapping the two of them in a blanket. Being a Doctor Logan knows the procedure to treat hypothermia, that body to body heat is the fastest way to treat a victim and until they get more help from the rest of the search and rescue team there isn't much else they can do for James at the minute.

Logan shifts his position slightly so that he is sitting behind Kendall and lifts his son's body up so it feels as if Kendall is almost cradled in his arms.

"Kendall Kendall Kendall" He whispers as he begins to rock back and forth. "Please don't do this to me. You didn't even say goodbye." There is undeniable hurt in Logan's voice but there is no resentment for what Kendall has done.

"You'll always be my son Kendall" Logan says as he begins to cry. "You know, when I first met your Mother at the hospital I knew she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, it wasn't long until I was completely head over heels for her. She was caring, loving, smart, kind, beautiful... she was everything, and she still is. I'll never forget the day she nervously asked me if I wanted to meet her kids. At first I was hesitant, I was still young and children seemed completely out of the picture for me at that stage, I was only an intern and your Mum was already a surgeon. You know, you and James reminded me a lot of me and your Mother. I knew instantly she was older than me but it didn't matter, my heart wasn't concerned over such a silly thing as age. She was also incredibly popular at the hospital, everyone knew her and knew of her kindness and beauty so who was I? A shy, no name intern, but she saw past that. It was magic between us from the very first moment Kendall and I knew that no matter what happened or what obstacles we had to face that she was the woman I wanted to be with. That's how it was with you and James too, Kendall. I could just tell from that very first meeting in my surgery that for you it was like a dream come true but there was no denying that James had a spark in his eye for you, and then of course when you came home from after dinner it was as clear as day and I found myself thinking 'So, when should I book the wedding?''

Logan laughs quietly to himself but it is almost impossible to feel any sort of joy or happiness in this situation.

"So after dating for a while and both me and your Mum had pretty much decided we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, your Mother asked me if I wanted to meet you and Katie. I was so nervous; I kept thinking and in fact saying to Jen 'They're going to hate me'. I remember going over to her house in the afternoon, it was a Saturday and it was incredibly warm for Minnesota in February. Jen welcomed me with a big smile, we were both a bit nervous but she said she just knew that you were going to love me. You were playing in the backyard with a play sword I remember, swinging it around and claiming that you were 'King of The Pirates'. You were the cutest child I had ever seen, with messy blonde hair, green eyes exactly like your Mums and a big cheesy grin with adorable dimples, I fell in love with you instantly. When your Mum interrupted your playing and introduced me you gave me huge smile and extended your hand and said "Hello Mr Logan, my name is Kendall, but you have to call me The Pirate King if you want to play!" and I knelt down and said "Well Mr Pirate King, do I get a cool pirate name too?" to which you said "Sure! You can be... Pirate Captain!" And then I remember we played all afternoon, until the sun went down, creating adventures and sailing to faraway lands and you told me that one day you were going to sail the world and be the King of your own future"

Logan can't stop the tears that are now running freely down his face but he doesn't care.

"I'm so sorry things happened this way Kendall, but at least now you are at peace and you have travelled to a faraway land where you will always be The Pirate King, and one day I will join you and The Pirate Captain and The Pirate King will be reunited once more to conquer the world and save the day. I have always loved you like you were my own son Kendall and I always will."

Logan cries hysterically into Kendall's hair, knowing his words probably sound pathetic but they mean the world to him right now. If he can just cling on to these precious memories he will always feel connected to Kendall.

Logan notices silent tears fall down Pauls face, "I'm so sorry" Paul says, having heard all of Logan's story.

"Where are the others?" Logan asks softly, still well aware that James has a chance of life and will need to get proper medical attention as soon as possible.

"They shouldn't be long, they know where we are. You and I were quite a way east of everyone else though."

Logan nods but doesn't reply, instead clutching Kendall tighter knowing that there will only be a few more minutes before Kendall is taken away from him.

"I love you so much" Logan cries softly, unable to accept yet that his son has died. "What ever happened to never giving up? Following your dreams? Please Kendall, please"

Logan can hear the others now, fast approaching, but he won't let go. Eventually he feels hands on his shoulders and people shouting but he just holds Kendall tighter.

"Dr Mitchell please" He hears a man say sadly to his right, placing a hand on Logan's shoulder.

Logan however immediately shrugs the hand away, "No, I'm not leaving him"

"Logan we need to get him out of here on a stretcher, this isn't the place. We need to get James to the hospital and you have to come with us."

"Yes, please take James and save him, but leave me here with Kendall"

"So you can die as well? No. Don't leave your wife without a son and a husband"

Logan cries harder at the man's words, his wife's face in his mind. Losing Kendall was going to absolutely destroy her.

"You're right" Logan sobs, "Just give me one more minute"

The man nods his head and turns to help the others with James.

"Come on Kendall" Logan whispers. "Think of me, think of your Mum, think of Katie, think of Carlos, think of James. James isn't going to be able to live without you, you're his world Kendall I know you are. You can't leave James to face this world alone, I know he thinks he's strong but he's going to be lost without you." Logan begins to raise his volume and speaks directly into Kendall's ear, "James is still alive Kendall"

Logan has one hand placed on Kendall's heart and the other supporting his weight over his middle. He treasures these last few moments he has, sobbing quietly. He is going to miss Kendall, so much, and he doesn't think there will be a single day that will pass for the rest of his life where he won't shed a tear for the boy who he loves like a son. He will always treasure every moment they have shared, every hockey game, every adventure in the backyard, every laugh, every tear, every –

"Wait, wait" He murmurs, sitting up straight. "Everybody quiet for a second!" He yells, actually causing everyone to freeze from the shock of Logan's outburst.

He might be imagining it, going crazy from the heart crushing sadness but unless his palm on Kendall's heart decieves him...

"There's a heartbeat!" He practically screams, jumping like lightening so he is positioned over Kendall's body with his middle and index finger positioned on Kendall's pulse point on his neck and his ear hovering over Kendall's lips for any signs of breathing.

He is not imagining it, he is not going crazy, there is the faintest, faintest of pulses and Logan collapses onto Kendall's torso in hysterical tears.

"HE'S ALIVE!"

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**What do you think? ... **


	16. Death Is Hard, Living Is Harder

**A/N: And she returns with a new chapter! :) **

**Just a short one here, with a few different point of views and things. I'm also ending it in a terrible spot, so please don't hate me! **

**There's not too much to say, except that the "poem" of sorts in the italics at the beginning is my own words, not song lyrics, or some poem from the internet - it's all me baby. That's why it's probably not great! It's just a little drabble I thought of when thinking of Kendall.**

**Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always please review because it makes me happy :) You're all beautiful.**

* * *

**Chapter 16 - Death Is Hard - Living Is Harder.**

**Kendall.**

_In the darkness I wait, like a creature in the night hunting its prey.  
A never ending darkness, gripping onto my soul.  
Please let me surrender from the darkness, from the pain.  
Let me surrender from this sorrow that remains in my chest._

_There must be more to life than the darkness.  
More to life other than this pain that I feel will never leave.  
Let me leave. Let it end.  
In the darkness I wait, letting the black consume me until there is nothing left._

There is nothing, I feel nothing, I am nothing. I didn't think death was supposed to be like this. Wasn't the pain meant to stop? Wasn't I meant to be released from the pain and suffering? Why do I still feel like something, somewhere is keeping me hanging on?

Death wasn't meant to be like this.

I'm not sure when I realised that maybe in fact this wasn't death. It may have been somewhere in between the darkness, the hurt, the chest crushing pain and the screams that infiltrated my senses, but suddenly it was there, that tiny spark that told me; _you are alive_.

After I got that spark I decided to hold on, I didn't want to die. There was something else telling me to hold on... I know it's crazy but... James... no, definitely crazy.

James... I can't believe he had come for me. When I heard his voice call through the woods I thought Death's icy grip must have already taken a hold of me because there was no way James would know where to come looking... but he did. As he held me in his arms as I lay dying I decided to push any feelings of resentment aside, he shouldn't have to suffer more than what I was already putting him through and I didn't want our final moments together to be one's of hate, I wanted them to be one's of love. But now that I realise I am alive I... I don't know how to feel.

Death is hard, but living is harder.

* * *

**Logan.**

Logan smiled slightly at the site before his eyes. Some would say it was an image parents would not want to face, but Logan believes seeing his son in a hospital bed is an improvement from holding Kendall on the cold forest flood, covered in blood. It has been two days, maybe three, Logan is not too sure, he has barely left Kendall's side since he was admitted into hospital. It was chaos, complete and utter chaos. Logan can't decide whether or not the most stressful moment in his life was running to find Kendall and James in the woods or when the two were being transported to hospital. Both were hanging on by a thread and every minute that wasn't spent getting them to professional medical help was a minute that was left for the God's to decide.

The situation with James was tough to say the least. Of course his parents had been contacted and had showed up at the hospital. Logan feared a Doctor would have to actually inject Mrs Diamond just to get her to calm down, because both she and Mr Diamond had absolutely no clue as to who Kendall even was and the fact that their son had run for miles through the woods, risking his life to save a boy who was trying to commit suicide was a concept they were trying to get their heads around. Logan felt sorry for James, it was clear to the dark haired Doctor that explaining the situation to his parents was going to be tough for James but Logan already knew he was going to be there when the time was right.

James had awoken the morning after they had been brought to hospital, eyes wide and heart frantic. James and Kendall were in different areas of the hospital so when Logan got the message James had awoken he was sprinting to James' ward as fast as his legs would carry him.

"James, James" Logan had soothed once he made it to the brunettes side.

"What's happening? Where am I?" James asked frantically, trying to sit up but body rejecting the idea.

"James, you're in the hospital. We found you in the woods last night; you've suffered some pretty serious hypothermia that's why you're here. Your body went into shock from the whole ordeal and it was close to shutting down, but you held on." Logan says as he holds one of James' hands in his own.

As soon as Logan speaks his words James breaks down into a fit of uncontrollable tears.

"James, what is it?" Logan asks, now panicked.

"I can't believe I survived" James sobs, bringing his hand that isn't holding Logan's to his face.

"James why are you crying?" Logan asks softly, now sitting on the edge of James' bed.

"I c-can't, words don't even, L-Logan I'm so sorry"

Logan squeezes James' hand tight and is trying not to panic over James' now frantic episode of tears and body shaking sobs.

"You shouldn't have found me in the woods" James cries.

"Why on earth would you say that?" Logan says quietly.

"I wanted, I w-wanted to die with K-Kendall"

Logan is now beginning to panic at how traumatised James is, it's heartbreaking.

"James, James please listen to me" Logan urges, "James _Kendall isn't dead_"

* * *

**James.**

"James, James please listen to me" Logan tries to practically yell at me. But it's almost impossible to listen when I feel like someone is ripping apart my soul. I've awoken here, awoken in this hospital with Logan's hand in mine, wondering how I survived because as each minute passes the reality becomes clearer and clearer; I've lost Kendall. I've lost him and there's nothing that will ever bring him back. It's all my fault.

"James _Kendall isn't dead"_

I feel as if time stops, breathing stops, life stops.

"James did you hear me? Kendall is alive!" Logan pleads and I notice small tears now rolling down his cheeks.

"He's... he's not?" I choke, voice hoarse and dry.

"No James listen, you have to calm down"

It was at that moment I realised I was still crying uncontrollably, but I couldn't help it. Tears of sadness were slowly being replaced with tears of joy.

"Oh my god, oh my god" I sob into my arm that is covering my eyes.

Kendall is alive. I can't believe it. He died, he slipped through my fingers in my... And that's when I remembered. Slipping it unconsciousness, Logan's Doctors surgery, talking with Kendall, sharing our final moments together, him telling me I had to let him go and move on with my life. Was that real? Or was it indeed just a complete figment of my imagination?

"I have to go see him!" I said suddenly, trying to sit up but Logan's hands quickly on my shoulders to push me back down.

"No James" Logan soothes, "You need to rest. Kendall isn't awake."

"Has he woken up at all?"

"No, and we're not sure when he will. He lost _a lot _of blood. You're lucky you found him when you did and stopped the bleeding. If it wasn't for you James, Kendall would be dead"

"That's not true" I said in almost a whisper. "If it wasn't for me you would never have to worry about Kendall dying in the first place"

And it's true. I will never, _ever _forgive myself.

"James you listen to me" Logan says with a low but commanding voice, causing me to stare into his eyes. "This is not your fault. Kendall is very sick, and we will get him the help he needs."

"No, he's not. He doesn't need help, he just didn't need me"

"Yes James, he is. I've been a Doctor for a long time now and I hate to say this but with or without you this was bound to happen sooner or later. I should have seen it sooner, noticed something sooner... but eventually Kendall would have dealt with all his problems this way, it's a psychological cry for help, and an action which his brain will associate with for a long time. This isn't going to go away James. Even if you make him happy again and vow not to hurt him there's no saying that Kendall won't deal with other issues in this same way. He knows now that harming himself is a way to relieve that mental pain, and I know you may promise to never hurt him but it won't take much for him to be thrown off balance. A small fight, a seemingly non important argument... it will all get to him. Kendall needs help now more than ever."

I didn't want to believe his words, but deep down I knew he was right. But above all this, and possibly the most heart crushing thing of all is that I will never be right for Kendall, no matter what I do I will end up hurting him. I might not mean to, I will never intend to but something I say, something I do will touch him in a way that has his body screaming at himself to release the pain... and I won't put him through that.

* * *

It has now been three days since Kendall and I ended up in hospital and since I was given the ok to finally get out of bed I have barely left his side and neither has Logan. As I look to Logan I see him smile slightly and I can tell what he is thinking; he is happy his son his alive. And I am too; words will never describe how happy I am Kendall survived, but I am still anxious. Logan says I shouldn't stress too much over Kendall not being awake yet but it's kind of hard not to stress, I still feel like he could slip through my fingers at any minute.

I want to be here for him when he wakes up, I want him to look into my eyes and I know that I am never leaving his side any time soon. But it's the waiting that's killing me...

I've had a lot of time to think as I've been sitting here by Kendall's side. One of the biggest things that has been playing on my mind was brought about by my parents. They were completely beside themselves of course, my Mum hysterical. Not long after I had woken up Logan had told me they had been here but he sent them home to calm them down, but once I was awake they were back. It was... tense, to say the least. Questions, all I heard were questions.

"Who is Kendall?" "Why did he try and kill himself?" "Why did you run after him?" "Why did you put your own life on the line for someone you don't even know?"

And then of course followed the assumptions and guesses...

"It just seems like a lot for just a friend..." "If you wanted to tell us something you would, wouldn't you James?"

The problem was I was having a dilemma over what to tell them. Every time they tried to start a conversation with me I would claim I was tired and needed to rest, or telling them that now wasn't the time to talk and I had to be there for Kendall. I think that probably did it for them. I saw my Mum watch me as I held Kendall's hand yesterday and was caressing his face lightly with my fingertips. I guess that's not normal "friend" behaviour.

I'm scared, I'm so scared. I'm scared about coming out to my parents, I'm scared about my friends finding out, but I know that Kendall is worth it now; he is worth whatever life has to throw at me. There's no doubt that the whole story about what happened in the woods will be around town and school before I even have time to count to 10. I know that many of the search and rescue men have children at my school and it won't take long until the story of how Kendall Knight tried to commit suicide and James Diamond ran to save him, only to be discovered nearly dead as well and arms wrapped so tightly around Kendall's when they were found... yeah I wasn't stupid. Especially seeing as ever since I broke up with Sarah my sexuality and "relationship" with Kendall has been under scrutiny anyway.

I don't want to face any of this, but I'll try.

"James, you really should go home" Logan says softly, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Not yet. I just have a feeling, it's going to be soon" I replied, rubbing circled into the back of Kendall's hand with my thumb.

And that "feeling" was almost 3 hours and 25 minutes later when...

"J-James?" I heard Kendall say in whisper.

I snapped my head up from where I had been resting on the side of Kendall's bed and had to practically stop myself from lunging myself at him, however I did lean forward and place one hand gently on his cheek.

"Hi" I said with a small smile, looking deep into those emerald eyes that I had missed so much.

"Where... where am I?"

"The hospital" I replied softly.

"I didn't die" He says with a sigh, shutting his eyes and turning away from my gaze.

This is what I had feared, one of my deepest fears, that he would awake and regret having survived. It broke my heart. It also helped me realise that our "conversation" in Logan's surgery was all a dream. Although... it still felt so real.

"No Kendall, you didn't die. You returned to me" I said, adding slight volume to my voice so I knew he would be forced to hear my words and take them in.

"Where's Logan? My Mum? Katie?" Said Kendall, ignoring my words.

"They've all been here; your Mum took Katie home because it was almost getting to be too much for her though. Logan's still here, he actually slipped out not that long ago for some fresh air and water, he's hardly left your side"

"And neither have you?"

"No, I've been here since I woke up as well." I was now sitting on the edge of his bed, the urge to lie down and wrap my arms around him reaching a breaking point.

"Since you woke up?" He asked, eyes slightly confused.

"Yes, it took awhile for us to be found. I slipped into an unconscious state from the cold and the shock, but I'm fine"

"Oh James" He sighed, squeezing my hand gently.

"Do you want me to go get Logan?" I asked suddenly.

"No, not yet" He responded quietly, "I need to talk to you"

I swallowed; throat now feeling dry and stomach nervous. "Of course."

"I didn't want you to find me, and I wish you hadn't. You need to understand James, no matter what has happened and no matter how my heart feels; I will never forgive you for how you betrayed me"

_To be continued..._

* * *

**Don't stab me! Haha. But honestly, I want to hear your opinions. **

**And, the next chapter will pick up immediately from where this ends so really I'm just being a giant tease. **


	17. I Can't Make You Love Me

**A/N: I don't think words even begin to describe this chapter. It is short, but I think it's the saddest thing I've ever written. At one point I got so emotional I had to put my computer down and just walk away to clear my head.**

**I'm not going to be liked after this, I know. But please keep in mind, it's still not the end ok? I anticipate maybe 2 or 3 more chapters. **

**I love you all, whether or not you hate me :) **

**Please please please listen to the song "I Can't Make You Love Me" on YouTube by Bon Iver. There are a few different versions but the Bon Iver one is what I had on repeat whilst writing this - if you listen to it, it will add so much depth to the words I write and James sings it at the end.**

**Also, I realise that at some point Logan would probably come in or come back but for the purposes of the story he decided to go home and James and Kendall are alone for the night, ok? Oh and it's night time. **

**Now, on with the story...**

* * *

**Chapter 17 - I Can't Make You Love Me.**

**James.**

I feel my heart breaking, no shattering, in my chest. "Kendall..."

"Come here" He whispers, leading me by the hand onto the bed and under the covers. Our noses are inches apart and I can feel everything that he is on my breath.

For a while there are no words, just clasped hands and locked eyes. I want to stay like this forever; I don't want him to tell me we are over. I want to hold him, to love him, to cherish him, and never leave until he tells me to go. The problem is, he is telling me to go now and I don't know if my heart can handle that.

"Kendall..." I whispered after what felt like an eternity. "There are so many things I want to say to you, so many things I want you to know that I never got the chance to say..."

"I know this might sound insane" He whispered in return, "But I feel like I know. Like there's a voice in my head telling me we had a chance to say goodbye"

"Me too. There are words, feelings, emotions on the tip of my tongue that I feel happened in another time, another life, but they feel so real... maybe like dreams"

"Tell me something. Help me remember"

"I sang to you... and I feel like you know I did"

He simply stared at me for a few moments, eyes confused and full of pain before he began, "_Tonight you will sleep for good; you will wait for me, my love..."_

"And you did wait for me... somewhere; somehow you told me that you waited..."

"Don't cry" He whispered, leaning forward ever so slightly to kiss away the tears that were now beginning to roll down my face.

"I didn't want to let you go... I never want to let you go"

"I know you didn't. I know you love me... but it's not enough. As I lay dying I thought about my life, and everything that has happened and I have to focus on me James. I don't want to die"

"I can't make you love me if you won't" I whispered, silent tears getting caught in my throat.

"Please... please don't" He said as he closed his eyes softly, tears threatening to spill from their beautiful emerald encasing.

"I want you to know" I said silently as I placed one of my hands gently on the side of his face. "I want you to know that I will always hold you in my heart"

"And you will always own my heart" He responded, emerald eyes now shining with tears as they looked into my own.

"Is love... is love not enough?"

"I wish it was. I want to tell you that no matter what obstacles we have faced, no matter what has happened I want you in my life..."

"Then tell me that, please" I begged through tears.

"I want that to be true, I want those to be the words that leave my lips... but now that I have a second chance at life I must hold on"

"Can't you hold on with me?"

"James, you need to live your own life. I will only ever bring you down"

"No" I cried softly, "You will never bring me down"

"There is so much pain behind your eyes Jamie, and I know that that pain is never going to go away when you look into my eyes over what I have done. I want you to be free; I want you to live a life where you won't feel pain"

"A life without you is pain"

Kendall closed his eyes, tears now well and truly streaming down his face.

"Please Kendall, please let me love you. Let me show you all the love I have to offer"

"I can't accept your love. I'm so sorry" He sobbed quietly.

"I can't make your heart feel something it won't"

We lay like that for awhile, no words being spoken, just silent tears and linked fingers. I didn't want to believe it was over, after everything we had faced, but it was and I realised that now. Kendall has changed my life in ways I will never be able to put down in words, but it has changed me for the better. I want to hold onto these last moments we have together, to feel his hands in mine and foreheads rested together softly. Once I leave this bed everything that we were will be no more, I will leave Kendall's life and we will go our separate ways. Soon I will be graduating high school and I will move away from this town, this city, this state... move away from Kendall. And that's how it should be... but why is it so hard to say goodbye?

"Kendall" I said in a whisper, "Just let me hold you, for one more night. One more perfect night before the sun rises and everything we were ends. Please give me one more night of your love"

"You'll always have my love Jamie"

"But it's not enough"

"No..." He whispers through painful tears, "But hold me. Just one last time"

"I love you"

"I love you too, forever"

I closed my eyes and breathed him in, letting who he is consume me one last time.

"Please sing to me" He whispers against my lips, "I miss your voice"

I didn't respond with talk, instead I felt a song on my lips that was so perfect.

_Turn down the lights  
Turn down the bed  
Turn down these voices inside my head  
Lay down with me, tell me no lies_

_Just hold me close, don't patronize_  
_Don't patronize me._  
_I can't make you love me if you don't_  
_You can't make your heart feel something it won't_

_Here in the dark, in these final hours_  
_I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power_  
_But you don't, no you don't_  
_Cause I can't make you love me if you don't._  
_If you don't, no you won't._

_I'll close my eyes, then I won't see  
The love you don't feel when you're holding me  
Morning will come and I'll do what's right  
Just give me till then to give up this fight  
And I will give up this fight._

_Cause I can't make you love me if you don't_  
_I can't make your heart feel something it won't_

_Here in the dark, in these final hours_  
_I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power_  
_But you won't, no you won't_  
_I can't make you love me if you don't_  
_If you don't, no you won't._

"My heart will always belong to you Kendall" I whisper before sleep consumes me.

And that's how the night ends.

With silent tears, love, loss and a pain that will remain in my chest for as long as I shall live.

* * *

**:( I'm sorry. It's what Kendall wanted me to do and James just couldn't argue... *cries***


	18. You Could Be Happy

**A/N: Hey there my favourite people. Here I am with a new chapter. I'm pretty impressed I managed to get this one out. Just to get a little personal with you guys for a moment, I had to be taken to the hospital the other night after my parents calling 000 (same as 911) and it wasn't great. My heart was trying to give up on me for a minute there and Im only 20 for godsake, although I'm not very good with my health... I don't eat a lot and exercise too much and yeah... BUT I'm ok. After a nice night in the ER taking lots of tests and being injected with about 4 different shots and hooked up to this insane heart monitor I think Im all better (for now). Lots of different medication to take now and lots of doctors appointmets to attend, physical and psychological. Life hates me. But it meant I have been completely bed ridden so lot's of writing for me!**

**So here we go! :) I think after this there will be two more chapters. The next one will be the hockey game and then after that a little epilogue :) **

**Also if you guys have any questions about the story please don't hesitate to ask because the whole world is in my head for this fic, so even though I'll never write about something, like for example what Jo and Camille think about Kendall trying to commit suicide, it's still there in my brain, the conversation they would have and everything. So please ask me questions! I'm happy to respond. **

**Enjoy!**

**The title of this chapter is from the song "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol. Check it out! My music choices reflect the feel of the chapter oh and italics are flashbacks!**

* * *

**Chapter 18 - You Could Be Happy.**

**James.**

It hurts. It still does, everyday. But I've learned to live with it, slowly. It hasn't even been that long, maybe a month but it doesn't matter, it could be five years from now and it would still hurt. It's the last week of school, which could either be seen as a positive or a negative. End of school, end of high school... Time to move on with my life, move away, go to college, make something of myself, which i3s a good thing, right?

The morning after Kendall and I spent the night together there was a silent understanding between us. Actually to be honest I didn't really understand. Logan woke us up, with a soft smile on his face but that smile soon disappeared once Kendall and I both got up. There were no words, just an embrace. I looked at him and just knew that that was going to be the last opportunity I would ever get so I pulled him in close, clutching onto him for dear life as tears threatened to spill at the corner of my eyes. When I pulled back there were tears beginning to stain his cheeks and the urge to reach out and kiss the tears away was burning hot in my veins, but I resisted. Instead with one last longing glance I turned away, offering Logan a sad smile before I left the hospital. That was... tough.

Luckily after that it was Thanksgiving break so I didn't have to face school immediately but I did have to face something just as terrifying, my parents. They were at the hospital when I left Kendall's room and I knew they had seen us holding each other tightly in our sleep. I had already been discharged the night previous so I was free to leave straight away. My parents didn't say anything the whole way home; it was like waiting for a bomb to go off. And yes, that bomb did eventually go off.

xXxXx

_"James" My father said quietly as we walked through the door of our large three storey home._

_"I'm going to bed" I responded, voice cracking from my emotional pain._

_"No not yet, living room, now"_

_I groaned and reluctantly followed my parents._

_I felt like I was being interrogated by the way they sat opposite me, eyes full of speculation and anticipation. It was awkward to say the least._

_"James we need to talk about what happened. Dr Mitchell filled us in a little bit but he said it was really something we would have to hear from you. So please James, son, what happened? What is happening?"_

_I sighed and set my eyes downcast._

_"Honey please, we just want to help you" My Mum pleaded softly which had me scoffing internally. They wouldn't help or understand me at all._

_"Ok well, what do you want to know?"_

_"Who is Kendall Knight?" My Dad asked in a low voice._

_"He goes to Breck, he's a junior"_

_"Ok ... And how do you know him?"_

_Ugh this was painful. I really didn't need this right now._

_"Ok I'm just going to say it alright? Because I can see this conversation going on for hours"_

_They both nodded slowly and waited for me to continue._

_"We met back in early June, when I broke my rib. I met him at Logan's, Dr Mitchell's, surgery and... Well then I took him out for dinner and then um we went back to his place and..." I felt my throat beginning to close up from how uncomfortable it was from having to tell my parents this story and from the pain of having to retell our first, blissful night together. "We slept together"_

_I was staring at my hands in my lap; I couldn't bear to see their expressions. "The love was pretty instant, for both of us. I sort of just knew he was... the one. But I was stupid. I was ashamed, a coward, I didn't want to let anyone know about us. I let my pride get in the way of my true feelings. I'm not going to go into the details but basically I tore his heart apart and we were over as soon as we begun and then... well then he moved away. And that was fine, well it wasn't fine, but at least he could move on and forget about the pain I caused him. But then... Then he came back last week for Thanksgiving break. That's when everything blew up. Dak told him what I did and it was just awful. He screamed at me, telling me that no matter how much I had hurt him he still loved me and he always would but he never wanted to see me again and then he told me how he had coped with his emotional pain... by hurting himself. Then He ran away and I let him go but I soon realised that maybe when he said "goodbye" to me it was more than just moving back to New York. Long story short I found him in the woods and held him in my arms as he was dying. It wasn't long before I too lost consciousness because it was just so cold... I thought Kendall had died, it was horrid. The next thing I knew I woke up in hospital and I soon found out Kendall had lived... So basically Kendall and I fell in love and then because I'm such a cruel, heartless bastard he was driven to kill himself. When he woke up last night I tried talking to him, telling him I would never hurt him but he just held me close and said that he couldn't accept my love anymore and we both just had to move on after everything that's happened. He is the absolute love of my life and I've lost him." The tears were now streaming down my face as I buried my head in my hands. I heard my mum crying too but I didn't look up, I didn't want to see her face let alone my Dad's._

_"James..." My Dad began. "You are never to see him again, do you understand?"_

_I looked up at him then, looking through angry tears. He looked... I don't know... shocked, confused, angry, disappointed and even slight disgust... disgust in his own son, charming._

_"Honey does this mean you're gay?" My Mum whispered softly._

_"Yes Mum, I'm gay"_

_She buried her head in my Dad's shoulder and continued to cry harder._

_"Seeing as you'll be finishing school and moving far away from this Kendall kid shortly I'm not going to do anything drastic but you are not to see him do you understand? And once you go to college I don't want any of this gay nonsense"_

_"You can't stop me from liking men Dad; I can't help who I fall in love with"_

_"That's where you're wrong. Who do you think is going to be paying for Princeton next year? You will go to college, get a girlfriend and learn the ways of the corporate world so you can take over the family business when you're ready. Then you will get married to a woman and give me beautiful grandchildren. I swear to god James, if I hear of any funny business you will be cut off. Do I make myself clear?"_

_"Crystal clear" I muttered._

xXxXx

So things hadn't been great, to say the least. Of course I would defy him for Kendall, but what would be the point? Kendall didn't want me anyway so I would just end up losing everything in my life. Seeing Kendall back at school after the break was hard but I was proud of him. He could have so easily of run off again and not faced his problems, but he did. Of course I could see him suffering, it seemed _everyone _knew he tried to commit suicide, and I knew everywhere he went was accompanied with stares and whispers. The biggest question everyone had on their lips was: Why? Of course immediately all fingers pointed to none other than, well, me. Somehow though, some inexplicable way how, my actual involvement in the whole situation and my near death was a complete secret which I guess I had to be thankful for but it didn't stop me from being the main suspect in Kendall's depression. However they could point their fingers all they wanted but they didn't really know what I could have actually done, especially seeing as no one had the guts to come up to me and straight out ask: Are you gay? Were you and Kendall in love? To be completely honest with you if someone flat out asked me that I don't think I would deny it anymore but seeing as no one did, I kept my mouth shut.

Things were tense with my own friends, not that I think I could even call them that anymore. I hadn't spoken to Dak since before Thanksgiving and it seemed none of our other friends really wanted to speak to me because of how I beat the shit out of Dak at hockey training... whatever, I don't need them anyway. At least I was still captain of the hockey team and hockey was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment; that and studying for finals distracted my mind enough if only for a second. And speaking of hockey, our final match of the season was on... tonight; the final of the state-wide championships. That made me nervous enough for now.

Although despite the nerves and the distraction I couldn't help but let my heart suffer as I sat in the cafeteria at lunch, being a loser sitting by myself and staring at Kendall and his friends, which by the way I am really happy for him that he has that support network, but I want him and I need him. We have spoken once since the whole ordeal about two weeks ago and that was tough, thinking about it now makes me want to cry.

Fuck. I miss him so much.

* * *

**Kendall.**

"I wish you would just go and talk to him"

"No, Camille" I sighed, picking at the fruit on my plate which held no interest.

"But just look at him... he looks so sad" She replied with a frown, staring over my shoulder to where I knew James was sitting.

"Yeah and I'm sad too, so I really don't need that right now" I grumbled.

She was quiet then and so were Jo and Carlos. They were so frustrating; they kept treating me like I was going to suddenly whip out a knife at any second and just kill myself in front of the whole school.

The last month had been hard, maybe one of the hardest of my life. There were just a million things going on at once that sometimes were almost too much to bear. There was coming back to school and having the entire student body whispering about me behind my back and trying to get a sneak peak at the bandages wrapped around my wrists, there was therapy my parents were putting me through which was a complete and utter waste of time, there was crying myself to sleep every night from my heartache of missing James and having to see him every day and then above all that there was that burning desire within my veins to cut when things got hard... and things were always hard. I hadn't been perfect since being released from hospital, I mean sure my parents pretty much locked up and hid everything sharp in the house but that didn't stop me one night going to the nearest drug store and buying a pack of razors. That was a hard day to say the least. James had bumped into me coming out of a classroom by pure coincidence which sent both of us and our books flying to the ground.

xXxX

_"Ow" I muttered, not knowing who had just came practically running out of the science labs in the middle of a class and smashed me into the ground, but being the person I was I felt the need to apologise, especially seeing as I myself wasn't supposed to be there. The mystery person was probably expecting the hallways to be deserted._

_"Sorry about that" I groaned, head still down and trying to collect all my books._

_The person wasn't replying to me or apologising back... rude._

_"Are you –"_

_I stopped everything, even breathing. There he was, right in front of me, close enough to touch. He was staring at me wide eyed and at a loss for words, hazel eyes filled with pain. I'd seen him before since that last night together at the hospital, but not like this, not so close._

_"Are you ok?" He said softly, picking up my books with his and standing up straight._

_He probably noticed I was still frozen on the ground so he extended a hand to help me up. I took it shyly and tried to ignore the connection that pulsed within my veins as our skin touched. Once I was now standing and standing directly in front of him I tried to release my hand but he wouldn't let me go._

_"James..." I said softly._

_"I've missed you" He whispered, squeezing my hand gently._

_"I've missed you too"_

_He smiled sadly at me then, looking as if he was fighting back tears. "What are you doing out of class?"_

_"I just... I just needed to breathe. Clear my head."_

_"Same. Kendall... you're" He struggled to say, "You're all I ever think about and I just miss you so much and I can't stop loving you and I don't know what do and –"_

_"Stop" I whispered, lifting a hand to touch the side of his face gently. "Please don't. This only makes it hurt more."_

_"I'm sorry. How... how have you been? Are you alright?" He asked tentatively, using his thumb clasped around my hand to rub small circles into the bandages on my wrist, his face full of concern and sadness._

_"I haven't tried to kill myself again if that's what you're asking"_

_"Kendall..." He sighed, voice full of pain. "Are you coping alright? With school and everything?"_

_"Not really, it's hard. It just sucks having everyone stare at you wherever you go, whispers and rumours flying around. No one has actually asked me what happened though, well apart from my friends of course."_

_"Do they know what happened?"_

_"Yes. Well Carlos knew straight away because he came to the house just after we went missing. Jo and Camille came and visited me in hospital after... after you left and I sort of just broke down and told them the entire story... I'm sorry"_

_"No, please don't be sorry. They deserve to know"_

_"So you're not freaking out that the whole school is going to find out? Wouldn't want to hurt your image or anything"_

_"Kendall it's not like that. If someone asks me I'm not going to lie, I will tell them the truth. But no one talks to me anymore"_

_"I'll see it when I believe it" I whispered with a soft smile._

_"Kendall... please, give me another chance" He pleaded suddenly._

_"I can't" I replied, swallowing down the lump in my throat. "What did your parents say?"_

_"Hmm" He groaned, anger flashing across his features. "I told them the whole story, pretty much from beginning to end and told them how much you mean to me. My Mum just cried and my Dad... well my Dad said I would have to knock of the "gay nonsense" and if there were to be any "funny business" between now and at College he would cut me off and not pay for Princeton"_

_I bowed my head and let out a sigh. This was exactly the reason I had to end things, I had to protect him. "I'm sorry James"_

_"Don't be. You have to know Kendall; if you were to let me I would scream to the whole world you are mine, forgot my Dad and his money"_

_"James..." I sighed, looking up once more and staring into his deep hazel pools. "I don't want you to do that, you need to have a future and with me you can't"_

_"I don't like the sound of a future without you though..." He said softly as he brought up our still connected hands to his lips and kissed the back of my hand gently, lips slowly moving up and placing the lightest of kiss on my bandaged wrist._

_"Don't..." I choked, "Don't say things like that, it makes it worse"_

_"I'm sorry Kendall, but I love you. And despite what anyone says or whatever my Dad makes me do it's not going to stop me from loving you"_

_"I have to go" I said quickly, finally releasing our hands and taking my books from him._

_"Kendall please, can't we just talk about this once more?"_

_"The talking's done, I'm sorry. Now please, go." I wanted to sound brave but my voice broke._

_"Remember Kendall" He said as he leaned in close so his lips were hovering just next to my ear, "I would scream to the world, if you let me"_

_I suppressed a sob and turned quickly on my heel, walking away at a fast pace to leave as soon as I could._

xXxXx

I hadn't meant to cut that night, I had intended to go straight home from school but the minute I passed the drug store I felt that pull, drawing me in and telling me this was what needed to happen. I'd like to be able to tell you specifically why I felt like it helped but I can't. I guess the only way I can explain it is it's just the only way I feel like I have a grip on reality when life pushes down on me. The words he had spoken kept rolling around and around in my head and I wanted to forget them, forget him, but he was making it hard. As I dragged the sharp razor blade across my skin I focused on the way the blood splattered on the bathroom counter beneath, big red dots painting the clear surface. I focused on the sting of the cut, not the sting of my heart... and it helped. Like before I knew it was idiotic of me but for some reason that didn't stop. The worst part though was I already had such bad cuts that were stitched up from the woods and I basically undid the stitches and went deeper. I swear I didn't want to kill myself that time though...

Luckily Logan found me; I think I was about a minute or two away from collapsing on the bathroom floor, which would not have been great. He was absolutely beside himself, as was my Mum. They both spent all night crying and yelling and it just wasn't great. The next day I had to skip school to go and get my stitches resewn which hurt like a mother fucking bitch, but it's my own fault so whatever.

I think the worst part about doing that again to myself was the disappointment I saw in my parents eyes. It was almost crippling to have to look at them and see their trust me in me diminish. So basically for the last couple of weeks I have been on 24/7 suicide watch, which is ridiculous.

"Hey buddy, want to do something after school?" Carlos asked, causing me to jump slightly as I had been completely lost in thought.

"Yeah sure what were you thinking?"

"Um... You don't have to come, but I was thinking we should go to the hockey final" He said nervously.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Yep, I wanna go."

"Are you... are you sure?"

"Yes" I replied with a small smile, opening my eyes to look at him. "I'll be fine, I promise"

We smiled at each other softly and I continued to look down at my food. I saw out of the corner of my eye him turn his head subtly and look at James; well I assumed he was looking at James as when he turned back around he looked incredibly sad.

I couldn't help myself, I just had to look, just one small glance and everything will be ok, right?

I cocked my head to the side discreetly, letting my eyes roam until they landed on him.

Fuck. I miss him so much.

* * *

**The hockey game is already written in my mind and it's going to be epic! **


	19. Now or Never

**A/N: I don't think I've ever been so nervous about uploading a chapter in my life. **

**It's all been leading to this. **

**Here we are.**

***runs and hides***

**I really, _really _hope you like it. I'm so worried about it. I just have to go calm down now.**

**This is basically the end, BUT there will be one more chapter after this, an epilogue to tie up all the loose strings :) Although I may fall in love with that and write a sequel ;)**

**Thank you so so so much to everyone who has reviewed and favourited and everything! I love you all so much. x**

**Disclaimer: Epic song I have used this chapter. Echo by Jason Walker. Please listen to it, it will change your life.**

* * *

**Chapter 19 - Now or Never.**

**No one's P.O.V**

_Listen, Listen_  
_I would take a whisper if t__hat's all you have to give_  
_But it isn't, isn't_  
_You could come and save me_  
_Try to chase it crazy right out of my head_

"Are you sure you're going to be ok?" Carlos asks nervously as he watches Kendall pace back and forth in his bedroom.

"Yes Carlos, I'll be fine" Kendall sighs in return, now digging through his dresser for something to wear.

"But it might be tough... seeing him and everything"

"Carlos I see him everyday"

"I know, but it's just... Kendall can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

"Well..." Carlos doesn't really know how to begin; he's had so many burning questions he's wanted to ask Kendall since the whole woods tragedy but he just hasn't had the courage to ask them.

"Carlos, just ask."

"Well, I know that James went running after you... and Logan told me he didn't leave your side at the hospital... and it's obvious he misses you like crazy and you miss him like crazy too so... why won't you be with him?"

Kendall stops in his tracks, his outfit choice forgotten.

"I just... I can't" Kendall says slowly.

"But why?" Carlos asks nervously.

Kendall lets out a long breath and takes a seat next to Carlos on his bed but doesn't dare to look at his best friend.

"You're right" Kendall says softly, "I do miss him like crazy"

"But –"

"But it's not that easy Carlos. He drove me to kill myself... does that not mean anything?"

"I thought you said that you didn't blame him for that?"

"And I don't" Kendall sighs in frustration, but not at Carlos, at himself. "It's just... who's to say it won't happen again? Who's to say he won't break my heart all over again and we end back to square one. And besides, he is absolutely ridden with guilt; I don't think he will ever forgive himself for what happened"

"Then you should be with him, to let him know that it's not his fault"

"He wouldn't listen. I know... I know he loves me ok? I realise that now but I just... I can't give my heart to him again"

"But Kendall you're fucking miserable, I know you want him back"

"Of course I want him back!" Kendall suddenly yells, turning to face Carlos with angry eyes. "I miss him more than words will ever be able to say but I just... I just..."

"Just what Kendall!" Carlos is angry now too, it's contagious.

"I LOVE HIM! I love him so much that it hurts me and I hate that, I don't want to let someone affect me so deeply. And I know, I just _know _if I get back together with him it's going to end badly!"

"Jesus Christ Kendall! You're never going to be with anyone if you think like that!"

"It's not just me though! I spoke to him the other week... and he told me that his Dad said he would be completely cut off and his parents wouldn't pay for college if he was in a relationship with me"

"That's horrible, I get that, but I feel like James would risk all that just to be with you, he nearly _died _for you Kendall"

"Look I know that ok? And I know he would risk it all... but I don't want him too! I can't let him throw away his future for me"

"James doesn't need his parents Kendall, there's always scholarships and student assist"

"But just think about it... in about three months time James is going to be moving to Princeton, New Jersey, and I will be here in Minnesota so we couldn't make it work anyway"

"You could always move back to New York?"

"No Carlos. I'm not moving to New York. I just need to let him live his life. Besides, you never wanted us to be together anyway"

"Kendall... you and James need to be together. I don't think everything will be right in the world until the two of you are together..."

Kendall squeezes his eyes shut and let's a few tears escape before he opens his mouth to speak once more. "Let's go the game"

"But Kendall –"

"No, we're going to the game now." Kendall stands then, quickly pulling a clean plaid shirt out of his dresser and throwing it on.

Carlos releases a soft sigh as he watches Kendall walk out of the room.

"They're meant to be together" He whispers to himself before shaking his head and standing to leave with Kendall.

* * *

_Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright_  
_But it's never enough_  
_Cause my echo, echo_  
_Is the only voice coming back_

James is like a God on the ice, but everyone knows this. He flies, he soars, and he takes complete hold of the game so all anyone can do is stop and stare and bask in the wonder that is James Diamond. His precision his flawless, his strength is flawless, his captaincy is flawless, _he _is flawless; and I know this of course.

I can't take my eyes of him, I try but I just can't. He controls the game and no matter what help he has from his teammates he is in charge and no one is going to take that away from him. The game is close; Breck in the lead by just one point and 10 minutes left of the clock, and this is where the game starts to get interesting.

I can feel Carlos' eyes on me, he is dedicating half his attention to the game and half is attention to me. I should be bothered by our small argument back at my house but I don't have any strength within me anymore to hold a grudge on these things. But I meant what I said; I don't think I will ever be able to give my heart to James... I just... I just can't. Being here is hard, I told Carlos I was ok with it but now I'm not so sure.

I love him... damn it all to hell I love him. Why did my heart have to do this? Why did my heart have to take this leap? It should have asked me first. I'd like to say I wish I'd never fallen for James but that's not true, James is the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I have to let go. I can't draw this out any longer. He needs to go to college and move on with his life, forget me.

I love him. But I have to let him go.

I have to.

But why can't I?

Five minutes to go now and the scores are tied. The game is getting brutal; it's getting hard to keep track of how many people are being smashed into the boards in the space of a minute. I can see the stress on James' face, I know it's there. Hockey, this game, his future, they mean everything to him and I know how he plays now will impact on that. I don't know if this would still be the case but he told me all those months ago that if they made the finals the coach was going to try organising a hockey scout from Princeton to come watch them play.

In the last minute of the game James calls a time out, with scores tied and the stress levels through the roof I see the team huddle around James, looking to him and hanging off his every word.

I thought I could do this but I can't. The emotions get to be too much, I can't stand this. I wish the best for James; I wish him hope, health, life, dreams, happiness and above all love. I want James to be happy and I want him to be loved, he needs to be loved. I wish it could have been me but it's too late now, it's all too late and that's ok... One day I will cope with the fact that I could have had something so perfect but in the end it was never destined to be. I should never have let him go... but I had to. He needs a life, and with me he will never have that. I need to let him go.

"Carlos" I said over the cheers.

"Yeah buddy?"

"I thought... I thought I could do this but I can't"

He looks at me with sad yet understanding eyes. "I understand. Want me to come with you?"

"No, it's fine. Just... just tell me how it goes ok?"

Carlos throws his arms around me quickly, holding me tight. "Love you bro"

"Love you too" I smile into his shoulder.

With one last smile exchanged between the two of us I turn to leave, pushing past the people in my row before beginning to ascend up the stairs. I spare James one last glance and see him looking my way.

I'll miss him. But I wish him the best.

* * *

**James.**

"Ref! TIME!" I yelled over the noise.

The ref blew his whistle and I see the team skate over to me quickly. This is kind of like a tradition of mine as captain, to call a time with mere minutes left to regain the group and pump us up for what is to come. This moment is crucial and nothing can break us now.

"What's the plan of attack Diamond?"

"Alright guys" I said with an air of captain confidence as my team gathers around me on the ice. "This is it, what we've all been waiting for"

I know half the team hate me but I don't care, right now all that matters is the game and I am the captain, and a brilliant one at that, they have to trust me now.

"I know this year has been tough for all of us..." I said as I swallowed the lump in my throat. "There have been injuries, losses, and just generally fuck up after fuck up but right now this is it. It's time to lay everything on the line and just go for it because... because well sometimes we have to do what we know is right and fuck what anyone else thinks..."

"Ahh... James are we still talking about hockey?" A member of the team asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, hockey" I said, shaking my head in frustration. "It's now or never, no looking back. Let's go out there and win this thing, it's the last game we will ever play at Breck so let's make it count, let's make every minute count. It's, it's now or never"

Now or never...

Time froze for a second as I took it all in. My teammates, staring at me with hope in their eyes and fire in their veins. I share their hope and their fire... but for something different.

I realised in that second that I don't care what Kendall says, I don't care what anyone says or anyone thinks, this is not some huge realisation but I know now... I know now that love can conquer anything. It has to conquer everything right? I don't want to live without Kendall, I can't. He is more important to me than anything and I am not going to lose that.

I looked over to the stands, to take in everyone and everything. This is it, end of school, end of hockey, end of a life I have known for so long now. I see Coach Skinner, pacing back and forth on the sidelines, looking as if he is ready to rip his hair out. I see the hockey scout Coach Skinner brought in from Princeton. I see my parents, sitting right near the player's box, staring at me with calculating eyes and then... then I see him. I would notice that plaid shirt anywhere; it's the same one he was wearing the night we first met. He's leaving; I can see him step out onto the stairs as he begins to climb but not before looking at me for one last time. This is his goodbye for him, I know it is.

But no more goodbyes, not this time.

"Diamond?" Dak says loudly, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Zevon" I replied, taking off my helmet and staring into his dark green eyes. "It's your turn now. Give them hell"

I spun quickly, skating off the ice as quick as my legs can take me.

I can hear them yell my name; positively stare at me in confusion. As I fly off the ice I rip my skates off my feet, throwing them, my stick and my helmet to the side.

The team is in shock, the coach is in shock, the crowd is in shock.

I stare at Kendall with his back turned to the commotion as he walks slowly up the stairs.

"JAMES!" My father bellows, grabbing me by the arm as I start to climb the stairs. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK OUT THERE!"

"No Dad" I said quietly, yanking my arm from his grasp.

I can hear him continue to scream as I bound up the steps, taking two at a time, but I don't care.

"Kendall!" I yell, grabbing him by the shoulder and forcing him to spin around to stare at me.

"J-James? What are you doing?" He gasps, looking around at the crowd and the players on the ice.

But there is no one, there is nothing but him and his dirty blonde hair, and his crazy eyebrows, and his dimples, and those beautiful bottle green eyes and that tiny little gap in his front teeth I noticed that very first night. There is nothing but him.

"Kendall" I breathed, placing two hands on the side of his face. "I should have listened to my heart from the beginning. My heart knew what was best. I love you Kendall Knight, I love you with every inch of my heart and I am never letting you get away from me again."

I brought his lips to mine, and felt my heart explode beneath the simple touch. This is love, everything we are, everything we are going to be is love. His hands found my waist and pulled me in close. I felt tears reach our joined lips and pulled back to stare him dead in the eye.

"I love you too James Diamond" He said softly against my lips, tears falling down his perfect face. "Never let me go ever again"

"I never should have in the beginning" I whispered, kissing him softly once more. "Kendall Knight, from the very first moment I laid eyes on you... you had me under your spell"

"I love you" He whispered, a smile on his face and tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Forever" I whispered in return, connecting our lips once more.

_I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming your name  
Like a fool at the top of my lungs.  
Can anybody hear me?_

_You're my echo._

* * *

**... So? :)**


	20. Two Hearts As One

**A/N: WOO HOO! Here we are... the end... *sobs* Well not really the end... sort of the end... I'll explain at the bottom :P**

**This is set about 2 months after the hockey game, basically James and Kendall have had their summer together with Christmas and New Years. Oh well techincally it would be winter in America... But anyway James has graduated and now here we are in a brand new year :) **

**There's a flashback, which I didn't put all in italics because it's quite long and italics can be frustrating to read, so just the first and last line of the flashback are in italics.**

**What else... if you have any questions about something you feel I didn't explain or something you just generally want to know ask me in a review or send me a message! :D I'm more than happy to help you out.**

**Now here is for the thank you ramble :) The biggest thank you in the entire world to every single person who read this story and stuck with it :) To all my reviewers, everyone who favourited; just everyone really! You're all so great and it means so much that you put the time in to read my work :) **

**A big thank you to "lostdancer51" (Alexandria my new Twitter friend :P) for helping me out with a few bits and bobs, she's awesome! And my new best friend *virtual hug* **

**And OH MY GOODNESS! I was stalking tumblr today, as I do everyday, just searching "Kames" for some good stuff and I saw someone had posted about my story on their tumblr! SHOW YOURSELF! :D :D Seriously you mystery person, you made my whole fucking year! :D I fangirled when I was just scrolling the dashboard and saw it! I love you! Seriously please tell me who you are so I can rape you with kindess over the internet :D Sounds weird... :P but yeah I don't have a tumblr personally, I just stalk other peoples. BUT I LOVE YOU MYSTERY PERSON! XXXXXXXXX**

**So if you read all that... I applaud you! :P **

**There will be a second A/N down the bottom which will reference a... sequel ;) **

**Please read now and enjoy and know that I love you :)**

**Ooh disclaimer: Arms by Christina Perri because it's awesome and (prepare yourself for cliche) the 1st Corinthians verse from the bible. Not that I am religious... But it's beautiful anyway. :)**

* * *

**Epilogue - Two Hearts As One. **

"Tell me again" Kendall whispers in the darkness.

"Where should I start?" James whispers in return, their noses almost touching as they lay in bed, hands clasped and legs entwined.

"I don't care; I just want to hear it"

"Ok. There once was a boy and his name was James Diamond, and his life changed when he broke his rib because he met the love of his life, another boy named Kendall Knight. James knew Kendall was special, it was clear in the first five seconds to James that Kendall was meant for him... but there was a problem"

"And what problem was that?"

"James was... well James was incredibly silly for awhile. James believed that what others thought of him was more important than what your heart wanted; he let his head rule over his heart, but that wasn't the only reason he was silly. You see... you see he loved Kendall so much and that scared him. James had never given so much of his heart to one person and that was terrifying, so he tried to push Kendall away"

"How did he do that?"

"James kissed someone else..."

Kendall shuts his eyes softly and takes a deep breath before James continues to speak. "It was incredibly stupid of him and James will never forgive himself for making that mistake"

Kendall opens his mouth to interrupt but James stops him. "And James knows what Kendall thinks, but it doesn't matter"

"So what happened next?"

"James tried to push Kendall away and he succeeded, leaving James heartbroken and alone as the love of his life moved out of his life"

Kendall places a hand lightly on James' cheek, using his thumb to stroke softly across James' cheekbone.

"James spent many months crying himself to sleep over letting the love of his life walk away and couldn't do anything to move on. Then Kendall came back and that's when things took a turn for the worse. You see... James learned that Kendall had been doing something very silly himself whilst away and it shattered James' heart... Kendall had been hurting himself"

Kendall gave James a small sad smile before the tall pretty boy continued. "After learning of James' betrayal Kendall was driven to such a point where he felt he couldn't handle the pain anymore... When James found Kendall close to death on the forest floor he felt his world begin to crumble, the pain James felt in that moment is something that will never be able to be put into words, something he will never truly be able to get someone else to understand because it was just a pain so strong"

Kendall leans forward and places a light kiss to James' lips. "Hearing and knowing that breaks Kendall's heart"

James kisses Kendall softly once more before pulling back slightly to stare into the shinning emerald eyes he loves so much. "James wants Kendall to know that the thought of losing him is something he never wishes to go through again and for as long as he lives he will protect and care for Kendall, making _sure _it doesn't happen"

"It won't" Kendall whispers. "So what happens next?"

"Well" James continues, "James soon succumbed to the darkness too and in the darkness he... well he spoke to Kendall. Kendall and James have spoken about it since then and they have both decided that somewhere, somehow the conversation took place, because they remember the conversation they had like a dream... the final goodbye they thought they needed to have"

Kendall nodded, still stroking James' cheek lightly with his finger tips.

"It will never make much sense how it is even possible... but they both just know that they got that chance to say 'I love you' one last time didn't they?" Kendall asks softly.

"Yep" James smiles, "James will always be thankful to fate for being given that opportunity. Luckily though, fate was giving them both one more chance and thankfully both survived."

"But then it was Kendall's chance to do something silly wasn't it?"

James frowns slightly, thinking about the question Kendall has posed. "Sort of. For you see James wanted Kendall back and he believed that after everything they had been through it wouldn't be a problem... but Kendall was strong and he wasn't going to give up without a fight"

"Kendall was pretty stupid" Kendall sighed, "He should have taken James back right then and there"

"Maybe... but maybe not. James and Kendall spent a month apart and I think that was a very important month for James because he truly did realise what was most important in his life and it took one of the most important moments of his life to realise that. He thought that school, friends, his parents, hockey... he thought they were all more important than love"

"Not that they're not important though" Kendall interjects.

"No..." James smiles, "But James decided that they didn't matter, as long as he has Kendall by his side"

"So what did James do then?" Kendall replies with a smile, obviously knowing what is coming next.

"James dropped everything, his heart figured it out, and all he wanted was Kendall, so he left the game and left his past and went to win his love back"

Kendall is still smiling; this is his favourite part of the story.

"So James put it all on the line, he ignored his teammates, he ignored his coach and even his parents and went to Kendall. He confessed his love in front of the whole school and eagerly awaited Kendall's response. And luckily Kendall finally accepted his love and they sealed it with a kiss, for the whole world to see"

"Awwwwww" Kendall coos with a grin, leaning forward to kiss James passionately.

"But" James clicks, regrettably pulling away from Kendall. "Don't you want to hear the rest of the story?"

Kendall's brow furrows softly as he looks at James. "But... I don't really like the story after that"

"You said you wanted to hear the whole story... and besides, you know it eventually has a happy ending"

"Ok, you're right, please continue" Kendall sighs.

"So let's see... James declared his love for Kendall and Kendall accepted him and they sealed it with a kiss and everything seemed right in the world once more."

"But..."

"But in every story there is a villain, and in this story his name is Andrew Diamond"

Kendall made a small noise in the back of his throat that almost sounded like a growl of displeasure.

"Settle." James smiles, placing a light kiss to Kendall's cheek.

"Sorry" Kendall sighs, "It just makes me mad that's all"

"Makes me mad too baby, but it's ok. Can I keep going?"

Kendall simply nods, holding James' hand tightly in his own.

"So yes there was a man named Andrew Diamond and well... he didn't really like the fact James and Kendall were kissing in front of the whole school and also the fact that James had just abandoned the hockey game"

"But the team won anyway"

"Yep, they sure did. They didn't need James" James smiles and Kendall rolls his eyes slightly. They both know the team wouldn't have been in any state to win at all if James hadn't played 99% of it.

"So the team won and everyone was cheering, well they started cheering after eventually being able to rip their eyes away from James and Kendall. James and Kendall were lost in their own world though, as far as they were concerned they were alone and all that mattered was each other, but then that's when the villain takes his cue"

James pauses for a second as the memory of his father after the game begins to enter his mind.

_"I love you" Kendall whispered, a smile on his face and tears rolling down his cheeks._

"Forever" I whispered in return, connecting our lips once more.

The kiss was suddenly cut short though by a pair of strong hands grabbing me from behind and practically ripping me away from Kendall.

"JAMES PHILLIP DIAMOND!" My Dad bellowed which had almost everyone looking at us if they weren't already.

Part of me should have been more terrified but I knew this was going to be coming and I had prepared... sort of.

"James you are going down there to apologise to the Princeton scout right now!" He hissed, grabbing me by the elbow. "And you!" He yelled, turning his attention to Kendall who was standing there, wide eyed and in shock. "You keep the hell away from my son, if I ever see you near him I swear to god I will rip your fucking throat out!"

I think I may have punched more people in the past year than most people had a in a normal lifetime but at least now I had a good excuse as my fist connected hard with my Dad's face. It had the desired effect, he was definitely taken by surprise at least as he stumbled backwards and clutched the side of his face with his hand.

"You little cunt!" He yelled, lunging at me quickly.

I braced myself for the impact and closed my eyes but was surprised when I felt nothing.

"ENOUGH!" A familiar voice yelled.

"Dad?" I heard Kendall say in disbelief. "What are you doing here?"

"Well first and foremost I wanted to see the game, but then most importantly... Kendall I don't want you alone for too long" Logan replied.

Kendall rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, I had to guess he was on some sort of suicide watch or something, which honestly wasn't a bad idea, I'd be doing the same if I were Logan.

"Excuse me!" My father growled, "I'm sorry Mr Mitchell but this has nothing to do with you!"

"Do you not see my son standing right there?"

"How you can even stand to call him your son after all his done?" Andrew Diamond spat.

I lunged forward again, the anger building up within me reaching its breaking point, but unfortunately Logan got in the way. He's smaller than me but shit he's strong.

"Enough of this! James, you go to the locker room and get changed and then meet us outside, everyone else, with me!" Logan commanded.

"Can I go with him?" Kendall asked.

My immediate response was to reach for his hand and bring us both down to the change room, maybe for some much needed kisses but instead unsurprisingly Andrew grabbed my elbow before Kendall's hand found mine and in fact even Logan was opposed.

"If he goes with you you'll never come back, so James hurry up" Logan said sternly.

xXxXx

I exited out of the sports centre with my bag over my shoulder and no longer smelling like someone died on me. To prolong to inevitable doom that was to come I took a quick shower, then taking my time to get dressed and even comb my hair. It didn't take long to find out where everyone had gone, I heard them before I saw them.

"JAMES LOVES ME! ARE YOU GOING TO STOP HIM FROM BEING IN LOVE?" I heard Kendall shout.

"JAMES DOESNT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS! You seduced him and made him confused and then when you tried to kill yourself he felt guilty! All you are is guilt for James! He just doesn't want to have your death on his hands! He doesn't care about you!" I felt that anger beginning to rise up within me again as I rounded the corner to the empty back parking lot.

"That's not true!" I shouted. "I love Kendall Dad! He didn't seduce me or whatever the fuck you think, if anything _I_ seduced _him_!"

My Dad literally gagged at that but whatever. "I love Kendall with everything I am and he's not just some guilty conscious I'm trying to clear! I love him for everything he is and no matter what I am going to stick by him!" I walked over to Kendall then, dropping my bag to the ground and taking his hand in mine.

"Well you know what this means then?" Andrew said with a smug smile. "No more money, no more hockey, and no more college and in fact... No more house. Consider yourself officially homeless now James"

"Now hold on one second!" Logan interrupted before I could retort. "You can't kick your own son out of your home!"

"Well if I'm not mistaken Doctor he is 18 so I can do whatever the hell I want"

I looked to Kendall and he was staring straight at me. I could see the concern written all over his face. Sure the prospect didn't sound great; no money... no school... no home... But I would sort something out. Maybe I could appeal to my Mum. Brooke Diamond had to have some heart left in her.

Whilst Logan and Andrew continued to argue with one another Kendall leaned in and whispered in my ear. "James I know you said you're willing to risk it all for me but I don't think I can let you do this"

"Kendall its fine" I whispered back. "I don't care where I am or how much money I have, as long as I'm with you"

"I love you so much" He said softly, placing his free hand on the side of my face and leaning forward to kiss me gently.

"No! No no none of that!" Andrew yelled angrily, causing Kendall and I to break away from one another.

"Mr Diamond!" Logan yelled in response. "These two boys clearly love each other and when they were apart I saw my son hurting very much, you can't say you didn't see it in James too. Why shouldn't James be happy? Why punish James for being happy?"

"Because this isn't the life I wanted for him! James was meant to be captain of the hockey team in high school, get good grades, then graduate and get into the team at Princeton and study business and when he finished his degree he would take over the family business from me and his mother! The face of Diamond Cosmetics is NOT going to be gay. His wife will be handling the beauty side of things and he will handle the corporate side. No one will want to purchase goods from a company that is run by a faggot!"

I had to stop myself from practically crushing Kendall's hand in my own. I opened my mouth to talk but once again Logan spoke first.

"Firstly why should it matter what sexuality James is for running a company? Secondly, and most importantly, have you ever thought that maybe James doesn't _want _to run the company? James?" Logan now asked, turning on me. "Do you want to take over the family business from your parents when you finish college?"

It was an interesting question and in fact one that I had thought about a few times, but never to that much detail. But being posed with it now, after I had just put my whole life on the line and followed my heart I realised what the true answer was. "You know what? No. I'm sick and tired of being told how to live my life... Because you know what I discovered in the past year that truly makes me happy? Well, asides from Kendall himself; music. When I sung to Kendall as he lay in my arms dying I knew in that moment that singing was what made me feel whole. For Kendall I would write a whole symphony... sing a him every note... sing to the world that he is the one I love and that I will always lead with my heart. Even if I just sung him to sleep every night that would make me happy, knowing that my voice is what makes him smile"

"J-James" Kendall stammered, pulling me into him with his hands on either side of my face. "That is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard. And I just want you to know that if it wasn't for your voice I don't think I would have made it that night, when I was lost in the darkness I heard you singing to me and that's what brought me through. To have you hold me in your arms and sing to me every night is a future I can only dream of, I love you so much James Diamond and no matter what you do or what passion you pursue I will always be by your side"

I felt my heart melting as he closed the gap between our lips in a sweet kiss. "I love you too Kendall Knight." I said softly, resting our foreheads together and breathing him in with my eyes fluttered shut. I hadn't realised there were tears gently falling down my cheeks, but they were ones of joy and love not of sadness.

For a split second I had actually forgotten about Andrew and Logan and all our other dramas, well that was until Logan spoke.

"Don't you see Mr Diamond? What those boys have is love, how can you deny them that?" He said, voice breaking slightly as I suspected he too had tears running from his chocolate eyes.

Andrew took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingertips before moving towards Kendall and I. Kendall dropped his hands from my face but interlaced our fingers once more.

"James" He said quietly, taking one last breath before hazel eyes exactly the same as mine looked at me. "I'm not kicking you out"

Kendall's hand squeezed mine quickly in anticipation, but I knew my father well enough to know he still wasn't totally ok. "But. If you want to pursue this singing nonsense, you're not going to have any help from me. If you want to find a college for doing music or whatever that is all up to you, if you can get a scholarship or something. If you want to go to Princeton and study business like originally planned then I will support that, but I'm sorry James I just can't condone music as a career choice"

My mouth felt dry as I searched for the words to say. "D-Dad" I stuttered. "I'm going to do music, so I guess I'll just have to find a way to support myself. And Kendall and I are going to stay together, I'm sorry but nothing you say or do is going to take me away from him"

He didn't respond, he merely mumbled something incoherent, although from the way he wasn't hitting me or calling me a cunt I had to assume it was some form of approval. He turned on his heel to leave but not before saying one last thing.

"I will see you at home later James. Also, don't think I am not angry about you walking out on the hockey game. I don't care if it was for a boy or a girl, you shouldn't have done that"

"I understand Dad and I'm sorry, but hockey was never really my passion anyway. I love it don't get me wrong but I never wanted to make anything out of it"

He shook his head in frustration one last time before turning his back on me and walking in the direction towards the main parking lot.

"Wow" Kendall said beside me.

"Yeah... wow" I muttered, unsure how to feel about the whole situation.

"James" Logan said quietly, now standing next to Kendall and I. "It would be understandable if you didn't want to live with that man, in fact I don't even think I feel comfortable with you living with him. Would you like to stay with us? At least up until you sort something out with college?"

"Yes!" Kendall said quickly, squeezing my hand tightly. "Live with me!"

I couldn't help but chuckle at the excited look on his face; he looked like a child on Christmas morning. "That's incredibly nice of you Logan but I just don't know what I'm going to do at the moment. I have no idea where to even begin with the whole college thing, like where do I even go for music?"

"We'll sort it out James" Logan smiled kindly.

Then, without much warning, Logan pulled Kendall and I in for a bone shattering hug and held us tightly before he said, "Please make this work boys, please"

"We will Dad" Kendall said assuredly as we were released from his death grip.

"James, I know how much you love my son, it's obvious to everyone, but you must understand he has a lot of demons he needs to face and –"

"Daaaad" Kendall groaned in embarrassment.

"_And _it's not going to be easy for him to get past them"

"I understand, but you have to believe me when I say that I will never do anything to hurt Kendall ever again. I know that in life we are going to face our ups and downs but I will be with Kendall every single step of the way to pick him up when he falls"

_Logan threw his arms around me once more and said quietly in my ear, "Thank you James"_

"So then James and Kendall were finally happy and were going to brave this new scary world together. The End!" James says with a big smile, unable to stop himself from laughing as he leans forward to kiss Kendall.

"Well, not really the end" Kendall says with a smirk against James' lips. "You have forgotten my favourite bit of the story"

"And which bit would that be?"

Kendall hooks his leg over James' hips quickly and is now straddling the brunette by the waist, hands resting on James' strong chest. "That my dear boy would be the part where you move out of your house and come live with me, therefore fucking me senseless every night in _our _bed"

"I still can't believe your parents let me sleep in your room" James grins, hands snaking around Kendall's neck to pull him down for a heated kiss.

"Oh hey I meant to ask you, how was your date with the guys?" Kendall asks as he begins to kiss James' neck.

"Ok there are so many things wrong with that statement. Firstly, did you really have to ask me about my friends whilst you're sitting on top of me sucking my neck? And secondly, I wouldn't call it a date!"

"Whatever" Kendall grins. "You and your little boyfriends"

"Hey!" James laughs, slapping Kendall's chest lightly.

"You know I am going to make fun of you about it every day until forever because I think it's so cute. I think your friends actually worship you _more _now you're all out and proud. Maybe they all want to fuck you"

"Maybe" James grins as he runs his hands up Kendall's sides. "It's pretty incredible though, I was expecting the whole team to pretty much banish me, not that I was too fussed because school was over, but yeah you're right. I think they were all "proud" of me or whatever for following my heart, cool dudes. In fact I'm like 90% sure Jett is gay and is soon going to ask me how to start getting laid by guys"

Kendall throws his head back in laughter and James smiles at the sound, he loves hearing Kendall's laugh, it's one of his favourite sounds.

"You know what that means right? That means you, Jett and Dak all turned out to be gay. Who would have thought?"

"Yeah the thing about Dak is though he is never coming out of that closet. He came today on our group "date", only cause I think Jett forced him to, and it was a little awkward"

"That might be because he feels responsible for me trying to kill myself" Kendall says with a shrug.

Even though Kendall says it lightly James can't help but frown, he hates talking about Kendall's suicide attempt, even if it just in casual conversation.

"Maybe" James sighs, "I think he just feels uncomfortable around me because yeah I did beat the shit out of him and then he did tell you all that stuff, but you would have found out eventually, because I would have told you so I guess we can't blame him"

"I don't blame him"

"Neither... I mean don't get me wrong I'm not about to go be best friends with him again or anything but I don't want to hold any grudges or anything"

"He's probably just upset because he still wants to get into your pants" Kendall grins, swooping down once more to attack James' neck.

"Speaking of wanting to get into someone's pants..." James says; bringing Kendall's face to his so he can bring their lips together in hungry desire.

It doesn't take long before the kiss is positively electric and neither boy can get enough of one another.

"I can't believe" Kendall breathes, "We're not going to" He is interrupted once more by James ripping his shirt of his head "Get to do this after tonight"

"I know" James moans, his shirt now too discarded on the floor as kisses Kendall's bare chest.

"It's all your fault you know" Kendall sighs as James begins to suck on his left pectoral, surely leaving a mark there for the morning.

"I thought you wanted me to chase my dreams baby?" James chuckles, hands' trailing down Kendall's middle until it reaches the band of his boxers.

"I guess so" Kendall sighs jokingly.

In reality Kendall was actually incredibly proud and excited for James, but he sure was going to miss this every night.

"I can't believe you got in with a full scholarship to Julliard, actually no I can believe it. I can't believe the like two schools that didn't accept you." Kendall moans as James flips them so that now the brunette is hovering above the blonde's body, still placing hungry kisses over any inch of skin he can find.

"Did I ever say thank you for being such an amazing boyfriend and helping me audition for what felt like every single performing arts school in the country?"

"Hmmm you might have mentioned it" Kendall grins, "You can thank me now if you want to?"

"Oh, I certainly intend to" James grins back, placing a hand over Kendall's still covered erection.

"Fuck" Kendall gasps, hips involuntarily bucking up into James' touch.

"You're so sexy, you know what right?" James breathes as rips Kendall's boxers off his hips and throws them to the floor.

"Look who's talking" Kendall moans as James begins to stroke his throbbing erection long and hard.

James merely smirks in response, leaning down to join their lips together for a kiss. The kiss is hot, hungry and full of passion; tongues soon fighting for dominance but a battle James ultimately wins. Every night seems to be more amazing than the last, if that's even possible, both boys wasting no time in cherishing every single moment they had together.

"Fuck, ngh, fuck James I'm not going to last if you keep going" Kendall pants, hands intertwined through James' soft brunette locks.

"Horn dog" James chuckles, removing his hand and sitting up so he can discard his own boxers.

"Get back here" Kendall growls, missing the feel on James sitting on top of him.

James is quick to comply, pressing his body tightly into Kendall's. Both boys begin to moan into one another's mouths as their freed lengths grind against one another in a delicious friction.

"Do you want to top tonight baby?" James asks as he kisses along Kendall's jaw.

"No, I want you inside me" Kendall whispers seductively into James' ear as pearly white teeth nip at the pretty boy's earlobe.

James' body shivers at the action, grabbing Kendall's wrists in one quick motion and pinning his hands above his head.

"You better not tease me" Kendall groans, hips bucking up and grinding into James' heat.

"Maybe I will... maybe I won't" James grins, teeth sinking into the soft skin of Kendall's neck.

"James I swear to God if you don't get a move on I'll fucking kick you out and make you sleep in the guest room"

"Aw baby" James pouts, "You're not going to kick me out on our last night together"

"Exactly, it's our last night together, so let's make the most of it!" Kendall whines.

"I can't say no to you" James sighs with a smile, grinding his hips down on Kendall which has them both moaning in a matter of seconds.

When James' hands slipped for a split second from their grip on Kendall's wrists the blonde used the opportunity to capture James' wrist and bring the brunettes fingers to his mouth. With wide green innocent eyes looking up into hazel Kendall puts three of James' fingers in his mouth and sucks on them slowly.

"Mm" James breathes, the sight going straight to the throbbing want between his thighs.

With his command still of James' wrist Kendall trails the wet fingers down his torso, eyes not leaving James' as he guides the hand to his needy entrance.

James takes the lead from there quickly inserting one finger into Kendall's tight heat.

"Oh shit" Kendall moans, throwing his head back into the pillow.

Before Kendall really even has time to adjust James has added another finger... and then another...

"Fuck, please James" Kendall pants, now craving more. "I'm r-ready"

James wastes no time in wrapping Kendall's legs around his waist and spitting into his palm so he can slick himself up.

"You ready baby?" James asks softly, leaning down to kiss Kendall roughly.

James takes Kendall's incoherent mumbles and frantic nodding as a yes as he then begins to push slowly into Kendall.

"Ngh fuck" James exclaims loudly as the tight, wet heat envelops his cock.

"M-move" Kendall pants after not even a second and pulls James down to him for a kiss as the brunette begins to slowly thrust into Kendall.

Both boys have learned from previous experience over the past few months that Kendall's room isn't exactly the most soundproof and they have had to sit through many _many _embarrassing breakfasts with Kendall's parents. But its hard when all you want to do is scream and shout and moan and basically just make as much noise as fucking possible when you're experiencing something so incredibly amazing.

"Fuck you're so tight babe" James moans as his thrusts begin to pick up pace until he is now positively slamming Kendall into the bed.

Kendall would respond, if he could, but instead all he can do is grasp the sheets of the bed so tightly his knuckles begin to go white.

"FUCK!" Kendall screams out all of a sudden as James hits his sweet spot.

James knows that once he hits Kendall's sweet spot he can hit it again, and again and again it will only be a matter of minutes before the blonde is coming undone at the seams beneath his touch. In almost a feral yet exquisite growl Kendall grabs James' strong chest that is glistening with sweat and pushes himself up. Before James even has a chance to react to what Kendall is doing Kendall now has him pinned down at the foot of the bed, the blonde now being the one on top and nails digging into James' chest.

"HOLY SHIT!" James yells, his body now going crazy with the feel of Kendall positively bouncing in his lap.

"Touch me" Kendall begs as his nails rake across James' tan torso.

James' strong hand wastes no time in reaching for Kendall's length, stroking hard and quick in time with Kendall's thrusts. James looks up into his lovers green eyes full of hooded lust and love and feels the burning need within him to bring those sweet pink lips down on his own. James uses his free hand to grab Kendall by the back of the neck and pulls him down for a kiss that is not perfectly coordinated but evokes all the feelings of both desire and love in one action.

"Do you know how much I fucking love you?" James pants heavily against Kendall's lips as he feels his orgasm begin to build in his loins.

"Fuck – ngh – fuck" is all Kendall can respond with as James tugs on his hair firmly with one hand.

"K-Kendall" James pants once more, "I love you"

"F-fuck I, fuck" Kendall moans, "I love you too. So s-so much"

And with that and one final thrust up into Kendall James screams out his lovers name in ecstasy as he unloads into Kendall's deliciously tight walls.

"JAMES!" Kendall screams, along with a string off expletives and words of love as he practically explodes, painting James' chest pearly white.

"Oh my god, oh my god" Kendall pants, collapsing on James' heaving chest.

"Ow" James groans with a chuckle as the entirety of Kendall's body weight is now on top of him.

"Oops" Kendall smiles, rolling to his side slightly but half his body still draped across James' and his head nicely nested in the older boys neck.

They lie there like that for awhile, heads at the end of the bed, feet resting on the pillows, not saying a word and just trying to control their breathing. James absentmindedly plays with Kendall's hair and Kendall traces nonsense patterns with his finger tips into James' chest.

Moments like these... these are the moments James will miss. Don't get him wrong he will miss the sex and everything else but just lying here with Kendall now, no words needing to be said just a silent understanding of complete and utter love and contempt.

"That was amazing" James says finally after he feels as if his breathing as completely returned to normal.

"Mm I know" Kendall grins lazily.

"I love it when you get all animalistic" James smiles.

James can't see the blush that creeps onto Kendall's cheek but he knows it's there. "Don't be embarrassed, silly" James smiles again, "When you pushed me backwards so you were then on top... fuck"

"Good?" Kendall laughs.

"Good doesn't even begin to cover it"

Kendall smiles, satisfied. "I reckon that would have to be one of our best times"

"Hmmm... you might be right" James ponders, "Although that time your parents were out and you fucked me up against the grand piano... that was pretty incredible"

"Ha yeah" Kendall agrees. "Good point. I was surprised the neighbours didn't come complaining. Between all the yelling, screaming and accidental bashing of the piano keys I would say we definitely gave the fellow residents of the street something to talk about"

James' melodic laugh fills the room loudly before he tilts his head down to kiss Kendall's forehead.

Kendall sighs softly, nuzzling further into James' neck. "I wish you weren't going away to college tomorrow... I mean I want you to but I'm going to miss you so much"

"I feel the same. I'm going to be thinking about you every second of the day I reckon"

"No you won't" Kendall chuckles, "You'll be focusing on your music"

"But Kendall, you are my music. You're behind every note I sing and every word I write"

Kendall tilts his head upwards quickly so he can kiss James. "You're so amazing, you know that right?"

"I wouldn't say amazing"

"I would. And I know what you're thinking. Everything that happened last year... Not that I wanted it to happen but I think everything happens for a reason. I think it took all the drama for _both _of us to truly realise what was right. Don't you agree?"

"Yes... I guess so" James sighs. "I'm going to be worried about you whilst I'm away"

"Why?"

"Well... What if you do something?"

"James I'm not going to hurt myself. I haven't done anything since we got back together"

"I know but that's because I'm here. Whenever I feel like you're about to fall I'm always there ready to catch you. What's going to happen if something like the bathroom incident happens again?"

Kendall cringes slightly as he remembers what James is referring to. Kendall still felt horrible about it and it almost cost James pursing his dreams. Kendall had been taking a shower after what was meant to be a very exciting day; James had got his first acceptance into a performing arts school. James didn't pick that specific school right then and there on the spot because he was going to wait to see if he got anymore but there was still the excitement of knowing someone wanted him. The slight pressure and realisation got to Kendall as it dawned on him that soon James really would be leaving him for college. When he stepped out of the shower he saw James' shaving razor sitting on the bench and the urge to reach out and grab it was like a burning passion within his veins. He would have done it too if it weren't for James barging into the bathroom saying Kendall was taking too long and that he needed to pee but that was soon cut short when he knew what Kendall was about to do.

The night resulted in endless tears and cries and James declaring he wasn't going to go away to college anymore but Kendall had to literally slap him to stop James from saying such things.

"That wasn't your fault though" Kendall sighs.

"No... but what happens if you get that urge again? We're not going to see each other for at least a few months, what if you get the urge and I'm not there to walk in?"

"I promise you it will be ok alright? And I have my Mum and my Dad and I promise I will call you if I ever feel... not great"

"You better" James says sternly. "There's still a small part of me that doesn't want to go tomorrow. I'm going to miss you like crazy"

"Same, but this is your dream and you're going to pursue it. And besides when you're super successful and famous I'm going to be your hot as hockey player boyfriend so let me hold onto that dream ok?"

"Ha ok" James laughs, images of himself standing on stage in front of thousands of people and dedication a song to his "hot as" hockey player boyfriend, "I like the sound of that"

"You know what's going to be weird?" Kendall says. "Going back to school. I feel like I should be graduating too."

"But the little baby needs to finish high school" James teases, earning himself a slap on the chest.

"Actually the little baby is going to be captain of the senior hockey team and be fucking amazing and brag to his singer boyfriend on Skype every night about all the games he is winning"

"Oh well I expect no less!" James smiles.

"You're going to be so great in New York James" Kendall says softly, "And just one year and we can be together again. Just one year... I was looking up on the internet and apparently New York University actually is super renowned for their hockey team..."

"It's all going to work out" James says he kisses Kendall's hair.

"Just don't meet some super cute acting, singing dude over there ok?"

"I only have eyes for you my darling" James says with a soft smile, placing his hand under Kendall's chin to lift him up for a kiss.

"Hey Jamie guess what?" Kendall whispers against James' lips.

"What?"

"I love you"

"I love you too. I have since the minute we first met and I will love you forever and a day, even if you tell me to go"

"I'm never going to tell you to go Jamie"

James smiles as he brings their lips together once more, hands intertwining through Kendall's hair.

"Hey Jamie?" He asks softly.

"Yeah Kendall?"

"Can you sing to me, one last time?"

James kisses Kendall again, before Kendall rests his head into the crook of James' neck and he begins to singly softly.

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart_  
_But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_  
_I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go..._

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth_  
_And I've never opened up_  
_I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

When James finishes the song Kendall can't help but let a few small tears escape down his cheeks.

Before James can question it Kendall looks into his shining hazel eyes and says, "Happy tears Jamie"

"Did I ever tell you that I love you?" James says with a soft smile, stroking Kendall's cheek.

"Did I ever tell you that I loved you more?"

"That's not possible"

Kendall smiles, leaning forward to press their lips together in a kiss that would last a lifetime.

_"Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its on way, is not irritable or resentful. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."_

As long as there's love, James and Kendall are going to be ok.

The End.

* * *

**Dun dun! :) The end :) Sort of...**

**The suquel I mentioned. There is something burning inside me to write a sequel that is Carlos focused but Kendall and James will still very much be apart of it. Because Kendall and Carlos still have a year of high school it would be set in that time and it's about Carlos and his love life. It will be a slash story, and it will be Cargan... and no not Kendall's Dad :P There will be a new student... Logan Henderson :D I promise if I end up writing it it won't be confusing haha. If I write this sequel it will also focus on how James and Kendall handle their long distance relationship :) So... should I do it? :)**


End file.
